Blank Slate
by rkemy
Summary: This is what Suzaku wakes up to: a white ceiling, a dead princess, and no memories whatsoever. At rock bottom, he's trying to piece his life back together. And then there is this Lelouch guy who claims to be his boyfriend.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment, and serves no other purpose.

Summary: This is what Suzaku wakes up to: a white ceiling, a dead princess, and no memories whatsoever. At rock bottom, he's trying to piece his life back together. And then there is this Lelouch guy who claims to be his boyfriend.

Warning(s) for this chapter: strong language

Notes:

1) Clichéd premise? Oh, yes indeed. I imagine you staring at your screen in boredom, expecting nothing, thinking 'prove me right' until you feel justified in clicking the back button. But I hope that if you do, you'll do so with conviction (and gusto!).  
>2) This will be slash. Considering the summary, this is hopefully not a surprise.<br>3) ESL here and I don't have a beta. Just so you know. I'd really like a beta, though.  
>4) Started this fic in summer of 2010 and it grew and grew and then I swelled with altruism and eventually wrapped up the first chapter.<br>5) Note how its acronym is BS? Yeah, I'm very pleased with that. I'm less pleased with its length. Chapter 1 was supposed to clock in at around 5k words. Yeah, that didn't happen.  
>6) This is basically a What If fic. There are spoilers for the entire first season and then it'll wreck R2. You'll get the most out of this if you finish the entire series first.<br>7) This fic is also not as cracky as you probably think it is, judging from these notes. Then again, I did categorize it under 'drama', so maybe you are just as confused as I want you to be. But enough of that; lean back and try to enjoy the fic.

* * *

><p><strong>Blank Slate<strong>

Chapter 1 (May, 10th 2011)

* * *

><p>Retrograde amnesia is the diagnosis.<p>

The doctor is blurry and far away when he tells Suzaku this, and even if Suzaku can't wade through the medical lingo, the most important part of the message comes across. Suzaku wants to ask more questions, but he is too exhausted and sinks back into the hospital bed. He gets his name, though, and it whirrs around in his otherwise empty head as the only thing he knows to be true.

When he wakes up again, he's more lucid, but no less confused. He grips the white linen in his fist like an anchor, and tells himself not to panic. _I have a name. Everything else will come to me in time, _he reassures himself. He fears that it's an empty promise, but that is all he has right now, and that is what he will cling to.

He is alone in this room. The ceiling is pristine and wide, flowing into equally bare and boring walls, and Suzaku just sits there in this room, alone and lost.

When the silence starts to become too much for him he presses the button for the nurse, and asks her to bring him a mirror. Before she comes back, he flexes his hands in wonder, watching the tendons shift. _How can you forget everything about yourself but still remember all the algebra you ever learned?_

The face in the palm-sized mirror is horribly unfamiliar. Ignoring the nurse, he stares at his reflection for minutes, memorizing his features, moving his facial muscles, seeing the way everyone sees him and has seen him for years, but only draws a blank.

"I am Suzaku Kururugi," he tells the face in the mirror.

It's a bit weird to get reacquainted with himself like this, but so far the memories haven't come to him yet, and he isn't optimistic enough to think that everything will magically resolve itself on its own. At any rate, this is him, this is a big question mark, and this is the card he has been dealt with. There are worse things in this world, and he's convinced it's nothing he can't handle.

When he finally tears his eyes away from his image the nurse looks at him with impatience. Wilting slightly, he gives the mirror back to her, feeling stupid and like a charity case. She walks off without a word.

There are still so many things he wants to know, but he feels like he is running into a brick wall every time he asks someone about himself. His last talk with the doctor was particularly dreadful:

"I lost my memories because of emotional trauma?"

"Princess Euphemia li Britannia died. You were her knight."

"I failed her?"

"You are an Eleven. No one expected anything else."

Through this, and the derision and barely concealed hostility, Suzaku finds out more about his situation in life than anyone could have ever told him. He knows what it means to be an Eleven; the knowledge is coming to him slowly as if he's fishing through a puddle of mud with his bare hands. The knowledge itself is there, though, and at the moment he is grateful for even a hint of a silver lining.

He knows that being an Eleven might make his life even more complicated than it already is. He must have lived with it before, but all of his experience is gone now, so he has to start at square one. He's not particularly looking forward to that.

But for the time being, he leans back against his white pillow in his white room and waits for someone out there to find him. He has no other option.

* * *

><p>A day later he still sits under the thin sheets of the hospital bed.<p>

He still waits for someone to help him through this, to help him get reacquainted with the world, and stares a hole into the walls, tapping his mirror against his knuckles. The nurse gave him the palm-sized mirror after he asked one too many times, so he alternates between waiting impatiently and staring at his face to pass the time. But he can stare at a stranger for only so long before he turns away in hopelessness. He feels like he is sinking into a hole.

One of the kinder nurses- who pities him more than she hates him- told him a little bit about himself, but it's difficult to reconstruct a life out of hearsay from someone who doesn't even know him. There are still so many pieces missing to the puzzle.

This is what Suzaku Kururugi knows about himself:

He is seventeen.

He is a soldier.

He has retrograde amnesia. His academic knowledge stayed intact, but every personal memory is gone.

He was Princess Euphemia's knight.

Princess Euphemia is dead.

He is an Eleven.

He speaks both Japanese and Britannian.

No one has come for him yet.

That is all. He taps the mirror harder against his knuckles, staring at the setting sun and resigns himself to throwing a pity-party in his head. They want to keep him here a little longer, so he has no choice but to wait. He has nowhere to go anyway.

This is what Suzaku Kururugi fears:

He is alone in this world.

* * *

><p>On the third day he is moved to a different room with a little TV in it. For the next few hours, his eyes are glued to it.<p>

This gives him a whole new layer to the mystery that is his life.

They call her the "Massacre Princess". Suzaku watches the footage where she stands before thousands of Elevens, watches her kindly ask them to die, and then watches her as she paints the entire ground red.

He is horrified and bewildered. There must have been a mistake, he is sure, this cannot possibly be the person he had sworn to protect, bowed down for, but then he sees his own face in the TV and he doesn't know what to think anymore.

_She was beautiful_, comes to mind, uselessly.

There are already little documentaries about her. Most of them feel a bit rushed, a bit cobbled together, all of them interesting, but none of them shed light on what happened with her, really, and all they do is illuminate a tragedy, and it becomes painfully clear that no one holds an absolute answer.

Suzaku watches them with a sheer unending curiosity while studying himself in the TV, standing tall and proud next to her, smiling fondly whenever their gazes meet.

There is nothing there; he can neither recognize himself in these stilted shots, nor can he find any hint of what is about to happen in her words or gestures. She always seems so calm and gentle, a bit timid in the face of the crowd, but proud and hopeful, like a true visionary, like a true Princess.

Like a true actor.

He wonders if she had planned it from the start.

He wonders if he had known.

* * *

><p>Suzaku wonders what kind of life he had led that <em>no one<em> would want to visit him.  
>Is he an orphan? An outsider and a total recluse?<p>

At this point in time he doubts anyone will come to visit him anymore. The doctors and nurses can't help him and seem altogether unsure about him in general.  
>There has been a flurry of reporters and journalists around the hospital, all wanting to interview him, and the staff seems to have a lot of trouble with keeping them at bay.<p>

He's a burden to them. They don't know what to do with him, but Suzaku can't blame them, he doesn't know what to do with himself either.

Suzaku feels like a failure.

Listlessly, he stares at the TV to take his mind off of his pathetic excuse for a life.

The masked terrorist "Zero" is in the TV again. Suzaku only listens with half an ear as a table full of old men try to discuss him neutrally. Tempers spark quickly, the "Massacre Princess" is mentioned a few times, "Savior of Japan!" is said once, but Suzaku drowns it out in favor of staring at the wall again.

Eventually the nurse comes in with his dinner.

To pass the time, Suzaku plays a little game with himself. He counts the people who have a look of pity on their faces against those with a look of either disgust or reproach. So far the disgust/reproach group is winning, but Suzaku isn't deterred.

As the nurse leaves, Suzaku adds a stroke for the pity group, and then makes faces at the bland hospital food.  
>The tedium trudges on.<p>

But then a gentle knock startles him out of his boredom.

Time slows.

"Yes?" he asks calmly, but his insides are doing cartwheels, because no one here has ever knocked before.

A woman with blue hair opens the door tentatively.  
>"Hey," she says, and steps into the room with a man following behind her.<p>

They are here to visit him.

He allows himself to feel a wave of pure, pathetic relief. _These people know me. Whoever they are, they know me._

He wonders what kind of relation they have to him, even at a glance he knows they aren't related by blood. Are they friends then? Or some kind of patchwork family? Either way, he is unbelievably happy that for once, he has people smiling at him instead of glaring. Not only that, but he's sure that they will help him. He's not alone anymore.

The woman smiles at him with a gentle, almost maternal expression on her face. He likes her immediately. In tow is a man with glasses and hair that has the color of freshly fallen snow…whose face is turning purple.  
>Suzaku feels a bit rude, but he can't help but stare at the man's bruised cheek. When he snaps out of it, he fidgets in anticipation.<p>

"Are you… I mean do you…" he fiddles with his thumbs, feeling giddy with nervous energy and something that counters his black, black outlook in life from earlier.

"I'm sorry you've been alone for the past few days. It must have been difficult," the woman says, her eyes gentle and warm.

"No… I mean…uhm." He feels so tongue-tied, it's ridiculous. Rationally he knows that this isn't their first meeting, he doesn't need to make a good first impression, but he can't help but feel like he has to prove his worth. These people have seen something in him once, and the last thing he wants to do is disappoint them.

He's very quickly disappointing _himself_ as he finds it impossible to string a basic Britannian sentence together.

Fortunately, the woman has mercy on him and cuts into his babbling. "The doctor already told us. You don't need to explain anything."

Relieved, and feeling like he hasn't done anything wrong for once, Suzaku matches her smile, trying not to look too eager. "Could you maybe… introduce yourselves? I don't know who you are…"

"Of course," she smiles, "I am Cécile Croomy and this is Lloyd Asplund. We are working in the military division called the Advanced Special Envoy Engineering Corps-

Suzaku's prior happiness screeches to a halt and then falls off a cliff. He interrupts her without meaning to.

"You're my superiors? Not family or friends?"

The woman, Cécile, splutters through her surprise while the man, Lloyd, just raises one eyebrow. Embarrassed, Suzaku wants to apologize for his outburst, but he finds that he's too overwhelmed by his crushed hope to do so.

"Do I have… parents or something? I mean…"

The woman's face falls.

"I'm sorry."

Closing his eyes, Suzaku just nods.

He refuses to grieve over something he never even had to begin with. He berates himself for ever expecting anything else. With that he buries his last hope of having a family at all and decides to never look back.

When he can open his eyes again, he notices that they both look uncomfortable with how this is going- _a reunion, not a first meeting_, Suzaku has to remind himself- and wishes he could take his words back. It's not their fault that Suzaku has lost his memories or that he is an orphan, and he pretty much slapped his superiors right in the face with that.  
>Not only that, but he must look like a fool.<br>Before he can save the last vestiges of his pride, and maybe his employment, Cécile holds something out to him.

A cell-phone and an ornate pin.

"I know it's not much, and I'm really sorry you have to go through this, but maybe this will cheer you up a bit or trigger a memory. They're yours. Here."

Suzaku reaches out gingerly, hesitantly, savoring the moment because this is _his_, this is something personal, something old and familiar.

Except it isn't.  
>He remembers neither of these items, made of plastic and cool in his palm, no recognition, nothing.<p>

His eyes jump between them, and then settle on the pin to give it a closer look.  
>It's gold and blue, shaped like a miniature sword with a crown in it and four white wings. He's seen himself wear the pin in the TV as he stood next to the princess. It must have been his symbol for knighthood.<p>

_Have I worn this with pride once? It must have been an honor._

But it holds no memories for him now. Not only that, but now it holds no importance either.  
>Without a princess he can't be a knight anymore. The pin just serves as a reminder of his failure, a last connection to a dead person.<p>

Trying not to fall into the black hole again, he turns to the phone. Hesitantly he switches it on and waits for it to boot up. When it's done, it wants him to enter a pin-code he doesn't remember. Shoulders slumping in disappointment, he turns to the Cécile. "You wouldn't happen to know my pin-code, would you?"

The benign smile slips right off her face, and he turns away so he doesn't see the pity in her eyes. He tunes out her stammered apology.

_Another one who pities me_, he thinks sourly.

Suzaku glances at Lloyd just to see if he can add another stroke for the pity group so the disgust group isn't in the lead anymore, but the man just looks bored, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Seeing as the boy is fine, we have nothing left to do here~."

Suzaku stares at him, but the man doesn't meet his eyes. _That was kind of… tactless._

Cécile shoots her companion a disapproving glance before turning back to Suzaku with another gentle smile.

"Do you know where you live? I have your keys here." She drops them in his lap.

"Ah… no, I don't know anything about myself."

"You'll get discharged tomorrow evening, right? We'll drop you off where you live."

"Thank you." When he smiles this time, he really means it.

"Congratulations!" comes from the man out of nowhere.

Suzaku startles a bit, but then turns to stare at him in confusion. Lloyd breaks into a wide grin.

"On only losing your memories. This could have ended much, much worse! Come to think of it, this is probably the last thing you wanted. Instead of granting you your suicide wish, you were given a second chance. Maybe that was a good trade!"

"Lloyd!" Cécile scolds.

"What?" Suzaku asks, bewildered.

Cécile turns to him again with a frown on her face and concern in her eyes.

"Lloyd doesn't know what he's talking about," she says before glancing at Lloyd and giving him the stink eye. "Isn't that right?"

"Oh~, does that rule still apply?"

"Don't joke about that. And stop talking such nonsense."

Lloyd opens his mouth, but then snaps it shut again with an audible click.

Confused, apprehensive, and with dread curling in his stomach, Suzaku looks between them. "What did you mean by that? Suicide wish?"

Lloyd shakes his head, waving his question away with a carefree smile blooming on his face.  
>"Don't mind little old me, that was an inside joke!"<p>

Suzaku has no idea what to think.

Dismissing him entirely, Lloyd turns to Cécile. "Anyway, the important thing is that he is _physically_ fine! We'll wait until he's discharged, and then he'll be as good as new!" The man's grin spreads from ear to ear. He winces a bit then, and places a hand over his bruised cheek.

Cécile looks unconvinced and turns back to Suzaku. "Do you think you can pilot the Lancelot in your current condition?"

Suzaku stares at her in incomprehension. "Pilot what? I'm a pilot now, too?

Both of them freeze at that.  
>Lloyd slowly turns around to make eye-contact with Cécile, and from that glance alone Suzaku can tell that the man only now realizes that not everything is as it has been before.<br>They continue their silent communication until Cécile turns back to him.

"We'll have to run you through a few simulations before we can put you in the Lancelot again," Cécile decides for everyone. Lloyd looks away at the verdict, crosses his arms, and then actually _pouts._

"Do you have anything you'd like to ask? I'm sure this is all a bit much right now."

Shaking his head a bit to clear his thoughts, Suzaku just asks the first thing that comes to mind.

"If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you come to visit me earlier? I've been alone since I woke up."

Lloyd throws him a pinched look. "We would have come earlier if _someone_ hadn't stolen the Lancelot."

Suzaku blinks in confusion. "Someone stole the 'Lancelot'? _Why would anyone steal a plane?_

At his reply Lloyd huffs in overt displeasure. Suzaku really doesn't know what that guy's problem is. He decides to ignore him.

"Could you tell me a bit about myself?"

They exchange glances again which is understandable, but what really unsettles Suzaku is the blank look on their faces.

"Uh… you are…" Cécile bites her lower lip, and Suzaku should have known, but still fights not to show his disappointment.

"You are our devicer! You could say that you are a very important part of the Lancelot," Lloyd says with a smile.

Suzaku has no idea what he is saying. It's becoming very clear very quickly that Lloyd isn't quite on the same page as anyone else.

"Okay, but what about myself? What kind of person was I? What kind of hobbies did I have?"

"You are a very kind person", Cécile begins, "and you smile a lot."

"A polite and empty smile."

"Lloyd!"

_That guy is my superior_, Suzaku thinks in disbelief. _When did my life turn into a comedy?_

Cécile looks a bit out of her element, but she still continues.

"You're really easy to work with and-"

"Obedient like a trained dog!"

Suzaku likes Cécile a lot more than Lloyd, he decides.

Before they can continue to drag Suzaku's self-esteem anymore through the mud, Cécile looks at her watch and winces.

"I'm very sorry about this, but we have to cut our visit short. We'll pick you up tomorrow evening."

"Thank you," Suzaku says in a strange mix of disappointment and relief.

Before they reach the door Cécile turns back to him. "I almost forgot! I made you something."

With that she presses a strangely colored muffin in his hands. Suzaku stares at it, not knowing what to think.

"It's an asparagus muffin!"

Lloyd makes eye contact with him at that, shaking his head wildly, crossing his arms in front of his chest- _batsu, _Suzaku notes the Japanese sign with surprise- and then makes gagging motions.  
>Afraid that Cécile might notice Lloyd's antics, Suzaku quickly thanks her with a mostly sincere smile and a softly spoken "Thank you".<p>

When they are halfway out the door, he hears Lloyd's not really quiet enough whisper: "He didn't even apologize."

Then a hiss from Cécile that sounds suspiciously like "Lloyd!"

Suzaku can't help but grin in reluctant amusement. But he has no idea what Lloyd wants him to apologize for.

The door closes with a resonant click, and Suzaku is alone with his thoughts again.  
>Unsure what to do with the muffin, he gives it an experimental sniff, shrugs and then puts it away. He figures that if it really is as bad as Lloyd seems to think it is, Suzaku is at the very least at the right place to test his luck.<p>

Cécile and Lloyd didn't really act like they are his superiors, he thinks. He's really lucky in that regard. On top of that, it almost seems like they have mixed their professional and private life a bit to form this strange interaction Suzaku really can't find a good name for. He's not entirely sure what to make of them.  
>All in all, he feels like he has more questions now than ever before.<br>But even through this whole confusion, Suzaku is grateful to have them here. He really is.

Staring down at his lap he looks once more at his possessions.

_This is all that is left of me. _

A bit disappointed, he sets both the cell-phone and the pin next to the untouched asparagus muffin and closes his eyes without anything better to do. He decides that he might as well take a nap to kill some time until his discharge.  
>He reminds himself that he is not entirely alone and that takes the edge off of his melancholy. Now he has his apartment to look forward to, and Suzaku allows himself that bit of hope.<p>

Before he falls asleep, he realizes that he never found out what Lloyd had meant with that one worrisome comment.

* * *

><p>When he wakes up later it takes him some time to realize that he hasn't woken up on his own, but that instead <em>someone <em>has woke him up.  
>Suzaku blinks up at the black haired guy in sleepy disorientation. He is awake immediately when the guy only stares at him without saying anything. He does nothing else.<p>

He wears a black school uniform with golden embroils, black pants and has jet black hair that looks just as orderly and air-pressed as everything else about him. But what immediately grabs Suzaku's attention are not even his uncommon violet eyes, but the look in them.  
>He stares down at Suzaku with a calculating, holier-than-thou look that looks completely natural on his features. Suzaku mentally adds another stroke to the disgustreproach group and sits up.

"Yes? Can I help you?" he asks when it becomes clear that the guy is apparently content in just staring at him like an animal in the zoo. Suzaku immediately dislikes him.

"I'm just enjoying the view," the guy says, his voice deadpan and ostensibly bored, although his tone betrays his gaze which seems to intensify.

Rationally, he should just boot the guy out of his room or turn around to go back to sleep, but that guy offers to be a somewhat nice distraction from Suzaku's life-sapping boredom. He's so done with staring at walls, anyway.  
>Furthermore this guy doesn't seem like the type to waste his time talking to strangers. There is a high chance that Suzaku has known him before, and he latches onto that hope.<p>

"Do I know you?"

There's a long, awkward pause when the guy just stares at him in contemplation and Suzaku tries not to fidget. Embarrassed, he adds: "Sorry, I have amnesia, I don't remember anything about myself."

As if to say "this is going to take awhile," the stranger puts his school bag down next to the hospital bed without breaking eye-contact.

"Does the name 'Zero' ring any bells?" he asks out of nowhere.

Suzaku feels a bit lost, but decides to play along for the time being. "The… terrorist?"

"What would you do if he suddenly stood before you?" the guy asks, completely ignoring Suzaku's mounting confusion.

"I… don't know?"

The guy's eyes narrow. "Maybe you'd try to catch him?"

"Um… no. I guess I would call the nurse." The guy is starting to creep him out a bit.

Like working out a difficult puzzle, the guy tilts his head, still fixing him with a stare that makes Suzaku feel like he is being dissected.

"You don't want to catch him, then?"

"Right now I only want to get out of this hospital and get back to my old life."

A look passes over the guy's features for a moment that Suzaku instantly recognizes. He has seen that same expression in a mirror before.  
>That alone keeps him from putting a stop to this cryptic nonsense. Suzaku waits for him to collect his thoughts, because there has to be a point to this.<p>

"Bear with me for a second. What would you do if he stood before you?"

Suzaku scratches his head. "I'd… uh… what would he want from me exactly?"

If possible, the guy's stare intensifies. "He just wants to talk to you."

"Then I'd talk to him," Suzaku says, feeling like he's missing something.

They have a silent staring match then, or at least to Suzaku it feels like they're having one. He feels a bit silly, because the whole situation is a bit silly if he thinks about it. But he's also a bit unsettled.

"You remember nothing?" The stranger looks down at him from his nose, eyes narrow almost glaring now.

"I don't…?" He answers, not just a little bit confused as he looks for the call button for the nurse. Once he has reassured himself that it hasn't suddenly disappeared right under his nose, he feels a bit better, but decides against pressing it for now. "I wish I did, it would make my life so much easier," he says once he has shaken off his bewilderment.

"Do you remember why you are here?"

"The doctors told me the gist of it. I'm a bit spotty on the details." He doesn't offer more. He thinks the guy should really be about done with being invasive now.

"Do you think she planned it from the start?"

"Huh?"

"Princess Euphemia," the guy elaborates with a snarl, "Do you think she planned it from the start?"

Suzaku is starting to feel a bit intimidated. The course of the conversation is making him uncomfortable._  
>Who is he? What is this anyway? 20 Questions or something? <em>

"I don't know. I mean, I told you I… Are you a journalist or something? I don't think I'm supposed to talk to one."

A very strange look passes over his features. It makes Suzaku even more uneasy.  
>After what feels like half an eternity of staring the guy finally answers, enunciating every word very carefully with a terse voice.<p>

"I am your friend."

Suzaku can't suppress a snort. Though, not only can he not refute that claim, a little part of him that feels lost and overwhelmed wants it to be true very much, no matter how strange this guy is.

"So? What do you think? Did she plan it from the start?"

Suzaku huffs in exasperation. "You probably know more about that than me. Everything I know about her I heard from the news. I'm really not the right person to ask that."

"But it's possible."

_Really, what's wrong with this guy?_ He shrugs. "I guess."

Now the guy stares blankly at him. Suzaku is rapidly losing his patience.  
>This feels too much like a test for Suzaku's liking. If it is one, he has no idea whether he's failing or doing well.<p>

"Assuming that she indeed planned it from the start, do you think that you in turn played a part in it, too?"

Suzaku stares at him. He can't believe the guy just asked that with a straight face. He basically asks him if he has planned killing hundreds of innocent people in cold blood. _Is he serious? What does that guy expect to hear? He doesn't seem all that sane. Am I sure he didn't run out of the psych ward?_

"Geez, you think really highly of me, don't you?" He gives a little laugh that is supposed to lighten the oppressive mood, but even though he knows it sounds contrived, he really can't manage any better. At the moment he feels like the guy doesn't quite deserve a sincere one anyway.

"Zero killed Princess Euphemia, didn't he?"

Suzaku can't quite suppress an agitated sigh. "Yes, he did." _Where is he going with this?_

"Are you sure he killed her?"

Suzaku tries very, very hard not to roll his eyes. "Yes, it was in the news and all."

Something ugly transforms the stranger's face. "Maybe it wasn't Zero who killed her. Maybe it was her knight."

"What?" Suzaku asks incredulously, completely thrown.

"Did you kill her?"

Anger mixes with his confusion. "What are you- look, Zero killed her. I had nothing to do with her murder or the massacre."

"Did he really?" And in that instance Suzaku has the strangest thought that he has just met a demon in disguise. "Didn't you kill her? You probably did everyone a favor with that, too."

Suzaku straightens his spine. This is so ridiculous he can barely find the words. He searches his memories if there was any footage of Zero killing the princess, but he can't remember.  
>As it is he has no way of refuting these claims. And if they really are true, then…<p>

Then nothing. Everyone is glad that she is dead.

_It wouldn't matter_, Suzaku tells himself,_ I must have killed people before. Killing one more isn't really..._ But he had been her knight; he's sure he wouldn't stab someone in the back like this.  
>But then again, she killed so many innocent people. Killing her might have even saved some innocent civilians.<br>He doesn't know anymore.

He swallows down the conflicting cocktail of emotions and concentrates on his anger.

"Who are you anyway? What gives you the right to talk to me like that?"

"The bigger question, Suzaku Kururugi, is: who are you?" All teeth, blazing eyes and intent now, like he has smelled blood and wants more.

Suzaku doesn't know how to react.

It shouldn't, but it still unsettles him when the guy says his name. Just because the guy knows it doesn't automatically mean the guy knows him personally, Suzaku has to remind himself. Suzaku's face has been in the news often enough that he knows that anyone could recognize him.  
>Whatever the case, his patience is at its limits.<p>

"I told you I don't remember anything."

The malevolent smile seems to seep from his face. Intense purple eyes watch him in silence. "I could tell you anything. I could tell you that you killed your own father and you'd have no way of proving me wrong."

Suzaku sees red. "I don't know what kind of psych ward you broke out of, but-"

The violet-eyed man barks a sharp laugh. "Oh, Suzaku. I wish you could appreciate the sheer irony with me of what you just said."

Suzaku ignores both him and the headache that has started to develop. He decides to remove this guy from the disgust/reproach pile and puts him into the just now invented 'batshit insane' category. At the very least now he has a category to put Lloyd in.

"Leave me alone or I'm going to call the nurse to throw you out."

More than just a bit fed-up, Suzaku leans back on the bed and shows the stranger his back.  
>Apparently unperturbed the man continues to talk.<p>

"Are you sure you want to throw me out? I might be the only friend you have left, Suzaku."

He doesn't deign that with an answer. At that very moment he'd rather have no friend at all than this asshole. He just hopes the guy would leave already.  
>There's a stretch of silence in which Suzaku can only hear his own angry breathing and the hum of the artificial light. He hates the whole world right now.<p>

Then the stranger has the gall to laugh. "Stand up straight and just endure, little soldier. Maybe wipe the rheum out of your eyes."

Suzaku ignores the non sequitor and just wraps the blanket tighter around himself. _Batshit insane_, he thinks again.  
>Then there is only silence and his own breathing again.<p>

"You are an orphan," the man suddenly says, "if you are waiting for someone to pick you up, you can wait forever."

The words sting. Even though he already knows this, the words sting. But he refuses to show any weakness to this stranger, refuses to give that guy anything at all. "Just go away, please."

Silence again, but this time he hears a little bit of rustling.

"They kidnapped Nunnally, did you know?"

Suzaku frowns into his pillow. "I have no idea who that is. Stop talking to me. You're only wasting your time."

Still not taking the hint, the stranger remains standing while Suzaku balls a fist under the blanket. The guy just won't leave.

"You are right, Zero killed her. Want to know why?"

_That's it._ "If you don't leave now, I'll call the nurse." Suzaku pushes himself up to glare at him and to drive the point home.

There's something intense in the guy's eyes that makes Suzaku uncomfortable, but he's too riled up to do anything about it. Against his expectations, the stranger still doesn't go away, even though he must be seeing that Suzaku isn't just making empty threats.  
>With no patience left, Suzaku decidedly reaches for the call button to drive this freaking pest away, when the guy speaks again.<p>

"I have something for you."

Despite himself, Suzaku stills and turns to look. He immediately hates himself for it, but then he sees what the guy is actually holding and feels his muscles go slack. The irritation is gone in an instant.

A picture frame.  
>But more importantly: Suzaku is in that picture.<p>

He reaches out, almost against his own will, and gingerly brings it closer for inspection.  
>There are three small children in the photo- a little girl he can't remember who had her eyes closed, a younger version of the guy standing next to him, and himself.<br>The girl sits between them, the edge of a wheelchair steals itself into the photo, but he barely notices it next to the soft, serene smile of the girl.

Suzaku's eyes flicker to the black-haired boy. He has a more reserved smile on his face, eyes bright, posture relaxed and slightly leaning towards the younger version of himself. The image stands almost in stark contrast to the guy he would become one day, but Suzaku can't deny that he still sees some traces of that little boy in the older version.

When he's ready, he turns his eyes on himself. A toothy smile threatens to split his whole face, and the energy he exuberates is palpable even in a motionless snapshot. The body language also tells him that the three of them were close.

He stares at that photo for a long time. They all look so happy, so carefree, so…

His throat feels tight.

Something in the air has shifted. He doesn't need to look up to confirm that the stranger feels it, too.

"How old am I in this photo?"

"Almost ten. I am already ten, and Nunnally is seven."

Suzaku nods and thinks 'Nunnally' in confusion, the name he mentioned earlier, but decides not to ask.

He still can't look up. "I am… seventeen now?"

"Yes," the stranger turned acquaintance says, all traces of his earlier maliciousness gone.

Suzaku finally manages to look up. He can see a small, barely-there smile that matches the soft tone he has used just now, but stands in sharp contrast to everything that has transpired up until now. It's like looking at an entirely different person. It took only a few moments, but now the last thing he wants to do is drive this person away.

"What is your name?"

"Lelouch Lamperouge."

"Ah," he says, because he has nothing else to say. The guy just did a complete 180, and Suzaku feels like the last few minutes were a bad dream. Suzaku can hardly believe they were friends judging from way Lelouch has treated him until this sudden change of heart.

Then, because he still hasn't forgiven him for earlier, "You had a stupid haircut."

Lelouch chuckles lightly. "Indeed."

Suzaku snorts and adds: "And you're really horrible at first impressions."

"Duly noted. But you're not angry anymore, are you?"

Suzaku says nothing and continues to look at the picture. There are no words for how relieved he feels at that very moment. Something behind his eyes prickles.

"You're allowed to cry, by the way."

"I don't have to," Suzaku says, almost irritated again.

"Nevertheless you can. I won't think any less of you. You were always a bit more on the sentimental side."

"I don't-" He almost chokes on a lump in his throat. He is angry at himself for the relief that floods through him like a broken dam. But he is just so relieved. He covers his eyes with one hand because he's afraid that he really will burst into tears any second now.

He has feared that he is alone with this situation up until now and the only people that barely know him are the crazy scientist and the gentle, but distant woman who know nothing about him outside of work. But now there is someone here who knows him, really knows him and suddenly he isn't alone in this anymore. Suzaku is now convinced that the earlier almost violent interrogation had been a test Lelouch has planned beforehand so he can tell if Suzaku really is telling the truth or not. He isn't quite sure why something like that would be needed, but maybe Lelouch will tell him later. And, keeping his current situation in life in mind, he can't afford to be picky about his friends right now, even if this one forgot to learn his manners.

But first things first; he has a lot of questions.  
>When he has composed himself, he looks at Lelouch once again.<p>

"Lelouch," Suzaku says carefully, testing the name on his lips.

"Yes?"

Suzaku hesitates for a moment and then scouts up the pin in his left hand. He watches Lelouch's face closely for a reaction, but he can't find any besides idle curiosity and a little flicker of recognition.

"Do you know if this is important to me?"

"It's your symbol as Princess Euphemia li Britannia's knight."

He seems like he would go on about it, but Suzaku cuts him off.

"I know that. I know what it means and why I have it. I saw me wearing it in the TV, but I mean… is it important to me?"

Lelouch raises one eye-brow. "I wouldn't know."

Suzaku lowers it again in slight disappointment. He overcomes the feeling in a matter of seconds when he reminds himself that this person can tell him all about his life, even if he doesn't know every small detail. Suzaku has so many questions not only about himself, but also about Lelouch that it almost stuns him. He doesn't know where to begin.

"Do you… want an asparagus muffin?"

"A _what_?"

Suzaku looks away in embarrassment. "How have we met?"

An unexpected shift on the bed makes him look up again. Lelouch has sat down on the edge of the bed. Belatedly Suzaku realizes that there are no chairs in this room. _I haven't needed any before_, Suzaku thinks briefly but then chases the thought away.

"We met shortly before this photo was taken. We spent the whole summer together but were separated and hadn't seen each other until a few months ago."

"Oh," Suzaku says, and feels a frown on his face. Seeing it like that, they really haven't known each other for that long. It makes him a little bit afraid that there are now large chunks of his life that he will never know. He's a bit disappointed that Lelouch apparently doesn't hold the key to most of Suzaku's memories after all.

He has glossed over a lot of details, Suzaku is sure, and there're still so many things about that time that he wants to know, but he feels like asking a few other things first. Before he can Lelouch interrupts him.

"We're going to the same school. We're in the same class actually."

"Oh. Wait, didn't you say you were one year older?"

Lelouch shakes his head. "I'm older by about half a year. That doesn't change the fact that we're in the same class."

The relief from earlier returns like it has never escaped him in the first place.

_Finally. Finally I can pick up my life again._ "Do I have friends there?"

"You do."

Suzaku feels elated for the first time since he woke up three days ago. "I can't wait to meet them!" He wonders how his friends are, what the school is like, what his favorite subject is-

_Wait._

Suzaku frowns in thought. "But if I'm a student…" he counts on his hand, "I'm a student, a soldier, a knight, and a- what's that word- a devicer? A pilot? How did I ever manage to be all that at once? Or am I wrong?" He looks at Lelouch for help.

Strangely enough he has that intense look in his eyes again. Suzaku doesn't know what to do with that look, so he just hopes it goes away on its own. He has a feeling like Lelouch is the kind to over-think, the kind to stay in the shadows to observe and keep his secrets close to himself. Suzaku doubts he has much in common with him.

"You aren't a knight anymore," Lelouch finally says after what feels like minutes. It's an affirmation if nothing else.

Suzaku grins bashfully. "Yeah, can't be a knight without a princess anymore. But still. I mean, it sounds like a lot of work."

Lelouch still looks at him in that peculiar way. It's a bit sad to think about it in that way, but maybe Lelouch is just now realizing that he lost something, too. Suzaku can't imagine that he is the same anymore after losing all his memories, and the sooner Lelouch realizes that the better.  
>To ward off the silence, Suzaku tries to be chipper for the both of them.<p>

"No wonder I had been stressed! The doctors told me I lost my memories because of stress basically. Well, they used different words but that's what it boils down to."

Lelouch makes a little 'Hm' sound, staring off into the distance.  
>Torn between letting the guy think and distracting Lelouch from whatever is making him sad, Suzaku decides that he'd rather not waste his time. Visiting hours are probably almost over.<p>

"Say, do you know what I'm piloting? My superiors forgot to tell me when they visited. They called it Lance or something."

Lelouch snaps back to reality, but the strange look still hasn't left his features.

"Lancelot," Lelouch corrects. "It's a Knightmare."

Excitement fills him. "A Knightmare? Seriously? I'm piloting a Knightmare?"

At Lelouch's nod Suzaku can barely sit still anymore. He is well aware that he is almost bouncing on his bed now like a small child, but he can't contain himself. At the moment he really does feel like a little boy. Why didn't Cécile and Lloyd tell him that?

"But then… I'm fighting the terrorists, right? Is that why you've asked me what I'd do if Zero was here? That makes sense then. No, wait, I still don't understand that."

Lelouch's face smoothes back into a blank stare.

"Suzaku."

"Yeah?"

"We weren't just friends, Suzaku."

All of his thoughts come to a screeching halt.

_What._

_But._

_Lelouch couldn't possible mean…_

Lelouch's face holds a sliver of insecurity, but otherwise he looks still as high and mighty and imposing as he has before.  
>Suzaku only notices that his own mouth is hanging open when his dry lips bother him.<p>

_Jumping to conclusion_, he thinks, _you're jumping to conclusions_.

"We're… family?" Because he really isn't ready for the alternative, because that came really out of nowhere, because friend or not, Lelouch still creeps him out a little bit.

Lelouch looks away with a look Suzaku can't place. He only catches the wayward trails of embarrassment.

"You know what I mean, Suzaku. Don't make me spell it out for you."

_Oh._

When Lelouch meets his eyes again, he doesn't know how to react.

_You've got to be kidding me…_

"I…um…I," he fumbles for words while he tries to look like hasn't just bitten into a lemon. _Say something!_ "We're gay?"

Now Lelouch looks like _he_ has bitten into a lemon.

"Don't worry about it." Then he says nothing else.

Suzaku stares into nothing while he tries to process all that.  
>Something like confusion and unease nag at his mind. "If we are… I mean, why didn't you visit me earlier? I've been here for three days now."<p>

Lelouch looks like he has to swallow something sour yet again. "We had a little disagreement the last time we spoke. It doesn't matter now, though."

"Was that why you were so hostile before?"

"Yes," he says, unrepentant and staring him down.

Frowning, Suzaku looks down at his hands, at a loss for words. Then, scraping together his courage: "Are you sure we are… _like that_? I mean, because… you are kind of an asshole."

Rather than offended, Lelouch looks amused. "We do seem to bring out the worst in each other. That doesn't change that we are together."

"Oh," Suzaku says despondently, completely out of his element.

He feels a bit queasy about the thought that Lelouch might want to pick up where they have left off.  
>The thing is, Lelouch doesn't even come across like a very good friend. Suzaku can't really imagine being with this person.<br>Suzaku isn't quite sure he can do this.

But Lelouch breaks him out of his musings.

"We were friends before we were lovers. Don't worry about it. Let's make a new start, okay?" A pale hand is offered.

The decision is an easy one. Whatever he's getting himself into, he far prefers to have someone on his side than to face his life alone.

The hand is slightly cool to the touch, but that doesn't detract from the warm gesture.  
>Suzaku is grateful, even if he can't help but feel like he's just signed himself up for more than he ever bargained.<p>

* * *

><p>End of chapter 1<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment, and serves no other purpose.

Summary: This is what Suzaku wakes up to: a white ceiling, a dead princess, and no memories whatsoever. At rock bottom, he's trying to piece his life back together. And then there is this Lelouch guy who claims to be his boyfriend.

Warning(s) for this chapter: short and inexplicit sexual content, strong language

Notes:

1) Thank you so much for all the nice reviews! I replied to everyone I could reply to, but if you reviewed anonymously, don't think I didn't appreciate it!  
>I'm really happy that this story is so well received. So thank you again!<br>2) I'm still ESL, this is still going to be slash, but I've gained a beta! Fist pump, you guys, fist pump! **Muckraker **helped me a ton, and I'm really grateful to have her. It's because of her that you don't have to scream at your screen anymore because of all the hyphens I forgot or put where they don't belong. This chapter is a lot better now because of her.  
>3) Because I started this fic in the summer of 2010, it's already planned out pretty far ahead. You're very welcome to speculate in the comments where it's all going but I won't comment on that.<br>4) I can tell you already that chapter 3 will take me longer to write than chapter 2.  
>5) I apologize for the way this chapter ends.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Blank Slate<strong>

Chapter 2 (May, 31st 2011)

* * *

><p>A door shouldn't be this intimidating.<p>

Suzaku feels a bit ridiculous standing before it with something akin to reverence, but he can't help it. This is important.

It's just a normal door, nothing fancy about it, nothing even worthy of looking at for too long, but it's _his_ door and that makes all the difference. So he just spends a few minutes standing in the hallway, key in one hand, a tiny bag with all his belongings in the other, shoulders squared, and probably looking like a complete idiot.

Fortunately, Cécile and Lloyd aren't here to reinforce that feeling. They only dropped him off like Cécile had promised, and then drove off to do whatever they had to do. He's thanked them a lot— even bowed once or twice, Suzaku remembers in slight embarrassment—not only for driving him here but also for the spare uniform they lent him, their visit the day before, and for being there for him.

Cécile was even kind enough to give him a little map to show him where he has to go to reach the school. It's really just a stone's throw away, but he's grateful nonetheless.

So now he's standing alone before his door in an uncomfortable military uniform, rooted to the spot as if his apartment would devour him if he went in.

He wonders what it looks like from the inside. It's nothing much from the outside, somewhat disappointing even, but that doesn't matter. This is a wonderful place to start to get his life back on track and remember his old self. Whatever lies behind his door will change him.

Suzaku's hands shake in anticipation, and after more fruitless attempts than he'd like to admit, the lock clicks and the door swings open. Blindly, he takes one step into the darkness and then fumbles for the light switch. Once he finally finds it the room is flooded in artificial light.

The first thing he notices is that his apartment is tiny.

The second thing he notices is that it is pristine.

And the third and most lasting thought he has is that it's almost empty.

It doesn't look like a home at all.

* * *

><p>After he has checked that, yes, this is his apartment, this is not a mistake, he gingerly crosses the threshold.<p>

He looks around, making sure he's not just seeing things, but the impression doesn't change. After a second he doesn't even know what he has expected anymore.

It's _bare_. That's the best word for it. He's standing here in what is supposed to be his sanctum, a place where his personality can really shine through, a place he can call his own, and it's bare.

This is what a sparsely furnished, cheap hotel room is supposed to look like. Not a home.

His footsteps are loud in the little one-room apartment. He sweeps his eyes over the small space where he is supposed to live, and sags against the doorframe for support.

_You're freaking out over a room. Pull yourself together! This doesn't change anything._

He drums his fingers against the doorframe, and slowly counts to ten to anchor himself. After a moment, he's in control again.

Determined now, he steps away from the door, and sets out to dig for any hints of his former life.

Not really prepared to face the big elephant in the room just yet he turns to the wardrobe first. With much more strength than is necessary, he opens its doors.

Something white catches his eye immediately.

It's something that looks a bit like a diving-suit but probably isn't.

_Do they even make white diving-suits?_

It's probably something he has to wear for piloting a Knightmare. There is no other reason why he should have something like this.

He hopes.

Though, he just can't quite imagine running around like this. The thought alone embarrasses him. He fingers the fabric hesitantly.

_Does this thing even fit me? _

Next to it is a military uniform that matches the one he's currently wearing. Not particularly interested in it, he looks at the next item.

It's a blue overcoat that Suzaku instantly takes a liking to upon seeing it. It's also something personal, which is nice.

There are a few other nondescript articles of clothing but the last thing in the closet is a black school uniform not unlike the one he has seen Lelouch wear yesterday. He'll have to wear that for school tomorrow.

But something feels amiss.

_Shouldn't I have a knight uniform? The one I wore when I stood beside Princess Euphemia?_

But his wardrobe doesn't contain anything more, so he closes it again, shuts his eyes, and prepares himself to be underwhelmed.

* * *

><p>Even though he already expected it, the rest of his apartment is nothing less than a slap to his face. Suzaku wouldn't have thought it possible, but the apartment is entirely <em>devoid <em>of any personal belongings. There are no pictures, no personal books, no computer, no plants, no nothing. Even the two plates in his cupboard and the toiletries in his bathroom are completely plain and generic.

He spends half an hour looking for anything that isn't there out of total necessity, and is somewhat afraid he'll find anti-depressants or something similar. But he can't find any, and isn't sure if that's a good or a bad sign.

He can't even find a porn mag. For all he knows he spends his days sitting in a corner waiting for death. The saddest thing about it is that both Lloyd's strange comment and the impersonal apartment indicate just that. If he had found anti-depressants, then at least they would have been prescribed to the right person, Suzaku thinks in melancholy.

'_Stand up straight and just endure, little soldier. Maybe wipe the rheum out of your eyes.' _Had that been his life? Was there really nothing more to it?

He's uncomfortably reminded of Cécile and Lloyd's blank looks when he asked about his hobbies. Now he can fully understand why they reacted the way they did.

The only positive thing that comes up with his search is his previously absent wallet. He's not sure what it's doing here but he is relieved nonetheless. It's one thing less to worry about.

There's very little money there, which doesn't surprise him in the slightest, but what does is the fact that he owns a bank card. The feeling quickly turns into dread as he sighs loudly when he realizes that he doesn't recall his pin code. He already knows that dealing with will be a giant headache.

Discouraged already, he searches his wallet a bit more only to find a little photo. Like digging up a treasure, he slowly pulls it out of the little pocket to look at it.

It's a group shot of seven people.

Suzaku spots himself and Lelouch immediately, standing pretty closely, him smiling at the camera and flashing a V-sign and Lelouch looking like he wants to be anywhere else but there.

The rest of the people, he has never seen before.

There is another guy in the shot with cobalt blue hair and a wide grin, but the rest of the people are all girls.

An attractive blonde girl smiles exuberantly at the camera while holding another girl with orange hair in a headlock.

Off to the side are two other girls, one with red hair who looks just as reluctant to be in the shot as Lelouch, and the other sits hunched over a computer that hides most of her face, but enough of it is visible to see that she wears glasses.

It's a strange mix of emotions he gets when he looks at it. But one thought comes clearly to him:

_I want that back._

With a sigh he puts it back. He doesn't want to fall apart again over another photo. He's already almost done it in front of Lelouch, and he really doesn't need an encore.

Then, to his complete surprise, a condom falls out of his wallet when he pulls his hand back.

_O—kay…_

He makes no move to pick it up.

_At least I'm somewhat normal? Good thing I use protection?_

_Wait._

_Is that… in case Lelouch and I…_

He stops that train of thought immediately. He uses protection and that's _good_ and that's all he wants to know right now.

Clearing his thoughts with a shake of his head, fully aware that he's fishing for excuses not to think about it, he turns to his tiny bag in order to unpack it.

The cell phone lies on top of the small pile. He still needs to find out the pin code for it, but he can make emergency calls in its current state, so he decides to take it with him to school tomorrow anyway along with Cécile's little map.

But he's not so sure what to do about Euphemia's pin.

Briefly, he thinks about throwing it away. He doesn't need it now anymore now that it lost its meaning.

But he can't quite bring himself to do so. Even though it's nothing now and only reminds him of the fact that he failed as a knight, the pin must have been important to him once, he is sure of that.  
>And it's not like he has no room to keep it or anything. On the contrary, he really needs more furniture or things to call his own.<p>

He puts it on the nightstand. It looks out of place, but Suzaku supposes there is very little that wouldn't stick out in an empty apartment.

With a bit of hesitation he puts Cécile's muffin next to it.

He couldn't find it in himself to eat it after all. The one bite he took still churns in his stomach, and even all his good intentions couldn't get him past the taste.

It's undeniably unpalatable now that it has turned hard. But it was such a nice gesture of her that he can't find it in himself to throw it away. He feels silly for it, as it's only catching dust now, but Cécile gave this to him and he honors that, even if he can't eat it. Maybe he can use it as a paperweight or something…

But he's already done with unpacking, he notices in resignation. Rationally, he knows that there wasn't much to unpack, but it still feels like it should have been more, that there should have been more to link his two lives together.

Despondent and almost ready to call it a day, he walks into the little kitchen in search of something to eat.

A package of potato soup is the only edible thing in his cupboard. Stuck with that option, he checks the expiry date, weights the prospect of going hungry against getting intimately acquainted with the toilet, and decides he really likes to think he has a strong stomach.

It's bland and only vaguely reminds him of potato, but it's not hospital food, so it's some kind of progress in Suzaku's book.

Eating mechanically, he ponders, _If I'm an orphan, I must have a caretaker, right?_

There is the problem again that if there really is such a person, he or she or they have yet to show up. _Story of my life so far…_

Is he allowed to live on his own anyway? Or did the authorities look at his file and decided an Eleven just isn't worth wasting money on?

Suzaku wonders what had happened. There has to be something. He couldn't have fallen through the cracks like this. Or maybe you are already allowed to live on your own by the age of sixteen?

He doesn't know. _It's probably for the best if I assume that I don't have anyone._

The thought doesn't hurt as much anymore, but it still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

But he has to be pragmatic about it and accept it as it comes. He decides he should ask Lelouch about that. And also ask about his parents.

Cécile and Lloyd have only told him that he doesn't have them anymore. His only option is Lelouch, at any rate. Regardless of what Suzaku and Lelouch have been once or what they are to each other now, Suzaku needs him as someone to be there for him first and foremost.

Thinking yet again about Lelouch comes with the reminder that Suzaku needs to do something about that. For one thing, he thinks he wants to give Lelouch a chance. Not just to get back to where he was in his life before, but also because he thinks that under Lelouch's prickly exterior lies a very nice guy and Suzaku wouldn't be averse to finding out more about that. A part of him thinks it's only fair to Lelouch and to himself, even if he has yet to warm up to the whole thing. _Don't knock it until you tried it, I guess…_

He just hopes Lelouch gives him some time to get used to all of this first. Right now he still feels extremely uncomfortable with the idea alone, and the surprise condom in his wallet really didn't help. But he'll worry about that later. At the moment he just met the guy.

In the middle of swallowing a mouthful of potatoes he realizes that he was wrong before.

Lelouch has lost much more than a friend.

The thought weighs heavy in his stomach, making him feel like he just ate lead. He shakes his head. _What am I even thinking? Of course I will try it with him. This isn't even up for debate._

Rubbing his arm with one hand, he shoots his wallet a glance. After silently berating himself for his indecision, he pulls out the photo again.

Tentatively, he traces its edges with a finger.

_This is my boyfriend, _he thinks, and swallows uneasily. _I need to start thinking of him as my boyfriend._

It will be fresh start, both for him and for Lelouch. He's sure it will be awkward at first, but hopefully they'll get back to where they had been before. Suzaku thinks he would like that.

A part of him is aware that he's thoughtlessly chasing after the smoke trails his former self has left behind, but a larger part of him wants to retrace his own footsteps, and end up where he was before.

And if it takes a little while to take this all in, get used to the decisions he had made in his former life, and welcome Lelouch into his life again with open arms, then so be it. He's sure it'll be worth it.

Nodding in the direction of the photo and holding up his cup of potato soup for a silent toast, he thinks:

_You better sweep me off my feet, Mister._

* * *

><p>He notices the scars for the first time when he's standing under the shower.<p>

There are small and most importantly normal looking ones on his knees, a few on his hands and arms and a slightly longer one on his calf. But the one that stands out the most and doesn't look normal at all is the one on his hip. More than that it almost looks lethal and while it has healed over already, it still looks recent.

_That's right, I'm a soldier._ _I had almost forgotten._ He doesn't know how that thought makes him feel. Pride might have been the normal reaction to that, but he doesn't really feel that way. He wonders what his motives were for joining the army in the first place. But that's not something he has to figure out right now.

Feeling like he needs to get some tension out of his system, he decides to take advantage of the fact that he isn't stuck in the hospital anymore.

Gripping himself, he settles into a fast and relentless rhythm. He thinks of no one while he pumps himself. It doesn't take long.

Afterwards, when he watches his come swirl down the drain, he wonders if he should have thought about someone in particular while doing that. To get used to the idea, connect this to a certain someone. But he shakes his head, not ready to tackle that hurdle yet.

* * *

><p>Before getting into his Britannian bed, he gathers his schedule for school, the books he needs, and his schoolbag.<p>

He hopes Lelouch will show him around so he doesn't run around the campus like a headless chicken, but otherwise he isn't very worried about going to school.

He's ready for tomorrow.

* * *

><p>On the next day he doesn't feel so good about this anymore.<p>

Ashford is grand and imposing. It towers above him like an old fortress and blocks out the sun from where he stands. It's a beautiful building with its white façade and general feel of affluence.  
>Students are running around, voices everywhere, clear blue sky; but what has the most of Suzaku's attention right now is the knot in his stomach. As far as he is concerned it is the first day of school. He's just slightly terrified.<p>

_How did I ever make it into this school?_

As he moves into the courtyard he becomes aware of how the students seem to move around him as if repelled by a pole. Like a personal bubble that can't be breached, the students keep a fair distance from him, careful never to get too close. It's uncanny, and bewilders him for a second, but then he notices a poorly concealed sneer on one of the boys walking next to him and he has a good guess as to why.

Whatever he has expected, the entire school hating him wasn't it.

_How did I ever make it into an all-Britannian school?_

He's been to this school for barely a minute and already he feels like he doesn't belong, that in fact he never belonged here. Conscious of every step he takes, he feels like he wants to sink into the ground as the students avoid him like the plague.

Thankfully, his walk of shame doesn't last long as Lelouch appears at his side, heedless of the student body's quiet disdain.

"You're early," he says, voice light and almost cheerful for Lelouch's standards, judging from what Suzaku has seen of him so far.

"I didn't want to be late on my first day of school," he says, pathetically grateful to see a familiar face for once, and a vaguely friendly one at that.

Lelouch nods. "Just follow me."

Ashford is just as impressive from the inside. The hall is brightly lit with giant windows, a long corridor and a high ceiling. Suzaku feels so small in this beautiful school. It all just undermines the fact that he sticks out like a sore thumb. _One of these things is not like the others. One of these things doesn't belong…_

Lelouch leads him to the locker room. He bends down at one of them, and enters his combination. Suzaku eyes the row of lockers with dread.

Without looking at him, Lelouch asks if he still remembers his combination, managing to only sound practical and not at all like he's mocking him. For once it probably wasn't intended.

Suzaku stares forlornly around the room. "I don't even know which one is mine…" But in the far left corner he sees a locker that has noticeable indents and scratches on it, and a racial slur written on it in thick, black strokes.

"Am I the only Number in this school?"

"Yes, you are," Lelouch says without looking at him.

"Never mind then, I found it."

Upon taking a closer look, the lock is already broken, which doesn't surprise Suzaku. The inside of the locker is dark and wide, but it doesn't harbor any other unpleasant surprises.

As it is, the locker is damaged, empty, and useless, but it's his, and if the thought hadn't been so depressing, it would have been a nice metaphor for himself.

Trying not to lose face and not really knowing why, he looks up again with a fake smile.

"I have all the books with me that I need, and everything else seems to be at home. I don't think I need a locker anyway."

Lelouch's expression has already darkened when Suzaku dares to make eye contact again. He nods with a disapproving frown on his face, and then turns to go. Suzaku easily catches up again.

On the way to the class rooms, he almost startles when he realizes that Lelouch is upset on his behalf. This revelation keeps him distracted until they round the corner to enter one of the classrooms, and then he can only think about how it feels like his stomach wants to crawl out of his body.

Lelouch walks into the classroom nonchalantly, points to a chair close to the middle with the words "That one is yours," and then walks across the room to a seat next to a window. The room is already filled with students, but when Lelouch and Suzaku entered the door, a hush fell over the enclosed space, and even worse, every eye is now on him.

Feeling like an attraction at the circus, Suzaku avoids eye contact, navigates around the chairs, and tries to make himself very, very small when he takes his own seat.

_Dou shiyou?_ he thinks, hunching over his little school-bench.

S_top thinking in Japanese! Do they know what happened to me? The princess was all over the news and—_ _Get out a pen, get something to write on, and get a grip!_

Fidgeting, he takes out everything he needs, and then closes his eyes to find his center.

_What is the worst they can do to me? I've already been sneered at and my locker can't get any worse. They can't do anything. Sticks and stones and all that…_

_I have no reason to be this nervous. I'm not alone. Lelouch is here, I have a place to return to, a steady job and an income. They can't do anything to me._

_Eyes to the front, hands on the desk, back straight. Give them nothing and just concentrate on the lecture._

With this newfound calmness, he writes the date on the piece of paper in the upper left corner, and just breathes.

His shoulders are slack, his heartbeat is normal, his hands calm and steady. He only feels what he wants to feel, the stares and sneers of the students don't bother him anymore, and the promise of a long and tedious Monday is only met with cold determination.

_Have I always been able to swallow my emotions down like this?_

Hearing footsteps, he looks up, and nearly jumps out of his skin when an orange-haired girl stands directly before him. Distantly, he notes that he has seen her on that photo before.

"Suzaku? Are you all right?"

Suzaku stares at her, completely overwhelmed.

Here is someone who is _worried _about him. He has been wholly unprepared to actually meet people who care enough about him to worry about him. Not only did it seem like Lelouch is the only living person who is important in his life, after he sat for days on that hospital bed, he thought the rest of the world would be happier if he just quietly keeled over and got out of everyone's hair.

Apparently she doesn't know about his condition, but he can't blame her, he has been in the news only as an afterthought next to the whole tragedy. No one cares about the disgraced knight.

He can't find any words.

There are many things he could retort. 'Are you my friend?' is what he wants to ask the most, but he fears that wouldn't go over too well. But he has to say something, now that he has stared at her like a gaping fish out of water for too long to be considered polite.

"I… I'm sorry. I have amnesia. I… don't remember you."

The silence that follows is deafening. No one talks, no one even seems to breathe as the girl before him covers her mouth with one hand, and Suzaku feels like he stands naked in the spotlight.

Then the whispering begins, rising in volume like a crescendo.

Suzaku can only look apologetically at the girl who seems to be frozen to the spot. He wants to apologize again, maybe reassure her that it isn't her fault, but her eyes are filled with so much compassion his throat closes up and he doesn't know what to do with himself.

Lelouch is at her side in the next moment and saves the day. "Sit down, Shirley. We'll talk about everything with the rest of the Student Council. Right now isn't the time." He touches her shoulder and pushes her a bit in the direction of her chair. Shirley looks like she wants to say something, but keeps it to herself and nods.

"Don't worry, Suzaku, it'll be fine," she says to him quietly as the teacher enters the room. The reassuring smile she sends him makes his heart clench.

Lelouch also throws him a last look, whispering, "She is a good friend," before turning away.

Suzaku nods, feeling very slow and horribly, horribly out of place.

The teacher, a small, elderly woman with a stern expression and watchful eyes begins to talk, and Suzaku's attention focuses on her. After a few minutes of what seems like an angry tirade on her part, Suzaku realizes once more with relief that apparently all his academic knowledge hasn't suddenly evaporated like his personal memories have.

School doesn't seem all that imposing anymore, and even if not everything is perfect and whole in his world, there is one thing that distracts him for the rest of the period.

_I have friends_, he thinks.

* * *

><p>Math is more difficult. Suzaku would have liked to think that he only has trouble with the subject because he has forgotten some of his academic knowledge after all, but he knows it's really just him and his inability to grasp math, even if he likes to think otherwise.<p>

Now that the excitement has ebbed away, the lessons are starting to drag. He still takes notes diligently like he should but keeps getting distracted and waits for the lesson to be over. Just one glance across the room tells him that the other students share his sentiment.

That nice girl from earlier, Shirley, takes notes but she looks just as bored as anyone else. He'd like to get to know her better once he gets a chance, he thinks.

When he looks at Lelouch, expecting to see something similar, he does a double take.

…_is he sleeping in class?_

He's hunched over his little desk, arms cushioning his head, unmoving, and eyes closed.

_He's not sleeping in class, is he?_

Then he sees the blue-haired guy he saw in the photo poke Lelouch none-too-discreetly with a pencil. Lelouch doesn't even react, and the other boy sits back in his chair with a sigh.

_You've got to be kidding me._

The teacher noticed, Suzaku is certain, but he does nothing about it.

Suzaku waits for something to happen, for a wind to blow over the frail card house, but Lelouch just continues to sleep, unperturbed, not making a sound, and only wakes up when the bell rings.

* * *

><p>Lelouch is talking animatedly with that girl from before, Shirley, and the blue-haired guy who has poked Lelouch earlier with his pencil. Suzaku knows they're discussing him, maybe arguing about how to handle him, and while he's a bit annoyed that they apparently can't just include him in that discussion, another part is strangely touched. He still isn't used to the thought that people care about him and actually want to help him.<p>

But still.

_Proceed with caution, may bite, _he thinks glumly.

"I'm going to warn Millay," the guy Suzaku doesn't know exclaims and runs out of the room.

… _No need to 'warn' her._

Lelouch stands before him in the next moment.

"You're part of the Student Council. Follow me."

Feeling just slightly patronized, he follows them. He's sure he'll meet the rest of the photo now.

* * *

><p>All of them stare at him in their little circle. As uncomfortable as that makes him to be the center of attention like this, what is even worse is the hint of pity in their faces. Just more people to put in the pity pile. Suzaku glares at the wall, not wanting to look them in the eyes anymore.<p>

"Ah, don't worry about it! You'll remember us in no time!" says the blue-haired guy with a grin. Suzaku doesn't even know his name. This is more than just a little awkward.

Everyone here knows him. Maybe they know him only superficially, maybe they have only talked to him a few times, but everyone here probably knows him more than he knows himself.

For him everyone is a stranger. He has no idea how to act around them. But most of all he has no idea how to handle this situation.

"Welcome back to the Student Council!" the boisterous, blonde woman says, winking at him.

"Thank you," he says for lack of anything else to say.

She shakes her head, not finished yet. "You poor thing. Anyway, onto the introductions! I'm the president of the Student Council, Millay Ashford!"

_Ashford? Like this—_ he thinks but she gives him no time to ask when she surprises everyone by slapping Lelouch soundly across the back.

"I believe you've already met our vice-president, Ebenezer Scrooge here," Millay says while petting Lelouch more softly on the back. It's obvious to Suzaku that Lelouch appreciates neither the gesture nor the title she gave him, but Millay either doesn't notice or doesn't care. She's rather intimidating, Suzaku decides.

Letting go of her victim, she points to the only other guy in the room. "This is Rivalz," and then she turns to the other girl, "And this is Shirley. Kallen and Nina aren't here today, but I'm sure you'll meet them soon enough."

He nods and then swallows once, needing to know something.

"You're all my friends?" Suzaku asks, feeling slightly like he can step out of the twilight zone now and into a brighter and friendlier place.

"Pff! Of course we're your friends, you silly boy!"

_We're all friends?_

_But…_

"Why didn't you visit me in the hospital then?" It came out harsher than he has intended, but now he can't take it back.

Shirley looks dismayed when she answers. "We tried to call you and send messages, but we could never reach you. We didn't know you were in the hospital. If we had, we would have visited you." Millay and Rivalz nod next to her.

Suzaku blinks in confusion.

"But Lelouch visited me. Why didn't…" He turns to Lelouch in mid-sentence, who looks startled as the room's attention is suddenly on him.

"I only found out that you were in the hospital shortly before you got discharged. My visit was very last minute."

"Oh, okay."

_Is that right? _

Frowning, he looks to the side. _But I stayed in the hospital for one day longer and was only discharged in the evening. Surely there was still enough time to visit me…_

He's almost ready to argue, but then he's distracted by something black in the corner of his eyes.

There is a cat trotting into the room.

"Oh! That's right, you forgot him, too. That's Arthur," Shirley says to him.

"You like cats," Lelouch tells him, almost like he's mocking him.

"I do?" Suzaku asks, slightly put off at being treated like the village idiot, and feeling like he only drives that point home.

It's a bit strange that someone else has to tell him his preferences like that. There are still so many things about himself he doesn't know yet, and it's quite discouraging to find out that something that should have been innate to him is one of them.

_So I like cats?_

But when the cat looks up, makes eye contact and slowly walks up to him, Suzaku knows it's true.

Then Arthur gives a little meow in lieu of a greeting and Suzaku is in love.

Feeling truly welcomed for the very first time, he greets the cat in turn with a softly spoken "hey," before reaching out with his hand to pet it.

The bite comes completely out of nowhere.

To add insult to injury, everyone starts to laugh around him when he can't quite manage to get his finger back.

"Arthur clearly hasn't forgotten you!" Millay says in-between laughing.

"He's done this before?" _Really, you could have warned me._

"Oh, he does it all the time! But only with you. You must be his special person."

Not feeling very special at all, Suzaku redoubles his efforts to wiggle his finger free without hurting the cat in the process.

Eventually Shirley comes to his rescue by distracting Arthur with one of his toys, and he manages to retrieve his hand.

There're tiny scratches visible, but none have broken the skin. He shoots Arthur a baleful look, but he really can't dispel the lingering affection he feels for the cat, and he can't stay angry at it anyway.

He smiles at Shirley, wanting to thank her for helping him but her eyes aren't on him.

They're on Lelouch.

Suzaku can't interpret her look, but there's something in her gaze that unsettles him. It's certainly not your run of the mill 'I'm just looking at some guy' look, especially when Lelouch is just sitting there, looking bored. Suzaku fears there's more to that.

But he's not sure what it means.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, he turns back to Rivalz who is talking with Millay.

"Nina might take a while to get over her death. She had always admired Princess Euphe— oh." Rivalz shoots him a worried look. "Sorry, man! I forgot!"

"It's okay." Suzaku assures him, shrugging good-naturedly at him.

Shirley turns to look at him while biting her lip. "I'm sorry but… you seem to take the news really well. I thought you'd be more upset."

Shrugging again, he says, "I don't remember her. I know it must have been horrible for me at that time, but I don't remember anything."

"How sad."

Not looking at her, he mentally agrees. But neither her sadness nor his remorse will have any effect on his memories, so he hopes they're done with this depressing topic now.

Then Lelouch stands up without preamble. "If that's all, I'll be taking my leave." And then starts to pack his bag.

_Is he leaving me here?_

Not wanting him to leave yet and not really knowing why, he turns around and asks the first thing that comes to mind.

"Um, why didn't the teacher wake you up, Lelouch? I'm sure he noticed you sleeping."

Lelouch just gives him a noncommittal shrug and continues packing his things. Suzaku is a bit disappointed at his lack of reaction but then Rivalz answers for Lelouch with a grin.

"This happens all the time! If the teachers wake him up he'll just take one look at the blackboard and say the correct answer, and then he'll go back to sleep. A few teachers still try, but they never manage to catch him off guard. It's really funny!"

Suzaku turns to him with wide eyes. "_Teachers_? Plural?"

"Yep! Come to think of it, I think he does that with all of his subjects."

Suzaku's eyes widen even further. "With _all _of his subjects? Is he that good?"

"Dude, he's a genius. Doesn't even need to study or anything. Come to think of it, it's really annoying sometimes. But he sucks hardcore at P.E.!"

Suzaku's mouth drops open. "A genius? Really? How did I ever manage to get a guy like him?"

Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Lelouch recoil like someone has just punched him in the stomach.

Rivalz and the girls look at him in confusion. "Huh? Do mean why he's friends with you? He doesn't really care that you're an Eleven. He's a really nice guy that way. Uh, I mean nobody here cares… all that much."

But Suzaku's attention is already on Lelouch, who still looks like he still hasn't recovered from whatever happened to him just now.

Lelouch, almost halfway out the door, makes eye contact with him and shoots him this _horrified_ look that makes Suzaku feel like he has just done something terrible.

And then, making sure Suzaku is looking at him, he lifts a hand to his collar and tugs. Suzaku stares in incomprehension.

_What? Am I in trouble? What did I do? That was deliberate, wasn't it? Is there something wrong with my collar? What?_

Lelouch quickly recovers and in a blink of an eye his features smooth back into annoyance. Making sure Suzaku's still looking, he tilts his head slightly backwards in a 'follow me' motion and starts in the opposite direction. _That_ Suzaku understands, so he shoots everyone a friendly smile, saying, "Ah, I have to go now! Thanks for everything! I'll see you tomorrow!" and quickly grabs his bag and leaves the room before anyone can protest.

Lelouch waits for him there in the hallway, and after shooting him a look, turns to the left. Suzaku follows him obediently, thinking that his departure was actually quite rude just now.

He hopes that whatever Lelouch wants with him now is worth it.

When Suzaku walks through the throng of people behind Lelouch, he becomes once again aware of the not-so-discreet stares directed at him and the whispers that seem to follow him everywhere. He is relieved when the crowd starts to grow thinner and thinner.

To his surprise, Lelouch leads him not to the exit of the school but instead to a bout of staircases that seem to lead to the roof. Curious now, Suzaku catches up with him to walk at his side. A few steps later, he's quite surprised when Lelouch seems to breathe heavier and slows down to an almost-annoying pace.

_Rivalz wasn't exaggerating. _

Suzaku can't quite suppress a grin.

After what seems like half an eternity, they reach the end of the stairs. The sun blinds him for a moment when he opens the door to the rooftop. It would have been a glorious view if it hadn't been for all the uniform cement buildings.

Lelouch tugs on his collar again when he has composed himself from that little bit of exercise, walking towards the railing.

"This means 'meet me on the rooftop'. We had this sign for seven years now. I had forgotten you wouldn't remember."

"Oh, how… secretive," Suzaku says with a tilt of his head. "Why did we need that?"

Lelouch shrugs dismissively. "It can come in handy." And that is that.

They both lean on the railing and stare at the distance with Lelouch deep in thought and Suzaku appreciating the view. Suzaku doesn't know what they're doing here but stays quiet for Lelouch's sake.

It's a comfortable silence. After a few long moments, Lelouch breaks it.

"They don't know."

He's still looking at the city when he says that, oblivious to Suzaku's confusion.

Suzaku frowns at his profile. "Don't know what?"

Lelouch doesn't turn around. "About us."

"Oh. I guess I just assumed…"

Now he feels a bit silly for just having assumed that they are an established couple. He'd almost outed them in probably the worst way possible. He really should have thought about that some more. But why would that bother Lelouch so much?

Suzaku stares at his own fingers for a few seconds and then decides to just say what's on his mind. "You really like to keep secrets, don't you?"

Lelouch shakes his head. "It's not that." _I think it is,_ Suzaku thinks, but doesn't interrupt. "We haven't been dating for that long. It would still be too early to tell them, especially now."

That's something he hasn't even thought about before. Now he's kind of disappointed with himself. "How long have we been dating?"

"About a month."

Suzaku hums in acknowledgement, thoughtful. "That's really not very long."

Lelouch shrugs again.

"How did we start dating?"

Something seems to freeze Lelouch, but in a blink of an eye it is gone and Suzaku is convinced he just imagined it. He's still looking at the scenery, which starts to irritate Suzaku a little bit.

"You approached me one day after school. It was anti-climatic, really. You just walked up to me and asked me out on a date."

_I had been the one to instigate it? Huh._

_Then again, I can't really see him asking me out. Even though he can be pretty forward. _

He eyes Lelouch sideways.

_But…no._

_I bet that if he really wants something, he'll get it, come hell or high water._

"And you said yes?"

_I wonder what made me seek him out. I wonder what made _him_ go along with it._

"Yes, I did."

When Lelouch meets his eyes again, Suzaku is determined to try to see what he has seen before, determined to either cut his losses or find a piece of himself again.

But he's not there yet. He sees only Lelouch— a boy he really wants to befriend and wants to know better but not someone who makes butterflies appear in his stomach.

The absence of this kind of affection is unexpected. And he admits this to himself: slightly disconcerting.

While he has only known Lelouch for two days, he would have liked to find some hints of what they had before. He hasn't expected love at first sight, but he would have appreciated a little more than this.

He can't speak for Lelouch, but as it is, it doesn't feel much like they're boyfriends.

_It'll come in time. There's no reason to be worried, _he thinks, and balls his fists.

Chasing the troubling thoughts away, he decides to breach a topic that has been bothering him since he stepped through the gates of this grand institution.

"How did I ever make it into this school? It can't be because of my grades."

Lelouch turns away with an audible exhalation, shoulders slumping slightly.

"You're basically here because Princess Euphemia wanted you to go to this school."

Suzaku drops his bag in surprise. "Wha—what?"

Lelouch looks at him while Suzaku bends down to pick up the dropped bag.

"She pulled a few strings. Without her involvement it might have been impossible for you to go to this school."

There's dirt on it now but Suzaku barely notices it, hugging it to his stomach. "Why? Why would she do that for me?"

Lelouch clicks his tongue, and for the first time Suzaku realizes that he seems kind of reluctant to talk about this.

"I don't think she could have made you her knight without you having some kind of education."

Suzaku frowns, shaking his head. "But, I mean, why did she pick me out of… thousands of people. I mean, choosing an Eleven as a knight couldn't have gone over smoothly."

Lelouch clicks his tongue again and raises one eyebrow. "You are an excellent pilot. And a formidable soldier. Why wouldn't she pick you?"

_I can't be _that _good._

"But it must have been a scandal. Has a Number ever become a knight?"

"You're underestimating yourself, Suzaku. She must have thought you'd be worth it," Lelouch says, completely avoiding the question. Suzaku starts to feel a bit exasperated.

"That's no reason to cause a scandal. Who would even want to go through all that hassle when it can be easily avoided?"

"I could think of a few people," Lelouch says with that strange look in his eyes again but doesn't explain what he means.

Suzaku shakes his head. "But—"

"I had hoped that your self-esteem wouldn't take a sudden nose-dive through the course of this conversation. If you're just going to open your mouth to bemoan your inadequacy, then do us both a favor and stop it." Lelouch is gritting his teeth when he says that. Suzaku isn't sure why Lelouch just can't understand what he's getting at.

"But still, it just doesn't make any—"

Lelouch is starting to look genuinely angry. "What do you want me to say? She was a princess. She could have had any reason to appoint you to that position. I wouldn't know. Maybe you just were at the right place at the right time. Maybe she rebelled against her family. Maybe it was all just a political ruse to gain sympathizers among the Japanese. Maybe you made a huge impression on her while fighting in the Lancelot."

And with a flash in his eyes he says: "Maybe she took a fancy to you."

Suzaku makes a face at him. "Don't even joke about that. That really isn't funny."

_Really, that was completely unnecessary._

Lelouch shakes his head and his angry demeanor deflates along with his posture. He turns back to look at the scenery with a somber expression on his face. Suzaku doesn't know why he's so stingy about this whole thing. Maybe this had been a source of conflict for them before? But why would it be? Even if the massacre overshadows the whole aspect, this couldn't have been what has Lelouch so upset. It's not Suzaku's fault that the princess lost her mind and killed all those people. Lelouch can't blame him for blindly following a psychopath; no one had expected it until she pulled out the gun.

But he knows when he has hit a nerve, so he decides to breach more shallow and less threatening waters.

"Can you tell me a bit more about our first meeting?"

Lelouch exhales deeply, probably grateful for the change in topic. At least he doesn't look angry anymore.

"You punched me when we first met."

Suzaku looks at him in surprise. That's about the last thing he expected to hear.

"Really? I did that?"

Lelouch hums in affirmation, gaze still fixated somewhere beyond the horizon. Suzaku decides he wants to do something about that.

"Did you deserve it?"

That startles a laugh out of Lelouch. Finally, he turns away from the scenery to look him in the eyes. It comes to a surprise to him how much something this insignificant feels like a personal victory.

"No, but you redeemed yourself, so don't feel guilty." He cocks his head to the side. "I had expected an apology, actually."

Suzaku scratches the back of his head bashfully. "I would apologize, but… you can be kind of a jerk sometimes."

Lelouch snorts in amusement and looks at the asphalt scenery again. He might have muttered something under his breath that sounded like "I think we established that already," but Suzaku isn't really sure he has heard him correctly.

He decides to ignore it and looks at him with a grin. "Do you still want one? An apology, that is."

The other boy just shakes his head, at once more subdued. "Save it for something you're really sorry about." Lelouch isn't looking at him when he says that, and from where he stands, his face looks just as grim as the tone of his voice has been, and even though Suzaku has been half-joking until now, he has a feeling Lelouch has been serious the entire time.

Maybe there really is something Suzaku should be apologizing for. But for all his good intentions, asking if you should be apologizing for something without knowing if you've done something at all doesn't seem like the recommended course of action.

Suzaku wonders if Lelouch will bring it up eventually if it really is important. He has his doubts, but he can't do anything about that if Lelouch doesn't tell him.

This would be the perfect time to ask about his parents, but Lelouch is already looking down, and Suzaku can't imagine this being a happy conversation. He will ask him later.

He dislikes seeing Lelouch like this and thinks of something that would cheer him up. Suzaku hasn't much to offer, but he wonders if he shouldn't just take a leap of faith and ask Lelouch out on a date. Lelouch might appreciate the effort, and Suzaku has to face this sooner or later.

But Lelouch speaks again before Suzaku can ask.

"There's something important you are not aware of yet."

_Of course._

"And that is?"

Lelouch looks at his folded hands without giving him an answer for far too long. Suzaku already has a feeling he won't like what comes next.

"I'll just say as it is," he begins, and at that moment Suzaku knows we won't like it.

But Lelouch stops his world anyway:

"You are one of the Black Knights."

Suzaku doesn't comprehend what he's just said for the first few moments.

But then the meaning pushes through his skull.

_This—_

_What in the world—_

He looks at Lelouch. He waits for him to break into a grin, waits for him to laugh or do whatever Lelouch does when he's amused, waits for any hint, anything really, to indicate that Lelouch_ isn't fucking serious_.

Out of anything better to say Suzaku laughs nervously, feeling like he lost his lungs somewhere along with his mind.

"Yeah, right. That would be… uh…"

Lelouch is leaning on the railing, looking him in the eyes with no hint of amusement. He's not saying anything.

Worst of all: he is waiting for Suzaku to take it in.

Suzaku feels like someone just pulled the floor from underneath his feet.

"I'm… loyal to Zero?" he asks, because something is screaming in his head.

"Yes," Lelouch says, his voice strong with intent. "Nobody else knows. You kept it a secret from everyone else. You were still in the military and you were Princess Euphemia's knight. It was risky, oh yes, but no one ever found out, even if they whispered about it behind their hands. No one could prove anything. You were the perfect spy."

Suzaku isn't ready for this, and hides his face in his hands.

_But how—_

_I thought I was—_

_Lelouch is… Lelouch knows that—_

Suzaku looks up with sudden urgency. "How do you know all that?"

Something flitters across Lelouch's expression too fast for Suzaku to catch.

Then, like a child with a big secret, Lelouch looks around himself to make sure that they are indeed alone and then leans in conspicuously. Suzaku would have been amused in any other situation. As it is, he feels like the sky is falling down on him.

Then Lelouch opens his mouth and aims straight for the kill.

"I am Zero."

* * *

><p>End of chapter 2<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment and serves no other purpose.

Summary: This is what Suzaku wakes up to: a white ceiling, a dead princess, and no memories whatsoever. At rock bottom, he's trying to piece his life back together. And then there is this Lelouch guy who claims to be his boyfriend.

Warning(s) for this chapter: strong language

Notes:

1) I want to thank everyone for their reviews again! I read through them so, so many times and they always make me happy. Thank you.  
>2) <strong>Muckraker<strong> is absolutely awesome for being my beta! She's awesome all on her own, but she'll get a special round of applause from me for that.  
>3) This chapter took WAY longer than I wanted it to. The biggest reason for that was because of RL shenanigans. I didn't intend to leave you all on a cliffhanger for months, and I hope that doesn't happen again.<br>4) I'd like to point out that there are a few things in here that I don't necessarily agree with but are still in here because that's what I'd imagine Suzaku to think like. Also, this is the brooding chapter.  
>5) Topping business. <em>Topping business. <em>Yes. Some anon people asked or made indications that they wanted to know, and while I prefer to keep you all in the dark, I'd feel like a jerk if I just ignored it, so read this obnoxious little thing here backwards if you want to know before the fic gets there: esuohadnignihctiwsebereht,oy

* * *

><p><strong>Blank Slate<strong>

Chapter 3 (October, 16th 2011)

* * *

><p>Distantly, Suzaku is aware that he dropped his bag again.<p>

_Zero, _Suzaku can only think. _Zero._

When he shrinks away, disoriented and clumsy, his feet catch on each other, and Lelouch makes a grab for his arm. Suzaku jerks back before he can think, and he watches Lelouch's hand freeze in midair before it falls to his side again.

_Terrorists. We are terrorists._

_What in the world have I done with my life?_

Lelouch stands still, says nothing, and watches him warily. Suzaku is sure that if Lelouch had said anything, he wouldn't have heard a word over the loop of _ZeroZeroZero _in his head anyway. Even though Lelouch is still standing relatively close, he seems far away and black around the edges, as though Suzaku is looking at him through a tunnel.

Suzaku feels like he's not really part of the scene. Like a remote spectator, he's looking in on it, maybe pointing, maybe even slightly amused at the turn of events, but far, far away and safe in that distance.

"Suzaku?"

With a jolt, Suzaku shakes his head to bring some order to his thoughts again. Slowly, the spots in his vision clear away and everything becomes sharper and clearer and oh so real. The sun is shining brightly, Suzaku hasn't fallen over, and Lelouch is waiting for him to get a grip.

'_What would you do if Zero suddenly stood before you?'_

_What indeed._

But no, he refuses to believe this. Of all the people in the world, there isn't a chance in hell that his boyfriend could be Zero. And him being one of the Black Knights…

_Lelouch has told me crap before. Is this another test? Please tell me this is a test._

When he looks at Lelouch again— and when did he start looking at thin air, anyway?— there still isn't anything on his face to ease Suzaku's distress. Nothing to indicate that this is done in jest; it's all honesty, and nothing is putting a stop to this. Suzaku feels just slightly sick and presses a hand against his temple and starts to massage it, hoping against hope that Lelouch will crack a grin after all.

"This really isn't funny." Because out of all the ways life could have given him the finger, this just can't be it. This can't be what they are.

Lelouch exhales loudly and runs a hand through his hair. "This isn't a joke. I wouldn't joke about this."

Suzaku shakes his head. It's a slow motion like moving through molasses and not at all vehement like he meant to do, because this is the worst thing, the absolute worst thing that Lelouch could have told him.

"But…"

_It can't be true. That would just be preposterous. I'm a soldier. Being a Black Knight would be everything I'm not. Not only that, but I've been a knight. There's no way I could have been all of that at once, right?_

_The perfect spy…_

_I was Princess Euphemia's knight. _

Except that if what Lelouch says is true, then this has become a lie. With that, the man who stood next to Princess Euphemia was actually a knight of a different color: a Black Knight who shrouded himself in white-gold lies. _Smile for the camera, you gallant knight. Don't falter in your stride._

With that thought comes yet another realization: he's talking to her murderer.

This time he doesn't take a step backwards, but that doesn't make the shock any less potent or the shiver down his spine any less noticeable. And if Suzaku gives him a deer in the headlights look, then this killer before him really can't blame him.

"You killed Princess Euphemia."

The expression on Lelouch's face is somber, but not particularly surprised when he answers. "I had to. She betrayed us." He takes a deep breath before he continues. "We thought we could count on her and the Special Administration Zone. I never intended to kill her. But she betrayed our trust and even twisted the knife in our back. A lot of people died that day."

Suzaku has trouble swallowing. There's a giant lump there and it feels as though he has to swallow the whole meaning of this along with it.

…_of course, how could I have forgotten? I shouldn't defend her like that. I have no reason to defend her when she has killed so many innocent people._

More than a little overwhelmed, he starts to pace around in a narrow circle just to think about what all of this means, to wrap his head around a whole new reality.

_She's the Massacre Princess. She deserves nothing else. But if this is true, then what caused my amnesia? Her betrayal? All these dead people? That might be it, but… have I only ever been a spy? From the very beginning? I was okay with that?_

_Nothing makes sense anymore._ It feels like he's thinking against a wall, something sudden and insurmountable.

What reason did he have to join the Black Knights in the first place anyway? What exactly made him become a terrorist? He knows he wants change, there's clearly so much misery and injustice in Area Eleven that it's very difficult to be satisfied with the status quo, but becoming a terrorist for that?

His circle becomes narrower with each step. For a selfish moment he wants it all to go away so he can have a little piece of mind for once. So far his life has been a carousel of tiny ups and steep downs with no end in sight. When is it all going to stop and wait for him to catch up? Here he is, wading through the clusterfuck that is his life, and Lelouch only drops bomb after bomb on his head. Doesn't he have enough on his plate already without someone trampling on everything he knows about himself?

He stops his angry pacing and whips around. "Prove it," he says to cut through the nonsense. "Prove that you're Zero." It comes out harsher than he meant to, and if he had felt more like himself, he wouldn't have worded it quite like that. As it is, there's sweat on his forehead and too much saliva in his mouth, and this is way more than he ever wanted to deal with when his memories don't even span a whole week. This is way more than anyone should be expected to deal with, period.

In the silence that follows Suzaku is half-afraid that Lelouch will get angry or even go the 'you don't trust me?' route and that this will turn ugly really fast, but Lelouch does no such thing and instead surprises him once more.

"Very well," he says calmly, and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He's punching in a number, all business, and Suzaku feels his determination crumble. There's an agonizingly drawn-out ringing coming from the phone when Lelouch offers it to him. "Just listen and don't say anything."

Feeling very much like Lelouch is holding a live snake out to him, he gingerly wraps his fingers around it, and after much hesitation presses the warm plastic against his ear. The ringing sounds again, and for a short moment Suzaku hopes that no one will pick up and he can go back to leading a semi-normal life. But then there's a click on the other end of the phone. He holds his breath.

The voice on the other side is unfamiliar and feminine, but most notably: speaking in Japanese.

"Ah, Zero, I didn't expect a call from you this soon after we had that argument yesterday. Have you decided what to do yet? If the Black Knights don't act soon…" She trails off ominously. "Or did you call because of something else?"

Suzaku blinks once, twice, and only listens to the silence on the other end of the line.

"Zero? Are you there? Hello? If this is your idea of a joke, I swear… Zero? Zero!"

The name rings like an echo in his head. He only distantly notices that Lelouch snatches the phone out of his numb fingers before it can fall down. "I'll see you later today, Q 1," he says in flawless Japanese, and then hangs up.

The silence that follows is long and uncomfortable. Some part of Suzaku that isn't shell-shocked can't help but marvel at this whole situation. He has known this person for only two days, but his opinion on Lelouch couldn't possibly have flip-flopped more since he met him. How do you make the jump from creepy stranger to boyfriend and then to terrorist in that short amount of time?

"You're… Zero."

"Finally accepting it?"

Suzaku shakes his head in disbelief, stricken. "And I'm…"

_We're terrorists. We're trying to overthrow Britannia._ _My boyfriend is a killer. I'm a killer. This is happening._

"Yes." Lelouch continues, and then proceeds to drop the other shoe. "Now that you know this, would you like to continue where you left off?"

"W—what?"

"Join me once again, Suzaku. Fight with me for a better future."

By all rights, this question shouldn't even catch him off guard. Nevertheless, Suzaku has an instantaneous kneejerk reflex to shout "no", and only barely reins it in. But some of his conflict must have shown on his face with the way the corners of Lelouch's mouth twitch downwards.

"We're fighting for Japan. There is nothing shameful or horrifying about wanting your own country back."

Suzaku opens his mouth only to close it again. He has no words for this.

Unperturbed by his silence, Lelouch takes a step closer. "Are we in this together?"

And then Lelouch reaches out to clasp his hand. Unlike the handshake they had before, Lelouch just holds his hand there, his pale fingers wrapping awkwardly around his limps ones. _Colder again_, Suzaku thinks absently, and takes note of how their skin tones clash. How different they are.

He swallows, looks up and then back at their linked hands, and still feels so utterly overwhelmed. He appreciates the gesture for what it is, especially considering Lelouch really doesn't strike him as the touchy-feely kind of guy, but Suzaku feels like he needs more than just someone holding his hand through this.

The expression on Lelouch's face does nothing to bridge that gap either. Suzaku is looking now, and from this close he can clearly see that this whole situation is putting a strain on Lelouch, too. With the pinched look on his face comes the realization that this pivotal moment Suzaku's having right now is not affecting just him alone. Lelouch occupies the front row, center seat right next to him.

Now with the faint warmth spreading through his hand— or maybe he's just getting used to the difference in temperature— he realizes that his disbelief is shifting and what was shock and horror at what all this means turned into a different kind of shock and horror, something less black and white, because_ he actually has to think this through_.

And really, in his current frame of mind it's the only answer he can give. "I want more time to think about this."

It's not what Lelouch wants to hear, but he gives a slow nod, and doesn't let go of his hand. "Quite a way to start off your first day of school, isn't it?" He gives a dry, humorless laugh that only manages to underline this awkward impasse of a situation. Suzaku can't think of anything he can say to that, so instead of answering he looks at their hands again.

"Tomorrow?" Lelouch asks, and gives his hand a squeeze.

"Tomorrow," comes the answer out of a tight throat. It shouldn't have been so difficult to pronounce that word, but he feels like he's choking on every syllable.

"You'll make your choice tomorrow," Lelouch repeats, and then lets go of his hand. It falls bonelessly to his side and dangles there, making him conscious of its weight.

"Yeah," Suzaku replies, and the sound feels faint and brittle even to his own ears.

* * *

><p>The way to his apartment is longer somehow, as though the path itself stretched just so Suzaku can be alone with his thoughts for a few more minutes. His thoughts are jumbled together and barely coherent though, and don't offer much in terms of company or solace.<p>

The front door is the same as before. Staring at it in a daze for far too long doesn't change its appearance. But it feels heavier, or maybe it's just that the rest of his body feels weak and sluggish. On top of that, the room inside seems wider and emptier to him than ever before.

When he flicks on the light switch, it, too, feels different. It illuminates the room just fine, but it jars him how fake it is in a way it didn't yesterday. He looks from the Britannian bed to the little table he has and then to the window. It's still bright outside and that fact confuses him for a moment before he switches the light back off. After hesitating for a moment, he switches it on again just to see the difference. On and off again. Watches the shadows change.

But try as he might he can't deny that the air has shifted, and what might have been a humble and plain abode of a soldier-turned-disgraced-knight ceased to be just that and instead became the apartment of a terrorist.

* * *

><p>After crossing the entirety of his apartment and then starting to both move around and think in circles, he decides to put a stop to this. He locates a piece of paper and a pen, and tells himself that he's slightly more ready to think this through now. This won't go away with enough ignoring or wishing it away after all.<p>

The pen is unsteady in his hands, squeaks unpleasantly across the paper, and barely produces a line that counts as straight with the way it curls at the end, but at the moment that is of no consequence. What matters is what he is about to write. The letters are jagged and as imperfect and makeshift as anything else about this, but his little crooked line is now clearly starting at "birth" and ending in "now".

He leans backwards then to take a deep breath. This is something he should have done way sooner just to get some semblance of order into this comedy of errors. But it became pertinent now in a way it hasn't been before.

Hunching over his timeline, determined now with a steady grip on his pen, he tries to fit all the pieces back together. He puts "Euphemia's death" very close to "now", and then writes "started dating Lelouch" next to it on the left. The pen hovers over the piece of paper in midair after that.

Stumped already, he takes in the predominantly white sheet and doesn't bother suppressing a weary sigh. After rubbing his face and wondering at the choices he made in his life, he thinks of a few more things.

He writes "met Lelouch for the first time" very close to the left, and then writes "joined army", "joined Black Knights", "parent's death", and "became Euphemia's knight" outside of his timeline next to a big, bolded question mark. He writes "lie" above Euphemia's name and adds another question mark under "now".

After a few more restless minutes of staring at it, the list still starts at "birth" and ends in "now" and gains very little besides a few more question marks. It stays very much exactly how it started out: mostly white and depressingly blank.

* * *

><p>Later, after his eyes started hurting from staring at the list, he shifts his sorry self over to the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror and face yet another problem. <em>Yeah, that is mine<em> still doesn't come to him when he pinches his cheek, traces the skin over the cartilage of his nose, but now he can't expect it to. The image hasn't changed in any way that is really obvious, but the boy he has come to know over the last few days— molded his perception after— is different now. Maybe the eyes look wearier, maybe the stress is finally shining through, but whatever it is, it doesn't need to be plain to see to affect him.

Even if the visual change might just be in his head, he knows for certain that the cause of this isn't. Not in the way that his whole self-perception fell so far from the way reality painted it that he doesn't feel like himself anymore. The problem isn't so much that a new problem has come to the table, but that it shot everything he knew about Suzaku Kururugi to hell and back.

A few hours ago he had been a soldier who fought for this country. That fact had been axiomatic and defined him. Both as a person and where he stood in life. And if he wants to be honest with himself: it had been evidence that he had been a good person and had actually done something with his life. The person he consciously remembers only stared at hospital walls and couldn't seem to get out of his perpetual funk.

Now that the image of being a knight and a soldier are a lie, he doesn't know what to make of himself. Before, he hadn't been someone who made the goal of his life to cause destruction and to kill for a lofty promise of change. He can't imagine standing behind someone like Zero with that mindset. A black mask, eyes on their goal, a Knightmare standing on the rubble, and no care for the body count? This isn't something he wants to be. Nevertheless it's something he was.

And now Lelouch wants him to take on that role once again.

He rests his elbows on the sink and tells himself that he can do this. This is a decision he has made already in a past life. A life that seems so different from his own that it feels like that person wasn't him at all. But all of that life's thoughts and reasoning are now lost in a damaged record of a memory and left Suzaku only with the aftermath. Still, that was him and it shouldn't change anything about the person in this skin. If he has already decided for himself that this is the right way, then it's nothing he can't do again.

Only his face is hot in his shaking hands.

* * *

><p>After what feels like standing for far too long in his bathroom, he walks back out in no better shape. He's out of it, and if nothing else he's aware enough to realize that.<p>

There's even an envelope wedged under his door, which he hasn't noticed until now. He's apprehensive about opening it because at the moment it just seems to be a matter of what else can go wrong with his life. He's halfway afraid he's getting evicted from his apartment or getting kicked out of his school or his country.

It turns out it's not nearly as damning, but considering his current dilemma, it's nothing positive either. Cécile has left him a training schedule starting tomorrow evening "to test how much you forgot and if we can put you back in the Lancelot soon. Don't worry; it will only be simulations for now. Nothing bad."

Except that it already kind of is. It's a sham now and no euphemism in the world will gloss over the fact that he was spying on these people and using them to play into the hands of a masked ideologist.

He shakes his head and throws the envelope down on his table. At this point he's about fed up with everything and looking for something different to pay attention to in order to hopefully drown out the choir of _terrorist, terrorist_ in his head.

Distraction comes in a plastic wrapper.

He stops and stares at it for a moment. It comes as a surprise that the condom is still lying on the floor like that. Though, considering the state of his mind yesterday, it really isn't all that astonishing that he forgot to put it back into his wallet. Picking it up with a sigh, he fingers the plastic absentmindedly.

He thinks about Lelouch and the way he held his hand just a few hours ago. Then the image of Zero on TV, standing before thousands of people in that ridiculous getup, fingers cutting through the air, voice loud and reaching far, wanting to change everything. He hasn't seen the similarities before, but now that he knows exactly who's in that costume— playing dress-up and savior of the world— he can't deny that he can see Lelouch doing that. It certainly fits the image he has of him.

Suzaku has paid very little attention to Zero before. He was on TV very often, in the news, in that round of political discussion he remembers nothing of, but Suzaku has been distracted by other things to form any opinion on him other than that Zero was the enemy. Suzaku was much more concerned with finding himself again in the way it wasn't portrayed by the media or how he stood so stiffly and so close to the princess. Zero hasn't been centerfold among his worries. In hindsight, he really should have paid more attention to the murderer of Princess Euphemia; the man had directly changed his life after all.

He certainly can't pigeonhole Zero with all the other terrorists anymore. Zero's form has taken on a different shape, shifted so that you now see the light from a different angle, and the whole picture changed. This ceased to be a faceless symbol for terror and revolution.

Now he has to reconcile with himself that this man is his boyfriend.

One thing, and only one thing he is sure of: no matter how this pans out, no matter if he really can live with himself by following that path again, he is not ready to give up that one person that seems to reach out to him and make an effort to stand by his side. To make a constant out of Lelouch's role in his life is, if nothing else, decided after all, even if he has yet to wholly accept everything of what that entails.

Slowly, but with resolution, he puts the condom back in his wallet.

* * *

><p>He dreads going to school for a different reason now. It's worse because this time it's not just a faceless mass judging him that he can easily ignore. This time around it's personal and promising to drag him down no matter what he does. But regardless of how much he wants to, he can't run from this particular problem.<p>

Irrationally, he feels like he now has a sign around his neck that spells out not only 'Eleven' but also 'terrorist'. Even if some people have already equated these two words with each other before, it's much worse now because it has somehow become true.

The student body doesn't treat him any differently, though. They are still wary of either the Eleven or the former knight of the Massacre Princess, or both, and move out of his way.

Shirley and Rivalz greet him when he enters the classroom, and he's relieved to note that he has no trouble smiling back and returning the sentiment, even while he's bogged down by everything else in his life. Friends will do that to you, he supposes. The smile stays on his face until he takes his seat and realizes that they're only so friendly to him because they have no idea. Considering that Lelouch doesn't trust them enough to tell them about their relationship, Suzaku very much doubts that they know anything about who either of them really is. That thought makes it difficult to look up again.

Right now though, he has a more pressing problem. He has avoided looking in Lelouch's direction so far and he's afraid that he's being very obvious about it. He feels immature for doing this, for basically ignoring the elephant in the room and dragging this out for longer than he needs to, but he can't help it and just hopes that Lelouch won't blame him for this. _It's not like I'm avoiding him or anything._

After his books and pens are all neatly lying on his desk, he doesn't have a pretense for appearing busy anymore or for keeping his mind off of things, and he grudgingly concedes to himself that he is in fact avoiding Lelouch. He fiddles with a pen for a few more seconds before he starts calling himself a coward in his head, and finally musters up the courage to turn around.

Lelouch's seat is empty.

He turns back around, chiding himself for making such a fuss about this. There's still plenty of time for Lelouch to show up before the lesson starts, so Suzaku just tries to shake off his nervousness until he arrives. A small part of him is even hideously relieved that he's getting a short reprieve before he has to face Lelouch and make this colossal decision. He feels bad for that, because if that decision weren't hanging above his head, he'd be looking forward to meeting his boyfriend again.

The seat is still empty when the bell rings and the teacher starts the lesson. After a few more minutes of staring a hole into the blackboard and trying to appear like he's actually paying attention, Suzaku can't dispel the first signs of worry.

_Is he sick? He didn't look all that lively yesterday. But maybe that was normal for him?_

Half a period later the voice of the teacher still drones on as Suzaku tells himself that he really doesn't need to turn around to the empty seat every few minutes. When the bell finally rings, he breathes a sigh of relief, and turns to Rivalz to ask him if he knows anything.

Rivalz just shrugs at him, way too calm for Suzaku's taste. "He has a tendency to skip classes to go off gambling. I wouldn't worry if I were you."

"Gambling?" he repeats in confusion, and wonders how that could possibly fit into Lelouch's schedule when he's going off being the leader of the Black Knights.

"Yeah, he's awesome at it, too. I usually go with him, but he hasn't taken me along for quite a while now. It almost feels like he's distancing himself from all of us."

Suzaku can't meet his eyes then in some form of misplaced shame. It really shouldn't come as a surprise that this is an alibi to cover their backs, but he still can't quite shake off the disappointment he feels, even when he can see the necessity behind it.

Rivalz lightly punches his arm. "Hey, cheer up! Lelouch is strange like that sometimes. You're probably worrying about nothing."

He manages a smile and a "yeah" for Rivalz, and sighs as the bell for the second period rings, his eyes straying to the empty seat again.

* * *

><p>As the classes come and go, Suzaku isn't even trying to pay attention anymore, too busy thinking about what to do now that Lelouch's seat will most likely stay vacant for the rest of the day.<p>

He can't even use his own phone to reach him. The useless thing is lying dormant in his pocket and it's just another reminder that he still hasn't taken care of that issue either. He vows to fix that as soon as possible, and just hopes that he still has the information somewhere and that he hasn't changed his pin code. _All these small problems you suddenly have when you can't remember anything…_

He's very close to asking Rivalz or Shirley if they could let him use their phone to check up on Lelouch. It's a weird backwards way to make contact with your own boyfriend, but he feels like he will worry himself into a dark place if this keeps up.

As it is, his previous thoughts of _'is he sick'_ and '_is he really just skipping_ _class' _slowly turn into '_is_ _he avoiding me'_ and stay there to make him feel even worse about this whole situation.

_But why wouldn't he want to face me? The worst thing I could do is… reject him._

He slumps his shoulders at that thought. Would Lelouch see it that way? Even worse: would they be through if Suzaku didn't want to become a Black Knight again? He's sure it would put a strain on their relationship if they had that between them, but would that be the end of them? _Lelouch certainly doesn't want to give that up just like that, right?_

As he thinks this, he realizes that he doesn't even really know _what exactly_ they would be giving up. Suzaku still knows so woefully little about their relationship apart from that they are in one and that they started to date a month ago for one reason or another. He knows nothing about their emotional investment or lack thereof in their relationship, and knows nothing about whether the condom in his wallet is just there as a precaution or if it's something he would have used already by now if this whole memory fiasco hadn't happened. That's actually something Suzaku _really _needs to discuss with Lelouch soon.

Pausing in copying what is on the blackboard, he frowns. _We _are _together now, aren't we? He hasn't really said anything about that besides letting me know. _

So far they haven't done anything that would establish them as a couple in Suzaku's eyes. There was the handholding Lelouch did the day before, but Suzaku feels like that was done more out of providing comfort than something Lelouch did because they're a couple. An "I'm there for you" when Suzaku stared into the abyss.

Suzaku shakes his head at himself when he notices that he has written Lelouch's name instead of copying down what it says on the blackboard. Exasperated, he crosses the name out until it becomes unrecognizable.

He spends the next few minutes thinking about how he shouldn't be thinking about Lelouch anymore.

* * *

><p>Lelouch shows up just in time for the last period.<p>

Hurriedly and without any of his usual grace, he steps into the classroom and makes a beeline to his chair. He doesn't say anything or look at anyone. Suzaku would have greeted him anyway, but Lelouch's whole countenance keeps him in his chair. He looks absolutely tired and exhausted, hunching over his desk, a far cry from the proud figure of the last few days. Suzaku has to look away after a few seconds, unable to shake off the sense of wrongness with that picture.

Throughout the period Suzaku becomes aware of Lelouch just looking at him. It comes as a small comfort that this is a problem they both share. When Suzaku finally looks back at him, Lelouch doesn't avert his eyes, unwaveringly holding his gaze. Suzaku does nothing more than blink at him, but if Lelouch is trying to read the answer in his face, then Suzaku knows he'll only disappoint him.

Eventually Lelouch breaks the staring contest, probably realizing that what he's doing is fruitless. He looks at his hands, and after a second buries his head between his arms. Suzaku looks at his own fingernails then and tries not to feel horrible about this. Lelouch is waiting for him and Suzaku has no words for him, even after thinking about it nonstop since yesterday.

Unlike the rest of the classes, this one goes by way too fast, and they eventually all silently migrate to the Student Council room. Lelouch hurries ahead of their little group, which has both Shirley and Rivalz sharing confused looks. Suzaku can only shrug helplessly at them.

Lelouch takes a seat far away from the rest of them without so much as looking at Millay who in turn only stares at his back in worry. Suzaku is actually a bit surprised that she doesn't try to push Lelouch out of his little corner or roughhouse him into their group again.

The next few minutes are filled with indecision and tense, hushed conversations. The tension is only broken when Arthur bites Suzaku's leg, much to his chagrin.

"Does he have a vendetta against me or something?"

"He loves you!" Millay answers cheerfully, probably grateful to break the silence.

_The feeling is mutual,_ he thinks, and marvels at how even the cat can't give him a break. Wonders at how the things you hold dear tend to hurt you in turn. He pets Arthur once after he successfully dislodged him from his leg, and then ushers him off.

Suzaku jumps when Millay slams a little tower of documents before his nose. "And now we get to the fun part of being in the Student Council: handling everyone's budget!" She laughs as half of the table groans.

For the next hour the room is filled only with the scratching of pens until Shirley looks in his direction, visibly hesitating before opening her mouth. "Say, did I get that right? You lost your memories because of Princess Euphemia's death? Just like that?"

Suzaku manages a wry smile, mentally cringing at the topic. "Sounds too farfetched for you? What can I say? It does sound pretty anti-climatic, yeah." So far he hasn't lied yet and he really hopes the conversation doesn't veer off in a way that makes lying necessary. Logically, he knows that he must have lied to them before, but he wishes to keep the lies to a minimum if he can help it. It's still difficult to accept that he's not the person his friends think he is.

"Are you sure that was the only reason?"

Mentally sighing at her persistence, and how she seems to echo his own thoughts, he tries to find a way of wording it that will satisfy her curiosity. "Well, I far prefer to lose my memories this way than by falling on my head and losing a lot more than just that."

He hopes that is the end of that, but then he sees the scowl on her face and the way she looks down at her hands in what seems to be consternation, and he feels a surge of apprehension. "Do you think there was more?"

She shakes her head and then directs her frown at the stack of bills. "I was just making sure."

"Okay…"

She doesn't say anything more, and Suzaku turns back to his little task. It strikes him how this is just so trivial compared to what is really on his mind. The last thing he wants to do now is figure out a budget plan for some club.

Only a few minutes later he's back to stealing glances at Lelouch again. His boyfriend still looks so weary and lost in thought that Suzaku can't help but feel guilty.

_I'm not rejecting you_.

He barely listens to what Millay says about her being sure that he'll regain his memories soon. Then he barely hears what Rivalz tells him of an upcoming test. They're trying to draw him into their conversation, he feels. He can't tell whether they do this to make him feel integrated in their group again or because they can sense that he's bothered by something. He's trying to make an effort on his own, but he can only feign cheerfulness to a certain degree. Especially when his attention always turns back to the sad figure under the window.

…_would it really be so horrible to join the Black Knights again?_ It can't be worse than this hemming and hawing and wondering if he's making a huge mistake. Maybe he should just talk to Lelouch, and try to make the best of this situation. This stalemate isn't fair to either of them.

Suzaku decides then that he has moped on for long enough now. When Suzaku eventually looks up from his bill, Lelouch is actually looking at him. After a moment of slight surprise, and another moment of internal debate, Suzaku discreetly tugs at his collar. Lelouch's eyes widen for a second, and then he makes a motion with his head that barely constitutes as a nod before looking away again.

Suzaku exhales a shaky breath and turns back to his friends to try to appear like he's actually paying attention and not waiting for Millay to announce that they're done for today.

* * *

><p>Lelouch is the first to leave. He barely says anything when he bags his things and walks out of the door. The rest of the Student Council exchanges another round of worried glances before continuing with some idle chatter.<p>

Suzaku is in no hurry to get up from his chair. It's both because he doesn't want to garner any attention and because he feels some kind of shame over this. Yesterday he had only met up with his boyfriend, but now it has turned into something else entirely, something more sinister and life-changing.

Suzaku sinks into his chair and tells himself it's all right to wait for just a tiny bit longer.

* * *

><p>This time he tells his friends goodbye properly.<p>

But for all his determination, he lingers outside the door for a few moments to actually build up the courage to go to the roof. With the silence of the hallway and his proximity to the door, he starts to become aware of the conversation behind it. He steps away so he doesn't accidentally eavesdrop.

"Do you think it's because of Nunnally that he was so out of it today?"

That sentence roots him to the spot. _Nunnally?_

"Yeah, maybe he just isn't used to not having his sister around. He can be a real worrywart when it comes to her."

"I can understand why he doesn't want his sister to be here after the Black Knights attacked, but I think he could have at least let us seen her off."

"Nevermind letting us call her wherever she's hiding with Miss Sayako."

"Well, I just hope Nunnally is doing well. It's only been a few days, but I miss her already."

There's a pause in the conversation, but Suzaku still can't bring himself to walk away.

"But another thing, shouldn't we tell Suzaku what happened? He seems to have no clue."

"Didn't we discuss that yesterday already? He has enough problems of his own at the moment."

"Hm, I just feel bad about lying to him. About Kallen and Nina…"

Suzaku slowly steps away from the door then, making sure he doesn't make any noise. Mechanically, he sets one foot before the other towards the staircase.

'_Did you know they kidnapped Nunnally?' _he remembers Lelouch saying that. He thought it had been a lie at the time.

Suzaku doesn't blame the Student Council for whatever they are keeping from him. He's sure they have their reasons. And an uglier part of him feels that this dishonesty is only what someone like him deserves. Tit for tat.

* * *

><p>When Suzaku walks through the door and tries to blink the sunlight out of his eyes, Lelouch watches him like a hawk. Suzaku knows why, but the knowledge alone doesn't make it any easier to move towards him. Lelouch still looks exhausted and tired but not absent-minded, and that's already some kind of progress.<p>

Lelouch doesn't break the silence and just waits for Suzaku to take the first step. Unlike the day before, today he'd rather Lelouch stare at the scenery below. Suzaku rubs his face in his hands, trying to remind himself what he's doing here, and takes a deep breath.

"Is it true that the Black Knights attacked Ashford?"

There's slight surprise on his face. "Yes, that is true. In a nutshell, events out of my control forced my hand. But no student was harmed. I made sure of that."

Suzaku can't quite keep the disapproving scowl off his face. "Why Ashford of all places?"

Lelouch gives a hint of a smile at that. "There're many reasons for that. For once, Ashford is a very prestigious institution, and it's familiar ground. But the most important reason is that if I had made a mistake, I would have felt the consequences firsthand. Don't think I don't know what it means to make sacrifices for the greater good."

Suzaku is not entirely sure what to make of that. It certainly puts a new perspective on how Lelouch thinks. After thinking for a moment, he continues with a different question. "Your sister, Nunnally, is it true that she's been kidnapped?"

Lelouch doesn't have an overt reaction to his question, but his shoulders square, and something shifts so his expression hardens. "Yes."

Suzaku guesses that he already knows what Lelouch is going to retort to his next question, but he would still like to hear it from Lelouch himself. "You told the Student Council something else."

"Of course I did. The truth would only make them worry. Even if I told them, they wouldn't be able to help me."

Suzaku thinks he probably would have done the same thing and nods along with the explanation. "And you told me because I could help you?" he adds, not really expecting anything.

There's a flash in his eyes then. "I told you because you're my boyfriend."

Suzaku has to look away at that. With his next question he tries to steer the conversation in a direction that doesn't make his stomach clench. "Why has she been kidnapped?"

Lelouch barks a short, humorless laugh. "What do you think? To get at Zero, of course."

"Do you know who kidnapped her?"

"Zero has many enemies." He shakes his head. "I'll get her back. Once I find out where she is, I'll get her back with the help of the Black Knights. Will you be one of them and help me?"

And it's the moment of truth. He swallows heavily before he tries to cobble his answer together. Even if he still isn't sure how to decide, he knows one thing for certain:

"I refuse to kill civilians."

Something in Lelouch's face slams shut, and Suzaku wants to kick himself for starting this way. He hastens to add, "I… that is… as long as I don't have to kill innocent people…" He feels so clumsy with his words and just hopes that Lelouch understands. "Look, I want to help you."

Suzaku clears his suddenly way too dry throat. "But it's… I don't, being a terrorist would be…" Shakes his head just to get that damn sentence out. "It's just, the method is… I don't think I agree with this course of action. I don't think I could…"

Lelouch has a tiny little smile on his face that has a sad edge to it, and when he opens his mouth he sounds just slightly breathless. "We had a similar discussion like this before. " He sighs, and shrugs. "You always put so much importance on method and refuse to see the results for what they are. Can't you see that what I'm doing is for the greater good? If you always follow the rules to the dot, then you won't accomplish anything in this world. Sometimes you have to break the rules to do the right thing."

_Of course Zero would say that,_ Suzaku thinks, and can't quite warm up to that thought.

Lelouch sighs, more impatient this time. "Indulge me for a second. Let's just take a hypothetical scenario. Something more tangible, so it's easier to understand. Morals and ethics tend to be tediously abstract without an example." He makes a dismissive hand motion that distracts Suzaku for a second. "Say, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place and the life of another person is on the line. You have to deceive someone, tell lies to save that person. Don't you think it's the right thing to do in that case and save that person's life? Not to play by the rules for once?"

He shuffles his feet, thinks _Nunnally_, and wonders why Lelouch would word it quite like that, or why it has suddenly become a hypothetical scenario. "In that case, yes, if there's no other way…"

Excited now in a way Suzaku hasn't seen before, Lelouch leans forward. "So you agree!" He nods to himself, and looks at Suzaku with an intent, almost eager expression. "But say, what about having to tell an extensive, enormous lie? One that might warp one person's entire life?"

Suzaku shakes his head, feeling lost again. "But, Lelouch, this isn't about telling a lie. You can't compare being a terrorist to just telling a lie. Terrorists cause death and destruction and… this is so much more than telling a lie to save one person."

There is that inscrutable expression on Lelouch's face again that Suzaku has seen quite often on his face by now. "Of course," Lelouch eventually says, barely loud enough to carry the distance between them.

Lelouch clears his throat before continuing. "You said you don't want to kill innocent people. Doesn't that conflict with you being a soldier already?"

_How can Lelouch even equate that? _"I wouldn't be killing _innocent _people. Even then, there's a big difference between fighting something and fighting to protect something. I'd be fighting against my own country." And that makes all the difference.

For his answer he gets a sad, almost belittling look. "Your country is Japan."

Irritated and trying very hard to tell himself he's not angry, Suzaku makes a widespread motion with his hand, encompassing the air around them. "This here is my country, regardless of what it's currently called. And as it is, Charles zi Britannia reigns over it."

Lelouch's expression briefly turns furious to the point that Suzaku is convinced that he hit a nerve. It's gone after a few tense seconds, and Lelouch just shakes his head, calm again.

"I'm not fighting against this country. And you fought by my side _for_ your own country. For the people who deserve to live here and not face hatred as second-rate citizen. Isn't fighting for their justice more morally acceptable than being a soldier of this draconian regime and fighting anyone who stands in your way? If things had gone differently, Japan might have won the war and you'd be saluting someone else. Does it really matter so much to you if one is more legitimate by chance?"

Suzaku sighs, and resigns himself to the fact that they will probably never agree on this. "That doesn't change the fact that it's the way it is. Their actions are legitimate while Zero kills to make his way through."

"Is that your only problem then? You're only objecting to getting innocent people killed? Then, if we removed that hang-up, there'd be nothing to hold you back, right? What if I promise that you don't have to kill anyone, will you join the Black Knights again?"

Suzaku shuffles his feet, ignores the way his stomach feels, and manages to be brave enough to face Lelouch.

"I… I…," and he breaks off again.

Lelouch gives him another sad look. "Can't you see what I'm trying to do? I only want to create a brighter future for everyone. Are we in this together?"

He thinks, _boyfriend_, thinks,_ fighting for change and not hurting anyone_, and finally thinks _I have made this decision before,_ and hesitantly— all the while feeling the magnitude of this— begins to nod.

Lelouch closes his eyes then. He's starting to smile, and even if Suzaku feels just slightly like he just made a promise with the devil, it's a nice reward in and of itself. He'd like to see Lelouch smile more often, although he'd rather not lose half of his mind again next time.

"Welcome back."

That deserves a smile all on its own, the first genuine one of the day even. _That's it, for better or for worse. Don't make me regret it._

Even with that headache of a decision behind him, Lelouch still doesn't seem to give him a break. "Do you want to go right now?"

"Wha— you mean… to the Black Knights?"

"Yes, if you're up for it."

"Right now?"

"Do you have more pressing things to do?"

Suzaku bites his lip, and thinks about his useless cell phone, his bankcard, and that he has to be somewhere later today. Reminds himself that everything would be an excuse, and he'd just twiddle his thumbs in his empty apartment until he grew a pair and faced what he has to face anyway.

"Okay," he says, and straightens his spine.

Lelouch gives him a satisfied nod before looking him up and down. "You might want to change your clothes before we go."

Bemused, Suzaku looks down at himself only to see the black Ashford Uniform. It's probably not the best thing to wear when you're about to meet up with Japanese terrorists that only see the golden lapels before they see the boy underneath. Even if he is a spy.

"I will change my clothes, too. We'll meet up by the docks, okay?"

"Okay," Suzaku says again, trying to sound as sure of this as he wants to be.

* * *

><p>After a few more instructions, the way back to his apartment becomes a blur. A part of Suzaku almost wants to believe that this is another test, that Lelouch actually gave him an opportunity to change his mind and hightail it out of here. Then he remembers the relief on Lelouch's face, and Suzaku thinks he's giving Lelouch too much credit in that regard.<p>

Nervous energy makes him walk faster, and he stands in front of his door before he knows it. While picking up the blue overcoat he has seen before, he wonders how far Lelouch has to walk, if he lives close by, if he lives in the dormitories or together with his parents.

If his parents know that they're dating.

But that and any form of tête-à-tête with Lelouch that will help Suzaku shed some light on all the questions he still has will have to happen on a later date. Today, he'll only try to fit into the mold again.

He has to wait for a little bit at their meeting spot, but all too soon Zero's shape appears in the shade of a building. It's surreal to see him in real life when he has before only been a faraway vision on celluloid. As much as Suzaku thinks the costume is ridiculous, seeing it up close is striking in its own way. Not unlike a fully covered motorcyclist, every patch of skin is covered up by either fabric, plastic or opaque glass. Mysterious, but now that Suzaku knows the face under the mask, it has lost most of its quixotic properties.

Still, that doesn't change the fact that this is the most wanted terrorist in the world.

_I wanted this. This is the path I chose._

Wordlessly, Zero moves forward then and Suzaku—

Suzaku follows.

* * *

><p>They enter what appears to be a storehouse, and Suzaku feels his steps slow, eyes flickering around to take in everything. It's imposing in the same way Ashford was on his first day of school, but this means so much more than just mingling with other students and sitting in front of a blackboard while trying to feign interest.<p>

"We're here," Zero says after a prolonged stretch of silence, voice coming metallic out of the mask, slightly distorted, but still clear enough to understand. Suzaku follows where the mask seems to point.

It's a transporter. Nothing fancy about it, nothing to set it apart from any other transporter, and even if Suzaku can see the logic in that, he can't help but feel like he has expected something more, something venerable or at least something actually worth to note.

"That?" he asks, and points at it in disbelief. "_That's_ Zero's base?"

_Aren't villains supposed to have more spectacular hideouts? I would have expected—_

_Villains_, he thinks again with a frown, and shakes his head. He sets out to never think that word again.

"We also have a submarine," Lelouch says to him, just slightly indignant, and Suzaku shrugs apologetically at him. It's a big transporter. That, Suzaku concedes.

"Wait here for a moment. Some of them don't know that you lost your memories yet."

"Okay," Suzaku says readily, still eyeballing the transporter. When he realizes what Lelouch just said, he whips around towards him. "Wait, do I really need to stand here while you—" But Zero has already disappeared behind the door. Suzaku can only huff after him in exasperation.

He feels awkward, standing here when Lelouch is in there, giving everyone a warning what to expect from him. Suzaku can only look so long at metal and shadows until he starts to get antsy. _How long does it take to announce that I lost my memories anyway? I've been standing here forever._

He's brought out of his musings when he hears voices from behind the door coupled with loud steps. The door flies open then, and a _very angry-looking_ woman storms out. Her movements are hasty and hostile as though she can't bear to be in the transporter anymore, and when she spots him, her whole body seems to freeze and her features even into a blank, unblinking stare. Zero rushes out the door behind her.

"Ka—"

"Q 1!" she snaps back at Zero, and then turns around to direct an intense stare at Suzaku. He recognizes her voice immediately— she is the woman on the phone from the day before. Her face looks familiar, too, even if the dark room makes it difficult to make out her exact features or hair color.

Even while taking in her appearances, he is thoroughly intimidated, and concentrates on not looking lower than her face. She makes a step towards him, and he braces himself, body tense.

"Do you know who I am?" she asks, and actually sneers at him.

He looks at her in confusion. "Didn't Zero tell you that I…?" He chances a glance over her shoulder, but Zero just looks in her general direction, just as frozen to the spot as Suzaku himself feels. Suzaku turns back to her and tries to stand his ground when instead he really wants to take a step backwards.

"No, sorry, I forgot everything. And I didn't even remember that I had been one of the Black Knights. Zero had to tell me everything again."

She doesn't say anything for a long time, mouth curling downwards, before she turns to Zero. She's shaking when she speaks. "Of all the stupid and rash things you could have done—"

"I know," Zero interrupts her, "we should have never let it get that far. But no one could have foreseen that Suzaku would lose his memories. A lot of things wouldn't have happened if we had known Euphemia would turn on us."

She doesn't shake anymore when she answers, but her tone lost nothing of its intensity. "We're so not done talking about this." And then she turns around, stalking out of the storehouse without looking back.

Suzaku doesn't dare speak until he's sure she's out of earshot. "What was that all about?"

Zero sighs, and Suzaku can tell that he's just as relieved that this situation ended as mildly as it did. "She was just angry at me. Don't worry about it."

"It almost felt like she was angry at me, too." He rolls his shoulders to get some of the tension out.

"She was worried about you. She just has a questionable way of showing it."

"Are you sure about that?" Suzaku is pretty sure that the way she looked at him wasn't borne out of concern, not to mention the sneering.

"You two are my best pilots. It's only natural that she would become upset about this happening to her comrade."

Suzaku notes the compliment, but focuses on something else. "Does that mean she and I are friends?"

Zero makes a little sound as if snorting under the mask. Then he definitely gives a short laugh before answering. "Possibly? You should ask her herself."

"You don't know?" he asks in confusion.

Zero tilts his head before answering. "Wouldn't it be more fun to find out for yourself? What I can tell you is that you two have a little rivalry going on."

"Some friendly competition?" Suzaku asks again, because he has a feeling Lelouch is humoring him for whatever reason.

Zero waves his question off, and instead holds the door open for him. "You can get reacquainted with Q 1 later. Come in."

Suzaku takes a deep breath, and then walks up to stand next to Zero, preparing himself to take a step into an aspect of his life that he had lost before. And as long as he speaks only for the person underneath the garb, then he can't think of anyone else he'd rather stand next to.

* * *

><p>End of chapter 3<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment, and serves no other purpose.

Summary: This is what Suzaku wakes up to: a white ceiling, a dead princess, and no memories whatsoever. At rock bottom, he's trying to piece his life back together. And then there is this Lelouch guy who claims to be his boyfriend.

Warning(s) for this chapter: strong language

Notes:

1. A big thank you to everyone who reviewed this story, or otherwise let me know that they liked what they read! And a huge thank you to my beta, **Muckraker**! I don't know where this story would be without her.  
>2. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible at updating. I'm also sorry that I barely replied to anyone who wrote me a review. I had a hard time with life until just a month ago.<br>3. This is still what I consider "exposition land". It's a big land, but we're slowly getting the ball rolling out of them hills and meadows.  
>4. I'm now very sure this story will exceed 100k words at one sky is the only limit. (Considering that this is practically my first fanfic, that's kind of a scary thought.)<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Blank Slate<strong>

Chapter 4 (March, 25th 2012)

* * *

><p>It looks <em>cozy<em>, of all things. There's a little sitting niche in the corner, comfy-looking upholstery, gold and purple everywhere. Cozy. It's such a homey and almost domestic setting that Suzaku hovers in the entrance for a few seconds. It clashes not only with the view from outside, but it underlines just how wrong Suzaku's mental image of the Black Knights is. The word "terrorist" alone seemed to have set him up for different expectations, something a lot more twisted and rooted in Britannian prejudices than this group of people probably deserves. Then again, they _do_ kill and cause terror, which is something Suzaku cannot—

He chose all of this. He needs to remind himself of that.

After he's done inspecting the interior, he turns to face everyone. That too is surprising, as there are barely any people here. Gone are his expectations of facing an army of faceless warriors or… something that would befit the most dangerous terrorist in the world, instead of something that could fit in a classroom.

Suzaku almost wants to ask Lelouch if that is all there is to it, but he's nervous and he already has an audience. No one says anything. Even worse, no one seems to be thrilled to see him, just like the woman he encountered a moment ago. But unlike the woman from outside, everyone in this room wears a mask. Suzaku can only see the lower halves of their faces, with their mouths forming a little row of upside-down u's.

There's only one person who isn't masked, and he stands out even more because his face is somewhat friendly. Suzaku's eyes keep returning to him, if only because it's someone he can actually look in the eye.

It's a tense silence. He all but feels that he's standing in the limelight and everyone can tell that he's forgotten his lines. Suzaku wishes it would make them wonder why they would shine a light on him in the first place, but he also knows that watching a train wreck in the making has an appeal all on its own. And for all intents and purposes, he's kind of the guest of honor.

So he stands ramrod-straight before them, arms at his side, and before he can overthink it too much, bows low and recites a polite Japanese greeting. He says the words clearly and slowly, trying not to stumble over the kenjougo in his nervousness. When he eases out of his bow, any last expectations of a warm welcome leave him.

No one greets him back. They still stand in their little row, indecisive, watching him. The whole room is oppressive and uncomfortable, and as apprehensive he was about this, facing opposition in the Black Knights was one thing that really blindsided him.

It could have been straight out of a nightmare, really. He has been standing in this room for barely a minute, but he can already feel that he doesn't belong here. With the way everyone is looking at him, he doesn't even feel like an outsider— he feels like the enemy. It's distrust or something similar. Suzaku is afraid to pinpoint it exactly or call it something even more worrying, but it's undeniably here and casting a shadow over him.

Finally, Zero moves with confident steps to stand directly between the Black Knights and Suzaku—acting almost like a shield or a buffer— altogether giving off the impression that he owns this place. _He does_, Suzaku reminds himself, and that frees him of some of the tension he feels.

Zero makes a series of gestures with his hands, at last motioning towards Suzaku as if presenting him with a grand overture and a voilà thrown somewhere in there. Suzaku has little appreciation for theatrics, but if it serves to distract the Black Knights from him, then he's all for it.

Zero starts to speak. His voice is strong and loud, his Japanese impeccable, his gestures melodramatic but also enticing. Suzaku would have appreciated the whole spectacle more if it hadn't been for his rapidly beating heart and the unwelcoming gazes of the Black Knights. He barely pays attention, and just hopes that this will go over without a hitch.

It's a good speech from what Suzaku can make out. The message itself is something bland and generic, beating Britannia, getting our country back, et cetera, but many speeches aren't powerful for their content— it's how they're delivered. Zero is an expert in that regard, and Suzaku has no problem seeing how he could sway a large part of this nation with that alone.

When his strings of words finally end, it's the same as before. If Lelouch hoped that they would warm up to Suzaku after a few choice words of praise and a promise to finally defeat Britannia, then he was mistaken. He doesn't even get a round of perfunctory applause. Zero turns around then to look in his direction. Suzaku isn't sure he can accurately read his body language already to tell if he's unsettled too, but in this case it doesn't take much to make that claim.

"Are you ready to fight at our side once again?" Zero asks him, making a grand gesture in Suzaku's direction, as though brandishing him.

"I am," he says surely and without hesitation, well-aware of his audience.

But there is still no change, even after blowing all of that hot air.

_This was a mistake, _Suzaku thinks before he can stop himself.

Getting more and more unsettled, his eyes keep flickering from Zero to the one unmasked man and then back to the unanimously displeased-looking black mass. This is starting to become a farce, and Suzaku wants nothing more than for something or someone to break the tension.

For once, his life doesn't actually become worse. "Welcome back," someone finally says, and it seems to have broken the tension as it's repeated a few times. It's not much, and it's far less than he expected, but after all this, Suzaku will gladly accept every olive branch he can get. "Thank you," he says, still speaking in respectful Japanese, and trying not to let his relief show too much.

Zero breathes a quiet, tinny-sounding sigh. "Good, that will be all."

A little murmur goes through the Black Knights, but they don't move to follow that order, probably just as surprised as Suzaku that that's all there is to this caricature of a reunion.

Zero's hand twitches. "Dismissed," booms through the room, and that seems to break the spell as everyone moves to filter out of the transporter. Suzaku is unsure whether that was directed at him as well, but Zero gives him a clear signal by blocking his path with an outstretched arm. "We still have things to discuss."

One of the Black Knights approaches them. "Zero, a word with you. In private."

Zero makes an annoyed sound under his mask, and motions for Suzaku to take a seat. "Wait here for a bit. It won't take too long," he says, directing the last sentence to the other man.

Suzaku watches him walk off with unease. He decides against sitting down for now. Nervous energy makes him too jittery, so he just idly looks around the room a bit more, and watches the rest of the Black Knights exit. The one unmasked guy lingers behind, and after a few more seconds it becomes clear that he is waiting for everyone else to leave so he can talk to Suzaku alone.

Considering how everyone reacted to him so far, Suzaku isn't all that thrilled to talk to anyone here. Besides, Suzaku really wants to cup his own face and groan really loudly, because this whole meeting was a borderline train wreck, but he'd rather not do it where someone could watch him.

Once the last person has left, the man approaches Suzaku, appraising him overtly. "You look much different without your uniform."

Suzaku fingers the collar of his jacket and suffers a short, but hopelessly confused moment of thinking _which one?_ before he catches himself. "I guess," he eventually answers. Suzaku really doesn't want to come off as cross, but the man is kind of making him uncomfortable with the way he's staring at him.

"Did you know that that would happen?"

The man's face hasn't changed, but now there's a predatory quality to it that Suzaku didn't notice before. He's painfully reminded of how Lelouch looked when he asked all those questions on their first meeting. It's the exact same expression. "What do you mean?" Suzaku asks warily.

"I wonder," the man says languidly, walking around Suzaku to eyeball him from all sides. Whether he does it on purpose or not, he's doing a very good job of intimidating Suzaku. "Did the knight know what his princess would do?"

And all of Suzaku's goodwill evaporates.

_Not again._

"I had no idea what she would do."

If possible, the man's interest actually seems to intensify. "But don't you suffer from amnesia? Do you actually know that? Maybe you did know."

Suzaku bites his lip in frustration. "I could not possibly have known. I would definitely have done something if I had known."

"Were there signs of her madness? There must have been something," he continues, completely ignoring the futility of asking Suzaku such a question.

Suzaku barely keeps himself from scowling. Stone-faced, he stands his ground. "I said I don't know."

At that the man nods to himself with a self-satisfied smirk. "That's awfully convenient, this whole amnesia thing. You can just say that over and over again and hide behind that ignorance."

Suzaku is starting to get genuinely angry, but in that moment Zero reappears at his side. "Enough. He doesn't know anything."

The man rubs his hands, and turns to Zero. _Smarmy guy_, Suzaku thinks, and wonders how he could have ever thought that that was a friendly face.

"Ah, but Zero, I'm only echoing what everyone else thinks. Rumors run rampant at the moment." He looks back at Suzaku. "You're lucky that capturing a big part of the Black Knights has been the newest rage, and that the Massacre Princess isn't on the forefront of everyone's mind at the moment. Otherwise you might very well be in the crossfire. And I assure you, Britannia loves looking for a scapegoat, especially one who has such a flimsy alibi as amnesia."

Suzaku's mouth falls open only to shut again when nothing comes out. _Don't,_ he thinks feebly, not really knowing whom he is addressing.

Mercifully, Zero once again answers for him. "Ried, that is quite enough."

The man called Ried ignores him. "The general public has always been suspicious of you. One side already thinks that you're a traitor. It won't take much for the other side to believe the same thing. And let me tell you, that side matters much, much more."

"I thought I gave you an order," Zero barks, and points at the door.

Ried oh so slowly turns to look at him with that ubiquitous smirk not diminishing in the slightest. "Of course, Zero." And with these words he finally slinks off.

Silence again.

Suzaku looks down, lost and confused. _What did I do?_

He's stuck in a limbo of needing answers and not wanting to know, unable to look at Zero. The silence stretches on until Zero makes an abrupt gesture for Suzaku to take a seat. "Wait for a minute," he says in a low tone, and then goes after Ried.

The door falls shut, but Suzaku barely hears it. He's thinking and rubbing his arm and looking around without taking anything in.

_I don't belong anywhere._

* * *

><p>"Did I do something wrong?" Suzaku asks when Lelouch reemerges.<p>

"Don't worry about it," he answers, still tense.

Suzaku's heart sinks when he realizes that that isn't a "no" at all. He's also painfully reminded of the fact that Lelouch didn't trust him at the time in the hospital either. Back then Lelouch said that they had an argument. _Does that tie into this?_ "Was there something I did that everyone would doubt my loyalty?"

"I said, don't worry about it," Lelouch snaps back.

_He's trying to dodge my question._ "If you're trying to spare my feelings—"

Lelouch makes an impatient swipe with his hand. "Look, we're all on edge at the moment." He starts to pace.

"That doesn't explain why—"

Lelouch makes an angry sound, but he answers. "I didn't make the best of decisions when I learned that Nunnally has been kidnapped. I didn't think rationally. They have questioned my leadership since then."

"That's understandable."

Suzaku lets him pace around to work off the agitation. He can sympathize; he has half a mind to join Lelouch just to get rid of his adrenaline, but he already feels like an idiot without doing that. Still, Lelouch has yet to answer his question.

"But that doesn't explain why they were so wary of _me_. What you did had nothing to do with me, right?"

Lelouch takes his sweet time in answering, still pacing. When he does, he's much calmer, for which Suzaku is grateful. "We both made very bad decisions in retrospect. Euphemia's death changed a lot of things."

Lelouch finally stops his pacing to sit down in the little niche. Suzaku wonders if he should do that as well, but he still feels a bit too jittery to sit down, so he just stands there awkwardly, and shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

Lelouch leans against the teal-colored backseat, mask pointing upwards. "In your case, there was always some amount of doubt involved when it came to your alliance. It's the inherent dilemma all spies share: at one point you always wonder if they're a double agent. We didn't plan on you becoming a knight, and when that opportunity presented itself, many thought that's what you'd rather be." The mask turns around to look straight at him. "You fit right into the role of being her knight."

Suzaku stares back, and for the life of him, he has no idea if Lelouch just gave him a compliment or if there was reproach in there after all. The mask certainly gives nothing away. And if there is a "you don't really belong here" between the lines after all, then Suzaku won't even disagree with it.

Lelouch continues, "Now many think you would prefer to be Britannia's lapdog over fighting for your rights. We both know better, but that doesn't do anything for your credibility. Your amnesia isn't helping either, as many think it's your alibi to get out." He shakes his head. "But don't let that get to you. You'll prove yourself to them soon enough. Once you remind them that you're one of us, they'll trust you again."

"Okay." Suzaku is not quite happy with that answer, but that's not Lelouch's fault. It's sobering and unpleasant that he has to face opposition here, too. Not only does Suzaku keep finding unexpected things in his life, the farther he digs, the worse it seems to get. "You could've warned me, though."

"I thought they would be more accommodating. My mistake."

Suzaku hums in response. If this really is just a matter of needing to prove himself, then he is determined not to disappoint. In a strange way that has nothing to do with being a terrorist but with being part of a group, he's determined to show them that he's one of them.

There's a lull in the conversation, and Suzaku realizes that they have those quite often, even though it's really not for a lack of topics to talk about. Suzaku decides to ask the first thing that comes to mind. "Say, what was that with a part of the Black Knights being captured?"

Lelouch gives a loud sigh. "How did you miss that? Did you watch the news at all in the last few days?"

Suzaku scratches his head in embarrassment. Considering that he did almost nothing else for a day or so, it's kind of inexplicable that it just slipped past him. "I did. I… well, there was a lot on my mind."

Lelouch chuckles lightly. "You're hopeless," he says, exasperated but not unkind. "A big part of the Black Knights has been captured. Among them are people I can't do without. Not only that, but I can't abandon them like that. I plan to rescue them soon."

He leans forward with his elbows resting on the table and his hands cupping on his chin. "A lot of things are happening right now. The Massacre Princess left her mark, Governor Cornelia li Britannia is missing, I lost a lot of my men, and to the world it very much looks like Zero is retreating to lick his wounds." He makes a short pause to sigh deeply. "A lot of things happened that I could have never foreseen. Nunnally getting kidnapped, you losing your memories…"

Suzaku starts fiddling with his sleeve. "I hope me losing my memories didn't throw that much of a wrench into your plans?"

"Hm, I wonder. It certainly has changed a few things," Lelouch only says.

Suzaku is glad that Lelouch doesn't blame him for it at least. "Do you have any idea how to get Nunnally back? I assume they didn't ask for a ransom."

Lelouch shakes his head, managing to look as weak and sad as he did earlier today before Suzaku made his decision. "We don't know where they are holding her. I can't plan anything as long as I have no idea where she is being held."

He shakes his head once more, making himself even smaller. "I'm not sure what to do at the moment. If I make a move to save the Black Knights first, they might harm Nunnally. I cannot risk that. Which means I'll have to rescue her first." The mask inclines his way. "Can you understand that?"

"Of course."

Lelouch nods, satisfied. Suzaku has no idea how Lelouch could have expected anything different from him, but maybe Lelouch just wanted some affirmation. The rest of the Black Knights might not see it that way, seeing as it's their comrades' lives against the life of one girl. Lelouch is both in the position of being their leader and being a worried brother.

He continues, "I'm pretty sure they will schedule a public execution once we attempt to rescue her, and I'll have to move quickly after that. It will be difficult, but I can't see any other way."

He pauses, and then looks at a few documents lying on the table. He begins to shuffle them around, and after a few seconds it becomes apparent that he's doing it aimlessly. Suzaku stays silent. At this point he can only make superfluous placations, and he's sure that Lelouch wouldn't appreciate that.

This goes on for a few moments before Lelouch speaks again. "I know he's toying with me. And he knows who I am. He doesn't think I'm a big enough threat and that will be his downfall. I will prove him wrong, once and for all."

_Did I miss something? _"He?"

Lelouch shakes his head, shrugging. "I assume the kidnapper is a he. But regardless, whoever kidnapped her knew they took Zero's sister. She's safe for now only by virtue of being a bargaining chip. As such she'll be much more valuable alive than dead."

Suzaku stares at him for a few seconds. "That's… morbid."

"It's my only source of comfort."

Suzaku swallows hard. He can't imagine that he would be so calm and rational if he ever lost a family member. He has no one like that to speak of anymore, but he likes to think that he can still empathize.

"While I don't know who exactly kidnapped Nunnally, I have a hunch that we need to be ready to face something big. The royal family might even be involved. Could you handle that? Openly going against Britannia if it comes down to that?"

Suzaku doesn't need to think twice about that. "There is nothing justified about kidnapping."

Lelouch gives a laugh that comes out metallic and distorted. "Your sense of justice is very opportunistic."

_That's not true_, Suzaku thinks resolutely, but Lelouch continues before he can voice his protests. "I'm glad you see it that way. Nunnally has nothing to do with Zero and has no idea that it's me." He pulls out a laptop from under the table, and boots it up. "I'm very glad you're helping me through this."

"Of course," Suzaku says. "I would have helped you with getting Nunnally back no matter what."

Lelouch slowly turns towards him. "This decision was difficult for you," he states quietly.

"Yes," Suzaku retorts readily. He doesn't even see the need to mention that. After all, Lelouch saw his hesitation from up close, literally held his hand through it in fact. But since they are talking about it, Suzaku thinks he deserves to ask him the same question. "Was it difficult for _you_?"

"No."

Suzaku can't help but snort in amusement. _Thought so._ It dovetails nicely with everything he has seen of Lelouch so far: from his unwavering intent in the hospital to the far away image of the masked man who chose to take a stand when no one else would. Suzaku supposes it's not too difficult to stand behind someone like this.

Lelouch begins to click away on his laptop, and then clears his throat. "When do you think you will be able to pilot a Knightmare again? I need to know that."

Suzaku completely forgot about telling Lelouch that. "Ah, actually they'll make me go through a simulation first. They want to test how much I forgot about piloting a Knightmare before they let me into the Lancelot again."

"That's sensible," he says without looking up.

"The test run is actually later today, come to think of it. But I still have a bit of time until then."

"And you think that will go without a hitch?"

Suzaku finally decides to sit down next to him. He isn't nosy enough to lean over and try to read what Lelouch is writing, but the temptation to do so is still strong. "I hope so. The doctors said that only my memories are gone. Abilities and such should still be as they were before. I'm probably rusty, but I'm not all that worried about it." _There are a lot of things that I'm much more worried about than that._

Lelouch stops typing, and finally turns around. It's one of these silent few seconds in which Lelouch waits a bit to announce something important. Suzaku is starting to dread these. "Are you ready for your first mission?"

There is a little moment of surprise before he realizes what Lelouch meant. "Oh, you mean making sure that I get back to piloting the Lancelot as soon as possible? Gotcha."

He slowly shakes his head. "No, no. On the contrary, actually. I want you to have problems with it."

Stunned, Suzaku looks at him in confusion. "What?"

"I don't want you to pilot the Lancelot yet. I want you to have problems with the simulation. If you don't have any problems, pretend that you do."

"Why?" he asks, and tries not to let his incredulity show.

"Don't you see? With the Lancelot out of commission for the time being, I'll have fewer things to worry about. Rescuing either the Black Knights or Nunnally will be much easier that way. Your amnesia is one of the best excuses we could possibly get."

Suzaku stares hard at the mask. "You'd rather have me out of your hair."

"I want the _Lancelot _out of my hair for now. This has nothing to do with you. What would we do if we tried to rescue Nunnally and you had to come fight against us in the Lancelot? We wouldn't be able to do anything without hurting your credibility as a spy or risk getting captured. If you can't pilot the Lancelot yet, you can safely fight on our side without needing to worry about anything else."

Suzaku tries to think of a way to convince Lelouch otherwise, but he can't come up with anything. He slumps in his chair and wills himself not to sulk.

"You'll have a lot of opportunities to shine soon enough," Lelouch says unhelpfully.

"I just thought…" He had been really looking forward to that since he found out that he piloted Knightmares. _Yet another thing to be disappointed about._

"Look at it this way: you might not be able to pilot the Lancelot soon, but you can pilot one of ours."

"I guess."

"Just make sure they don't think you're fit to pilot a Knightmare yet. Maybe you don't even have to pretend you have trouble."

Suzaku sighs, but mutters an "understood" anyway. Lelouch's nod of approval only lifts his mood slightly. It would have been a better reward if he could actually see Lelouch's face while he does it. Him wearing the mask has bothered Suzaku for a while now.

"Could you take off your mask?"

Thankfully, Lelouch does so readily. "You don't like it?" He holds it out to Suzaku. "I designed it myself. The whole costume, actually."

Suzaku only takes the mask from him because he doesn't want to be contrary. The thing rubs him the wrong way somehow, even if he can't quite put his finger on why. And while the reason for that is nebulous and out of reach, his dislike for the garment is still very real and difficult to switch off. _Maybe it's all that purple._

There's a golden "V" embossed in it under the convex shaped glass. Its meaning is completely lost on Suzaku, but he can't deny that it looks good on the otherwise dark material. Turning the mask in his hands, he gives it a thorough look now that he has the opportunity to see it up close. He has never really given it a chance, he realizes. Before, Black Knights inherently equaled bad, and that alone narrowed his view. In a sense, he's seeing the mask for the first time. The whole thing looks like it was made by a professional, and although Suzaku has a few misgivings about the overall choice of design and color, that fine level of craftsmanship alone deserves his honesty.

"It's very well-made." He lightly taps his fingernail against the plastic, and watches the distorted reflection in the glass with interest.

Lelouch looks very smug after that comment, almost preening. So smug in fact that Suzaku wants to tease him a bit.

"But it looks ridiculous."

Lelouch shakes his head gently at him. "Of course you'd say that. And no, it looks _distinct_. Even if you think it looks ridiculous, it still serves its purpose. My identity remains anonymous, and everyone else has something to look at and remember for life."

"Because it's so ridiculous."

Lelouch takes the mask back from him, still looking amused. He doesn't put it back on though, and that's a small victory in Suzaku's book. "You are a cretin," Lelouch says genially and without a hint of malice. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Says the guy who goes out in public in purple pajamas."

Lelouch smirks and holds up his finger in veto. "It's not nearly as bad as your pilot suit."

Suzaku's own smirk slides right off his face. "Don't remind me."

Lelouch chuckles at that, and turns back to his notebook.

"Is it really that bad?" Suzaku is only halfway serious and mostly just wants to keep up the comfortable atmosphere.

"You will see it soon enough for yourself," Lelouch answers. "If it helps, I don't think you minded it all that much before." And that's the end of that particular topic.

Suzaku likes this. They both aren't on edge anymore, and this turned really comfortable despite the rough reunion with the Black Knights just a few minutes ago. Suzaku can't even remember seeing Lelouch so relaxed. If it's always that way, then Suzaku has no reason to dread any of this.

It's the perfect time, he decides, with Lelouch in a good mood and Suzaku feeling anchored in the knowledge that this person will be at his side, even through the opposition. "Say, could we maybe go out on a date?"

The smile abruptly falls off Lelouch's face. "What?"

_Was that too forward? And here I thought he'd appreciate me not beating around the bush. _"Well, I thought I'd like to get to know my boyfriend a bit better. We could do whatever you want to do. So, how about it?"

Lelouch's eyes flicker around before his line of vision settles back on his laptop. There's something on his face that Suzaku doesn't like. "…I really don't have the time right now."

Maybe it's because he didn't expect a rejection, or maybe it's because Lelouch did nothing to take the sting off of it, but it kind of hurt. "Oh, I just thought…" he begins but stops when he realizes that he's being tactless. He can fully understand why Lelouch wouldn't want to go out on a date when the life of his little sister is in jeopardy.

"You don't have to feel like I'm pressuring you into anything," Lelouch says, suddenly giving this a whole different spin.

Suzaku is quick to try to dissuade him of that. "You're not. What ever made you think you are?"

Lelouch shakes his head. "Don't feel like we absolutely have to continue where we left off."

His stomach churns at that. Suzaku tries to tell himself that Lelouch is just saying that for his sake and meant nothing else, but Lelouch is still looking at his laptop, and if that's really what it is, then Suzaku can't leave it hanging in the air like that. "Are you… are you saying _you_'d rather we—"

Lelouch finally looks up. "I didn't say that. I'm only saying that you don't have to put yourself in a position you're uncomfortable with." He puts his mask on again and turns back to his laptop.

"No, I understand," Suzaku says, but all he's getting from this conversation is that something has gone very, very wrong somewhere along the way. And he has no idea what.

"You should probably go. You don't want to be late."

It probably shouldn't, but it still feels like a slap in the face. "I guess," Suzaku says, and casts around for something to say so that this conversation doesn't end on such a sour note.

"Don't act any differently."

"Keep up the charade?" he asks lightly, but he knows when he's being dismissed, so he reluctantly walks towards the door.

"…yes, keep up the charade," Lelouch says quietly.

With nothing else to say, Suzaku opens the door. He allows himself to look back at Lelouch before he makes his exit.

_How much did I forget?_

Something got lost along the way, so much has been clear from the start. But now Suzaku thinks it runs even deeper than just forgotten facts about his life. The decisions that made him become a terrorist, his boyfriend who might or might not have second thoughts about this, and even Suzaku's personality might have changed. It's a difference only a few days made.

Suzaku wonders if they had been in love.

He hasn't really allowed himself to think in that direction yet, seeing as he either sets himself up for disappointment, or for high standard he might or might not meet again. He has distantly hoped it, though.

Suzaku supposes Lelouch isn't the type of person to show his affection openly or even often. For all his dramatic gestures, Suzaku can only imagine him to be subtle in that regard. Lelouch strikes him as just the kind of person who would suddenly surprise you with a heartfelt gesture and then act like it never even happened. But that's the thing: Lelouch doesn't act with him like he is or has been in love.

Looking at him, the proud line of Lelouch's spine from when he gave his speech is gone, along with it any allusion of grandeur. There is no trace of the relaxed stance from just a minute ago either. Instead his form almost seems to curl in on itself with the way he's hunching over his laptop and a bunch of documents. With the veil engulfing him, he looks even more fragile, almost like a young child that wrapped himself in his blanket. Suzaku watches him for a short moment like that, runs his eyes over the costume and only gets stuck on the opaque, cold glass of the mask.

_How much did I lose?_

All this underlines yet another thing: the fact that Suzaku decided to follow an ideology he might not have chosen if it hadn't come as a package deal.

* * *

><p>When he closes the door of the transporter, Suzaku finally releases the sigh that has been building up all this time. He feels very much like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs as he walks off, mulling over what he should do about Lelouch. But then he notices the woman from earlier leaning against the entrance of the storehouse. Suzaku thought that she had walked off in anger.<p>

He has half a mind to ignore her and just walk past her. Both the meeting of the Black Knights and how that conversation with Lelouch ended doesn't make him keen on getting yet another disappointment. She probably only wants to talk to Zero anyway.

But if he has to start building or burning bridges again, he should at least try to figure out where he stands with her.

"Hey," he says while approaching her. Q 1 turns around to look at him in surprise, and something clicks into place that had previously been obscured by the shadows the first time he saw her. He knows exactly who she is, even if she changed her hairstyle a bit in the meantime. She is the one of the girls on the photo from the Student Council. Not only that, but Zero started calling her something with a "K" before she interrupted him. With that, he has her real name.

"Are you Kallen?" he asks, feeling quite gratified that he managed to figure that out on his own.

She jumps slightly and stares at him with wide eyes— even worse, she tenses all over and segues into a defensive stance. "You remember me."

It almost sounds like an accusation, and Suzaku holds up his hands in placation, not feeling all that gratified anymore. "Ah, no, it's just that I realized you're in the Student Council. I saw you in a photo before."

"I see," she says, and loosens up her stance somewhat, but still stays on guard. Suzaku wonders if she acts that way because she has the same doubts about him as the rest of the Black Knights.

With her being this way, he has a hard time finding similarities between the woman in front of him and the one on that photo. There she looked demure with her tired eyes and slack posture. The person in front of him is anything but that with that fierce, fiery personality.

"Wasn't I supposed to know?" It's probably a poor conversation starter, but his curiosity won over. This is important anyway.

"I was just surprised. Zero said you lost all of your memories. I didn't expect you to know my name."

"And Q 1? What was up with that?" She had quite loudly interrupted Lelouch when he tried to call her by her real name.

"Habit," she simply answers.

They fall into silence after that. She still looks so wary of him, as if he would suddenly attack her or something. Zero might have fudged some details for Suzaku after all with Kallen's and his alleged might-be-friendship. Suzaku decides to be up front about this. At the very least he'll have his answer, and if everything goes well, he might even gain another friend, intimidating as she is.

"Zero said we had a little rivalry going on."

"…a little rivalry," she repeats, deadpan.

"His words, not mine," he adds, a bit defensively, and wonders why this whole thing feels so much like a standoff.

"Of course."

Suzaku starts to think that this was a bad idea. "I'm sorry, Zero wasn't really clear when I asked him if you and I had been friends. Did he lie?"

She frowns, but thankfully starts to shake her head. "No, it's just… it's complicated."

Maybe there was some truth to Lelouch's words after all. He smiles at her. "I'm sorry if I did anything to make you doubt me. Or if I did anything to make you angry."

"Don't apologize," she says, but it sounds harsh and not at all like she means it. "What are you doing here?"

That question throws him off. "I'm… meeting the team? Again?"

She shakes her head. "Where did Zero pick you up?"

"At school," he says slowly, trying to figure out where this is going. _What exactly is her problem?_

"And you came here just like that?"

"We were careful to not let anyone see us?" Suzaku is getting really unsure about this. And here he thought _he_'d be asking all the questions.

Again, she shakes her head, giving him a look as though he's _just too slow _for her. "So you decided on the spur of the moment to follow a masked terrorist to his hideout."

"He wasn't masked then," he says after some hesitation. He hopes that's not actually a well-kept secret or a taboo topic.

She has no visible reaction to that. Her face is still frozen in that half-doubtful, half-predatory expression. It's a very long and tense moment before she answers. "How nice of Lelouch to do that," she says, enunciating every word carefully.

_Ah, she knows_, he notes with relief. "Does everyone know it's him?"

"No," she only says, and Suzaku can clearly hear the "don't tell anyone" in her voice.

_Lelouch trusted her enough to tell her._ At once he feels a lot more comfortable around this person. It's common ground, and maybe once she has calmed down, they might even be able to talk about things Suzaku can't really discuss with the leader of the Black Knights. At the very least, Suzaku is very glad that he doesn't have to lie to _absolutely everybody_ he meets.

He looks at the transporter back in the shadows. "I didn't actually believe him when he told me I'm one of you guys. He even had to call you to convince me."

"I know," she simply says.

Suzaku gives her a self-deprecating smile. "It just went against everything I thought I was, you know?"

"I can imagine."

_She sure is chatty…_ "Until then I thought I had only been—"

She cuts him off with an impatient hand wave. "So Lelouch refreshed your memory. What else did he tell you?"

He pauses, trying to figure out what exactly it is that she wants to know. "About you, you mean?"

She shrugs. "About me, about the Black Knights… I'm surprised he told you who he is just like that."

"Because he's such a secretive person? Why wouldn't he want to tell me? He told you, too."

Kallen shoots him an unimpressed look. "So?"

And then— not thinking at all, much less noticing in time what kind of secret he's about to unveil— Suzaku opens his mouth. "Well, he's a wanted terrorist. Wouldn't it be virtually impossible to keep something this big hidden from your own boyfrrr—ack." _Oh I did not just— Way to go_…

She goes slack-jawed, and stares at him with wide eyes. But what might have only been a faux pas in any other situation takes on an uglier side when she only continues to stare at him in shock.

Those are the first signs of a less-than-desirable reaction, and Suzaku's heart sinks. "You… didn't know," he adds to fill the void, uselessly. He laughs nervously, maybe a bit shrilly, because if their friends at Ashford don't know, then the people in their local terrorist group are even less likely to know. And if he absolutely had to come out to someone, it probably wasn't very smart to come out to the angriest person he has met so far. _Lelouch will most likely be pissed about this._

Still she stares, eyes unfocussed. Not only is this passing the limit of awkwardness, but it's delving right into territory that requires much more profanity in Suzaku's head.

_Damage control. _"Could you forget I said that? This is a bit awkward."

Her mouth opens and closes one time, before she focuses back on him. "Since when?"

Nervously, he begins to babble, too flustered to do much else. "Um, he told me that we've been dating for a month, so it's really not been that long. It's been kind of weird and awkward so far 'cause of this whole memory loss thing, and it was kind of a shock when he told me in the hospital that we are a couple." He pauses to catch his breath. "Well, Lelouch really wasn't all that friendly when he visited me, and this whole being gay thing is still something—"

Kallen interrupts him with a jerky hand wave. She looks like she's about to ask him something urgent. "Lelouch told you that. Does anyone else know? Or did you guys keep it a secret? Does anyone in the Student Council know?"

Suzaku wishes he were anywhere but here. "No, we haven't told anyone yet. We've only been dating for a month. I accidentally almost outed us once already. I don't think I'm very good at this."

"Were you his—"she pauses with a frown on her face,"—boyfriend before or after you found out he is Zero?"

He really doesn't like how she made a pause before that word. He isn't quite courageous enough to ask her if there's a different reason for her to be so rattled, rather than just being surprised that her friends are dating.

She has a good point, though. "I don't know. I probably should ask him that." He sheepishly scratches his cheek. At least she doesn't seem angry anymore, which allows him to calm down a tiny bit.

"And you are his boyfriend even though you know that he's the most wanted terrorist in the world?" She sounds as if she has a hard time getting the words out.

This tells him something that he has wondered about before. "Did I have some reservations about that before?" If that's the case, it's reassuring to know that this had been a problem before. It might even mean that he now isn't that much different from before he lost his memories.

"Don't ask me that."

He's not satisfied with that answer. "I did, right? I wasn't entirely at ease with what he's doing."

She shakes her head, her finger pointing at him. "I refuse to play this game."

Suzaku blinks at her. "What? It's just a question."

"What has he…" she trails off and shakes her head slowly, fingers rubbing at her forehead as though trying to ward off a headache. "Excuse me, I have to talk to Zero."

His mind starts racing, because why would she need to talk to Lelouch because of that? It might have come out of the blue for her, but that doesn't explain why she's so upset about this. "He'll be angry that I told you."

She ignores him and turns around, walking briskly towards the transporter.

Slightly panicky, but knowing that there's not much he can do anymore, Suzaku calls after her in a last ditch effort. "I'd really like to be friends with you again!"

She throws him a bewildered look over her shoulder. Then she gives him a noncommittal half-shrug before hurrying on again.

This time he doesn't resist the urge to bury his face in his hands.

_Fuck_.

* * *

><p>The way to ASEEC is filled with berating himself for letting something like that slip and nervousness from getting from one uncomfortable situation to another. It provides a distraction, though, and it's something he can't get around, as reluctant as he is about it.<p>

It begins with him already feeling very out of place when he enters the military edifice. Moreover, he wonders what he's _really_ doing here. As much as there's nothing fake about acting out the role of being an amnesiac pilot who needs to learn the ropes again, he feels like a parasite or something equally furtive and odious. He can't forget that he's a spy, albeit one who doesn't need to do any spying yet, but that does nothing to make this any more palatable.

Even so, he has no idea what he does here normally. Does he contact Zero when they might attack the Black Knights? Does he look at blueprints of newly developed Knightmares and tell Zero what to look out for? Does he sabotage something when necessary?

Walking slowly, mostly out of reluctance to be here, but also because he knows he will have to wear that flimsy little thing for the simulation test, he continues through the halls. The smile he gives Cécile probably isn't one of his best, but she readily returns it and leads him to the changing room.

"How are you holding up? I'm sorry we didn't have a lot of time to make it easier for you. Did you have any problems?"

"Thank you, I'm doing fine," he says, and then decides that a little more honesty wouldn't hurt. "It's just taking some time getting used to everything again. I keep getting surprised." He looks around the hallway, but there is nothing to hold his interest. He supposes he won't be seeing any Knightmares today.

"As we discussed before, we'll run you through a few simulations today. No Lancelot for you until we've determined that you're fit to pilot it again," she says, all gentle eyes and encouraging smile.

"Okay," he answers quietly.

"The Knightmare in the simulation is an almost exact replica of the Lancelot. We'll give you a bit of time to reacquaint you with the controls before we'll give you a basic mission. Is that all right with you?"

He only hums in response, gearing himself up for what's to come.

Cécile stops walking and gives him a sympathetic look. "There's no need to be nervous."

"I'm not." It's not quite a lie. He's not nervous about doing this test; he's nervous about being a mole among these nice people, and also because he'll shortly be prancing around in a skintight, full-body pantyhose thing.

She doesn't say anything to that, and starts walking again after giving him a long look. "We won't keep you for long. No one wants to be stuck here on a Friday."

He nods absentmindedly, and really hopes she doesn't make all that much more small talk. As nice as she is to him, he's halfway afraid that she'll ask him about the muffin that's still catching dust in his room. He won't be able to tell the truth, and he'd rather not encourage her.

Luckily, she doesn't ask him about that unfortunate baked good, and only gives him another smile before holding the door for the changing room open. He nods back at her as she closes the door behind him, and then Suzaku is alone with only his thoughts and that piece of spandex or whatever it is.

Getting that thing on is an adventure in and of itself, and his only reward is a flushed face and feeling slightly like an exhibitionist when he greets the other scientists working here. Only sheer will makes him not reach out to cover his crotch. Thankfully, no one present stares at him.

While waiting for them to prepare everything, he gradually becomes more used to his questionable attire, and his thoughts drift again to his situation here.

He's having second thoughts. He knew he would have them, but he also thought that all this would run a bit smoother. Proving to himself that this was the right decision is one thing, but proving it to everyone else along with it wasn't something Suzaku was prepared for. He doesn't quite regret this entire decision yet, though, not when the alternative means to work actively against Zero. It would also mean having no leverage in the military as an Eleven, along with toppling over his private life.

This is the path he chose. No getting out of it now. So he puts on a brave front, and pretends that he isn't swimming against the current. And considering that he was a spy before already, all this should come back to him in due time.

Besides it's fine. Right now he's not doing anything he isn't supposed to be doing. He's just doing tests and checkups and stepping into a simulator without doing anything a soldier of Britannia isn't supposed to be doing. He isn't doing anything terroristic.

Lloyd greets him in front of one of the simulators, wearing his slightly mischievous smile, and still looking a bit worse for wear because of the bruise on his cheek. When Suzaku gets his go ahead, he takes a deep breath, and steps into the simulator.

The door immediately closes with a hiss behind him. Disoriented, he reaches out with one hand only to bump it on the console somewhere in the pitch-black space. He all but falls into his seat. It's cramped and vaguely oppressive, and with the darkness surrounding him it feels very much like he's trapped inside an egg. Isn't there a Chinese legend like that? A giant waking up in an egg, darkness everywhere, trying to break out, creating the world, something, something?

The image doesn't last long. When the screens around him flare up, both the illusion and the vague feeling of claustrophobia vanish as words, lines and symbols appear along with a lifelike overview of the city.

He looks around in wonder, eyes flickering from the screen to the myriad of button around him. Does he still know what each of them does? He's really afraid he'll do something embarrassing like activating the windshield wipers or something.

For a moment, he's very conscious of his body: where he rests his legs, how his hands hang uselessly in his lap, how the backseat digs into his shoulders. It's impressive and exactly how Suzaku imagines sitting in a Knightmare to feel like, which does nothing for his indecisiveness. It's purely psychological, but no less crippling.

"You can begin anytime," comes Cécile's gentle voice out of his earpiece, startling him.

"Right," he says, and then suffers another moment of acute indecision before he gingerly puts his hands where they're supposed to go. He's painfully aware of how awkward and clumsy his fingers feel around the controls.

Now he'll see if he has to fake anything or not.

The machine springs to life.

Then, like a puzzle piece snapping into place, his muscle memory kicks in and he moves on autopilot. The simulated giant moves, and a few second later he already flies.

He forgot nothing of this.

Suzaku barely hears Cécile's words of encouragement and whatever technical mumbo jumbo Lloyd is saying next to the rush of this. It feels like home, flying through the air. It's familiar: the inertia of the Knightmare's every step, the force of the wind acting as a constant distraction, the rush of the altitude. The simulation feels like the real thing, and that knowledge itself— the fact that his amnesia hasn't robbed him of that— feels a lot like regaining a lost part of himself. This right here is what he does, and it's liberating.

Then his mission parameters flash before his eyes, and he shifts gears.

He knows his role. This is his first mission, and he refuses to disappoint Lelouch right from the get go however much he would like to see just how much he can do. This is power under his fingers and it's tempting.

But following Zero is what he chose. _Now the lying officially starts._

So he lets his hand push a button he knows he should never push without aiming beforehand. He braces himself. The gun activates— earsplitting and so very, very real— and unloads a salvo directly into the middle part of the Knightmare. The shaking of the cockpit is familiar, as are the alarm sirens.

It's over before it even really begins.

The screen fizzles out. It doesn't flash "game over" or "you've died", but it might as well have. Suzaku leans back and lets go of the controls, only now realizing how tense he held them throughout this.

_Mission accomplished. I hope this will be worth it_, is what he thinks.

"Oops," is what he says out loud.

* * *

><p>The next thing he knows is that a very heavy manual is pressed into his hands.<p>

"You already have a copy, but now you have two." Lloyd isn't scowling when he says that, but it's apparent that he's disappointed. Suzaku feels very bad about this despite the fact that everything went according to plan.

"That was a rookie mistake. You have never made that mistake before."

"I know," he says meekly.

"If it had been real, you would have died there," Cécile says. As always, her voice is gentle and kind, but it gained a worried undertone along the way. She offers him a cup of tea, which he accepts with a grateful smile.

"If you weren't the best devicer we ever had…," Lloyd mutters, looking at the flashing numbers on one of his screens.

The tea is extraordinarily strong, and if he didn't think Cécile would never do this, he might have thought that this was some kind of revenge for failing. Suzaku still drinks it, and pretends it's a test of will.

Lloyd still continues. "This is unexpected. To think that amnesia would affect your performance this much…"

Suzaku frowns, swallowing his mouthful with difficulty. He knows it shouldn't, but that comment actually hurt his pride a little. "I did fine until I used the gun."

Lloyd ignores him. "Hmm, but I guess it can't be helped and it's nothing that can't be fixed. You should be back to your old self once you get some practice in."

Cécile takes the empty cup away from him. "We'll try again on Monday. You go read your manual until then."

Lloyd looks up from his numbers in sudden urgency. "We'd completely waste two days!"

"Suzaku just got released from the hospital," she says firmly with a strained smile.

Against Suzaku's expectations Lloyd immediately, and mumbles something to the screen before him.

Cécile turns back to Suzaku. "That will be all for today. Have a nice weekend."

"Thank you," Suzaku says. He means a lot of things, but a little break from everything is more than appreciated.

Even if Lloyd's character makes him nervous, and even if Cécile is so nice to him that he doesn't quite know what to do with himself, he can't deny that unlike the Black Knights, these people actually make him feel like he's part of a team.

* * *

><p>After a much-needed stroll to the grocery shop, he's back at his apartment. He quickly puts the groceries where they belong, and then puts the manual on the table. He has no idea if he worked through that doorstopper of a book before, but refreshing his memory can never hurt. And on the off chance that Lloyd will spring a pop quiz on him, he'd be prepared. Suzaku can easily imagine Lloyd doing that.<p>

But for now he's determined to finally take care of his cell phone.

He doesn't have much to look through for which he's grateful. There's one big folder on his otherwise meager bookshelf, and he decides to start with that. After only a few minutes, he finds the pin code he has been looking for. His phone even accepts it.

Suzaku has seven missed calls and twelve text messages. Most are from an entity labeled the "Student Council Room" and the other ones are from Rivalz, Millay, and Shirley. He checks everything twice, scrolls through the "are you okay"s and the "call back"s, but that's all there is to it.

None are from Lelouch. Which is strange, because Suzaku knows that Lelouch has a phone— he called Kallen with it yesterday, and his number is listed separately in Suzaku's contact list— so he should've received a few missed calls or at least a text message from him. _You'd think your own boyfriend would be worried about you…_

_Could he have been that angry about something I said or did that he completely ignored me for a couple of days? Even when I was in the hospital?_

But he's probably only seeing drama where there isn't any— Lelouch could just as well have been the one who called from the Student Council Room. Moreover, he could have even known that Suzaku didn't have his phone with him.

Shaking his head at that harebrained conspiracy theory, he decides to shoot Lelouch a short message.

He deletes the first string of words he typed, and then tries once more with proper capitalization. Lelouch strikes him as the type to appreciate something like that. He hesitates briefly before adding a smiley.

"I can use my phone again! :D"

He doesn't have to wait long for a reply.

"You told Kallen," is what he gets back. Suzaku stares at it until the letters blur into one another, thinking. This is what he had feared. He hurries to type in a reply.

"I'm sorry. It was an accident."

He gets no reply.

He frowns, and types, "I hope she didn't give you a hard time for that?"

Still no reply.

Worried, Suzaku tries once more. "I didn't mean to tell her. Don't be angry."

He spends a few lonely minutes alternating between looking at his phone and the barren room before he is ready to give up. It's a change of pace to have someone mad or displeased at him for something he actually did and remembers doing instead of drawing the short stick right from the start. It's even a fitting end for this colossal failure of a day.

Idly, he spins his phone on the table. The sound is loud and useless in his apartment, and Suzaku feels just so tired and weary of it all. He closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands.

* * *

><p>After that debacle, he grabs the folder, and moves away from the phone. For a moment he considers leaving the folder where it is; disarray would be one way to make this apartment look more lived-in or not quite so empty, but Suzaku would prefer it to manifest as something else than a lack of orderliness. Maybe he should go buy a potted plant. At least it wouldn't hurt if he managed to screw that up somehow. Suzaku could do with some non-failure right about now.<p>

He shoves the folder back where it belongs, and then startles when it doesn't go all the way in and instead knocks against something behind it. He crouches to peer into the little niche, but it's too dark to make anything out. _Did I hide something in there? _Snorting to himself, he wonders if he's the type to keep a hidden alcohol stash or something like it after all, but when he reaches out into the shadows, expecting glass, he instead encounters cold steel.

Slowly, apprehensively, he pulls out a 9mm Browning L9A1. The name comes to him before he even fully realizes that he's holding a pistol.

For a few seconds he stares at it, dumbfounded. He wonders what it's doing here, or better yet, what part of his life is responsible for it being here. Does he own it because he's with the military, because he was a knight, or is it maybe even here because he's a terrorist?

With some hesitance, he brings it closer for inspection. Instinct makes him check if it's loaded before he does anything else. It's unloaded and the safety is on, which takes the edge off his indecision, and he grips it properly with his index finger resting on the trigger. Its weight and shape immediately feel familiar, fitting into his palm perfectly. Emboldened, he lifts the gun to mock-aim it at the box of ammunition that is still sitting on the shelf before changing his mind and pointing it at his phone on the table. With his legs spread for balance, shoulders and arms taut, and both eyes wide open, he aims. He stands like this for a few heartbeats, lining up the front and rear sight of the gun, and concentrates on holding his hands still. It comes easy.

Feeling validated in a way he can't quite pinpoint, Suzaku relaxes and lets the gun droop. "Click," he whispers as an afterthought, to give this some kind of makeshift denouement, and then removes his finger from the trigger. He turns the gun around in his hands, inspecting it and tracing its barrel with his finger. Its dark metal is smooth and cool to the touch, but once he reaches the muzzle, the sensation changes. He draws back, and a black film discolors the tip of his index finger. Mesmerized, he rubs it against his thumb, watches the blackness spread and clot.

And the magic shatters. He realizes that what he's spreading over his fingers isn't dust, and with it the gun becomes real in a heartbeat, something that isn't just a harmless construction of steel or a boyish, innocent toy. The distance from it is gone.

He hastily puts it back in its spot, and then walks into his bathroom to wash his hands over the sink. He should have never acted so unprofessionally in the first place.

There's not much on his finger and it comes off in an instant for which Suzaku is grateful. The soot sways and dances in the water before it disintegrates and vanishes down the drain. He decides to wash his hands once more.

Suzaku likes to think that the gunshot residue is only there because he has been target practicing with it and nothing more. After all, small guns like these are usually only issued for self-defense, he reassures himself.

But on some level he knows he's trying to wash away something that exists only in his head.

* * *

><p>End of chapter 4<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment, and serves no other purpose.

Warning(s) for this chapter: none

Notes:

1) A big thank you goes to my beta, **Muckraker**! And another big thank you goes to everyone who still reads and supports this story!  
>2) I really like Kallen. I thought about her scene in this chapter a lot, and I think this is how she would react.<br>3) Remember that time when I was able to update this story on a regular basis? Yeah, me neither.  
>4) Remember when I wrote in chapter 4 how I'm "very sure" this fic will exceed 100k words at one point? I do. And I point and laugh at it now because it already happened.<br>5) The middle part of this is very self-indulgent. Beware of linguistic excursions, I guess.

* * *

><p><strong>Blank Slate<strong>

Chapter 5 (August, 13th 2012)

* * *

><p>Next day is a Saturday. Suzaku meant to sleep in, but his body wouldn't let him, waking him up when the sun is still low and the air is cool. It's a nice reprieve with sunshine and few clouds. With his forehead pressed against the window pane, he looks at the tinted view, letting his thoughts stray away from guns, terrorism, and relationship problems.<p>

He allows himself to feel unburdened for a day. He leisurely eats his not-so-Britannian breakfast, and then decides to go for a jog under the brightening morning sky. There are very few people up this early, and he runs through a nearby park with his arms spread wide, feeling the wind between his fingers, reveling in this simple pleasure. He continues like this until the sun stands in its zenith and sweat runs down his forehead.

When he returns home he feels born anew. He takes a shower, perfunctorily masturbates, and then tackles his homework before going to the bank to take care of his account.

There isn't much to do beside answering a few questions, signing a few documents, waiting, and trying to ignore distrustful stares. _They are warranted now_, Suzaku reminds himself. Perhaps this, too, will start to shed its newness and become just another part of his life. At the very least, he gets another example of what Lelouch wants to change.

After everything is taken care of, he's at a loss as to what to do. He has no idea what he usually does in his spare time. Neither his apartment nor the people he asked could clue him in on that. He supposes he could go jogging again, as he quite liked it, but he already did that and he doesn't feel like showering twice today. Listing a few common hobbies in his head does nothing for him either. _That's kind of pathetic._

Out of good ideas, he sits down to look through the manual Lloyd gave him. He reads the most pertinent paragraphs, stays longer at the practical side of the Lancelot, and gets cross-eyed from tiny graphics with huge amounts of detail in them. Most of the knowledge therein comes to him unbidden, trickling in and staying, rendering his reading session superfluous. It gets boring very quickly.

He spends the next hour alternating between staring blearily at the walls of text, doing the rest of his homework, and throwing furtive glances at his phone. However much he wants to, he can't dispel it or the lingering guilt from his mind.

So he makes himself read a few more sentences before standing up, pocketing his phone, and making his way towards the docks. Even if Lelouch isn't at the hideout, it can't hurt to get to know the other Black Knights better. And Suzaku doubts things can get much worse than they did yesterday.

* * *

><p>Suzaku makes detours, zigzagging through the streets in impractical paths. No one follows him, he's quite sure of that, but he refuses to be careless and give the Black Knights a real reason to doubt him.<p>

Once he reaches the familiar storehouse and stands before the small transporter, he hears voices arguing from inside. One is tinny and distorted, the other female and audibly agitated. _Do I really want to go in there now?_

They are not rising in volume though, and that gives him enough courage to knock on the door. The voices stop at once. But no one gives him permission to enter. _Here goes nothing_, he thinks, and pushes the door open.

Kallen and Zero seem to be the only ones in the transporter, and neither seems to be enthused about him being here. As her voice suggested, Kallen looks angry— a state she seems in often. Lelouch's face is hidden behind the mask.

Suzaku hovers on the threshold, unsure. "Should I come back lat—"

"Yes," Zero says, cutting him off. "That would be better. This won't take long."

"Come in. Take a seat," Kallen says, all the while looking at Zero. "You have every right to hear this as a member of the Black Knights. Isn't that right, _Zero_?"

In slow-motion, Zero turns back to her. He does not say anything, but his displeasure at this turn of events is more than palpable, as is the tension.

Suzaku looks back and forth between them. "It's really no problem! I'll go wait outside for a—"

"Come in and close the door!" Kallen snaps at him.

Cowed, Suzaku does as told, but can't bring himself to move away from the door. With the doorknob digging into his back, he watches from a safe distance, bracing himself. _Is this because of yesterday?_ After making sure that Kallen is still fixated on Zero, Suzaku mouths a "sorry" at him. The mask was inclined his way, but Suzaku has no idea if he saw.

Kallen's head is held high, her back stiff. Even though Zero is taller than she is, she's the more intimidating presence in the room. "I don't think it's worth the risk," she says.

Zero is slow to react. He makes a little half-shake with his head as though not prepared to continue their argument, before he visibly exhales. "If you have a better idea to get the rest of the Black Knights back, not to mention my sister, then please do share."

"You don't even have a working plan to get them back yet."

Lelouch tut-tuts a finger at her. "Bien au contraire, I do have a plan. It only needs some fine-tuning before we can set it in motion."

"Fine-tuning?" Kallen sneers, and shakes her head. "We can't save anyone or anything in our current state. We don't even have the Gaiwan since _someone_ lost it."

"No one lost it. It was a casualty."

"Gaiwan?" Suzaku asks, but gets completely ignored. Still, he's glad they're arguing about something other than his regrettable slipup. He resigns himself to being a silent observer in this conversation, and tries to follow along as best as he can. He's interested in what they're arguing about anyway.

Zero shakes his head. "Regardless, we now have something better than that."

"You really do think so? Maybe you should convince everyone else of that, too."

He makes an impatient swipe with his hand. "I'm talking about the new Knightmares Rakshata developed."

Kallen scoffs. "Of course. What else would we be talking about?" She shakes her head, and continues before he can answer. "This isn't worth it. How do you know they're not defective? I tell you we won't know until it all blows up in our faces. How can you even stand behind this?"

"If we don't take a few risks, then the Black Knights will be at a nadir, at our lowest poi—"

"We're already at our lowest point! Answer my question: how do you know they're not defective?"

Zero makes a fist for a second before relaxing his hand again. He inclines his head towards Suzaku briefly, perhaps looking for help, and then looks at Kallen again. "Rakshata can determine—"

Kallen's derisive laugh cuts him off. "Rakshata?"

Zero breathes deeply as though trying to compose himself. "I will take care of this myself. I take full responsibility. And I will be the first to know."

Kallen's stare is hard. "You don't believe that yourself."

Zero doesn't answer her.

Unimpressed, she continues, "We don't need this extra risk. We have always functioned fine before this. I'm telling you, it's a ticking time bomb. I cannot believe you would hinge everything we have on something this uncontrollable."

Zero shakes his head in apparent frustration. "I made sure that the model is safe. I wouldn't have done anything if that was still up in the air."

Kallen purses her lips. Her next words are slow, as though she needs to test the sound of them. "Did you give it a test drive, too?"

Zero grows stiff. He seems stunned by what she said, although Suzaku can't imagine why. When Zero speaks again his voice comes out in a growl. "If you think this is funny—"

"I don't! But you don't seem to realize that you're putting everyone's life on the line!"

Zero's answer is still a growl, sharper but also quieter. "I already made my decision. You will respect this and do your best to see this plan through."

Kallen barks a short, humorless laugh. "Here you go giving orders again without justifying your reasoning or even considering our safety. Do you remember what happened the last time you did that?"

_How long has this been brewing? _Suzaku wonders. He underestimated how brittle and disputed Zero's leadership is, and how big the trust issue seems to be.

Lelouch gives her a suffering sigh. "We've already talked about this ad nauseam. You're boring everyone in this room if you can't think of a new argument."

"You can't refute any of my points. You have your head stuck too high in your ass for that."

Again, Zero is silent for a few moments. "I have already decided. The plan is already set in motion. You trying to sabotage my plan will not—"

Kallen bares her teeth. "Sabotaging!? Do you think I'm stupid!?"

Zero presses on as though he didn't hear her. "This is the best thing that could have happened to the Black Knights. Considering that none of our current Knightmare frames are quite up to the task, we were in dire need of something _better_."

Kallen looks positively livid when Zero finishes his sentence. She takes a step forward, her fists balled. "Something better!? Are you saying that I—"

"I'm saying that this is the perfect chance to win once and for all."

Dead silence. Something in the atmosphere has shifted. Feeling like this encounter is at the cusp of disaster, Suzaku looks between them in muted panic.

Then Kallen speaks, slowly and with her voice as cold as ice. "This is all so convenient for you, isn't it? All this fell into place so _fabulously_, didn't it?"

Suzaku presses his back further into the doorknob. Lelouch doesn't have an overt reaction to this, but his voice comes out strained. "Kallen, you will not—"

"Oh, this must be just _orgasmic_ for you. Don't tell me that this was the only reason you—"

Zero doesn't budge one inch. "You don't know what you're—"

"You will be the ruin of us all with this reckless decision, you pompous—"

"You're treading on very dangerous ground, Kallen. Do not insult me again."

Her voice rises in volume. "Thanks to you we're _all _treading on dangerous ground! All because of your repressed—"

"Kallen! You will stop this instant!" Zero barks back, matching her tone.

She ignores him. "Is this your idea of revenge? Don't you realize what this—"

"If you are jealous," he says with venom dripping from his tongue, "I suggest you—"

She looks as though she had been slapped. "Jealous!? You pillow-biting—"

"I have somewhere to go!" Suzaku yells over his shoulder as he all but flees the room. He doesn't hear anything else from them when he hastily, but still carefully closes the door and speed-walks away from the transporter.

* * *

><p>Suzaku rubs his face and curses without energy or vigor as he walks around the docks. <em>Could that have gone any worse?<em> As glad as he is to be out of there, he feels bad for leaving Lelouch behind. Though, perhaps it was the right decision, considering that his presence only seems to make matters worse. Apparently all he's doing so far is upholding his status quo of screwing up. He would take it with more humor if he hadn't dragged Lelouch into this.

He wanders around in circles before his bad conscience weighs too much to do anything else but pull out his phone and stare at it for a long time. _Apologizing didn't accomplish anything yesterday, but maybe today—_ He nearly drops the damn thing when it starts to vibrate. "Lelouch" shows up on its glowing display.

With a mix of relief and apprehension, Suzaku holds it to his ear. "Le—"

"Meet me at the train station," Lelouch says, and then hangs up without another word.

* * *

><p>Suzaku is the first at the train station. He doesn't mind waiting as the weather is nice, and he'd hate to make Lelouch wait. He mulls over what Zero and Kallen talked about, and what that means for the Black Knights as an organization. <em>You are the most wanted terrorist in the world<em>, he thinks. _I thought you had vast resources and an army behind you._ But the thoughts don't lead him anywhere, so he lets them peter out, unfinished.

After a few more minutes of watching people walk past him, Lelouch appears at his side, clad in a black turtleneck and a red jacket with a bag slung over his shoulder. He holds up his hand before Suzaku can open his mouth or start groveling.

"If you are going to apologize, don't. I only ask you to be more careful from now on. If you really want to tell anyone, consult me first. We're both in this," he says, and gives Suzaku a pointed look. "And now not another word about this, you hear me?"

"Okay. Thank you," Suzaku replies in relief, beyond grateful. "Did she—"

"What did I just say? If you have questions, you can ask them on another day, but for today I want to forget all about this."

Suzaku was about to say "sorry", but instead nods so he does not anger Lelouch again.

Lelouch gives a nod of his own, starting to look more amiable. "Don't think badly of Kallen for this. She already apologized to me, and I'm sure you'll get an apology, too. Everyone is tense at the moment."

"Thank you," Suzaku says again before Lelouch can stop him. If Lelouch doesn't want to talk about it anymore, then Suzaku will gladly change the subject. "So, what are we doing here?"

Lelouch gives a faint smile, and looks up at the giant entrance of the train station. "You'd like to know more about your life, right?"

The non sequitor throws him for a loop. He recognizes it for the conversation starter it is, but he has no idea where this is going. "Of course."

"It's a wonderful day to take a trip, don't you think?"

Suzaku frowns in puzzlement. "I'm not following."

Lelouch's smile widens. "You and your family used to live in a mansion. It's abandoned now."

Disbelief makes his reaction slow. He doesn't quite dare to hope, but Lelouch's smile doesn't subside, and he isn't cruel enough to joke about this. "Are you saying that we're going there?" He waits for the answer with bated breath.

"If you want to."

"You bet I want to go there!" he answers, and grabs Lelouch's thin, bony wrist to drag him through the entrance of the train station. Almost bumping into people in his excitement, he drags Lelouch until they stand on a platform that overlooks various trains. Agog, he stops there. He has no idea where to go.

Belatedly, he realizes that they're holding hands.

"Tickets first," Lelouch says with a chipper quality to his voice that wasn't there before, and takes the lead. Even better, he allows this little handholding and leads Suzaku nonchalantly through the throngs of people.

Only when they have to draw their tickets does he pull his hand out of Suzaku's grip.

* * *

><p>There are few people boarding a Saturday afternoon train, so Lelouch and Suzaku sit next to each other in a near empty wagon. Suzaku watches the buildings zip by, thinking of his old home and trying to picture it. Lelouch warned him that they would have a long train ride and a long way on foot ahead of them. They would need to hike up a mountain, Lelouch told him, grimacing through the sentence. Suzaku could only grin at him.<p>

"How was yesterday?" Lelouch asks him after a bout of comfortable silence.

"Fine," Suzaku lies. Lelouch doesn't need to know about the restless night he had, trying to accept the gun hidden behind a row of books. That is his own battle.

"I was asking about the simulation."

_I almost forgot that. _"I found out that I forgot nothing. It went without a problem."

Lelouch gives him an expectant look. "And?"

Suzaku sighs and slumps his shoulders. "They are very disappointed with me."

"Good. Well done," Lelouch says, satisfied.

Suzaku sighs once more. "I don't really feel that good about lying to them. They've been really nice to me."

"I thought you wanted to help me?"

"Of course, but…"

"This is part of that. If you really want to help me, you can't be entirely honest with them."

"I know it's necessary. I would just rather be honest with them."

"You can channel all that excess honesty in my direction if that makes you feel better."

Suzaku looks at him in surprise. Maybe he reads too much into this, but then again, Suzaku feels like he keeps discovering things about himself he would have never ascribed to his person. And Lelouch had been so angry at him in the hospital. "Were you suspicious of me, too?"

Lelouch shakes his head. "Bad wording on my part. Don't read too much into it." He clears his throat. "I trust you not to betray me over something as insignificant as not wanting to lie once or twice."

Suzaku smiles at him. "Don't worry. I'd never betray you."

An intent look appears on Lelouch's face. "Is that a promise?"

He didn't inflect his words to sound joking as Suzaku had expected, which makes him hesitant and unsure. "Why would I ever betray you?"

Lelouch has the strangest reaction to that. He snorts, and a wry smile spreads over his face. "I'll hold you to that," he says to the window, oblivious to the confused look Suzaku sends him.

Suzaku stares at him for a few more seconds, but then decides to shrug it off. Lelouch can be weird in his own special way from time to time, and Suzaku will not nag him for something that might have only been a failed attempt at humor.

"Wake me up once we're there," Lelouch says after a few moments of silence. Quieter he adds, "Or if you see someone or something suspicious."

"You're going to take a nap?" Suzaku wouldn't be able to doze off right now if his life depended on it. "How very Japanese of you."

"Pragmatic," Lelouch replies, and closes his eyes. His breath slows and deepens in a matter of seconds, body lolling with the motions of the train. Even the light shining on his face doesn't seem to bother him.

_Practiced in school, didn't you? _Suzaku thinks with a smile, but it slides right off his face when he remembers that Lelouch has a lot of reasons to lose sleep. When he looks at it from this angle, Lelouch's particular habit isn't amusing anymore at all.

With nothing better to do, Suzaku turns to look out the window. They are passing the intersection point between the slumps and the luckier part of the city, a stark contrast. An army of broken buildings fly by his window. If he looked out the window on the other side of the train, he'd get a much better view. _Look left to see ruins, look right to see a brighter world, _he thinks in mystification. He can take pride in wanting to change that, the one thing Lelouch and he will never disagree on. _A noble goal for ruthless terrorists._

Vexed at his own thoughts, he turns away from the scenery to look at Lelouch again, and force another topic into his head. _I like what he wears_, he thinks. The acknowledgment blindsides him, and he doesn't quite know what to do with the thought. He feels juvenile and clumsy with it. It's disappointing that he now had a week to get used to the idea, and he's still so shy and unsure about everything.

He decides to test himself.

Looking around, he makes sure that there are still hardly any passengers in this wagon. It's a completely unnecessary action as he's not about to do much of anything with Lelouch sleeping, but he doesn't need an audience for his little act of courage.

Suzaku nudges his knee against Lelouch's just to see what kind of difference it makes. Lelouch doesn't react. The other passengers don't look in their direction. The light continues to shine onto Lelouch's face. Suzaku concentrates on the warmth where their knees touch.

Chuckling at himself and at how ridiculous he's about this, he leans more weight against Lelouch because this is okay, this is all okay, Suzaku is perfectly fine with everything.

He allows himself a tiny little smile.

_So I got my date after all._

* * *

><p>Suzaku wakes him up once they've reached their destination. They make their way out of the buzzing city, and steer towards a mountain looming in the distance. It's a gradual shift when steel and stone turns into dirt and nature, but before long, they are making their way up the mountain. The slope isn't steep, but the incline is constant and getting more noticeable by the minute.<p>

The air is cleaner here. And it's greener. Suzaku takes some time to appreciate the scenery when the meandering dirt road becomes steeper and Lelouch halves his speed.

"It seems pretty remote. Are you sure this is the way to go?"

"Trust me. I know the way," Lelouch answers while trying to catch his breath. "It's been a long time, but Nunnally and I used to live here as well."

Suzaku stops so that Lelouch can catch up. _So you lived one summer with me? And then we met again years later and became a couple? It's funny how that worked out. Almost like a cliché._

Once next to him, Lelouch stops walking and wipes the sweat off his brow. Suzaku allows him that small break even though he himself doesn't need one. This was Lelouch's idea after all, and Suzaku is more than grateful that he does this for him.

Lelouch locates a few rocks that will do as a makeshift bench, and sits down after wiping the dust off them with his hands. "Have you remembered anything at all yet?"

Suzaku sighs, and shakes his head. He opts against sitting down, and stretches his legs to loosen his muscles. "No, nothing so far. But maybe visiting my old home will change that."

"Don't get your hopes up. You might not remember anything. And there's probably hardly anything there."

Undeterred, Suzaku grins at him. "You're such a sourpuss. Can't you be a bit more optimistic for my sake?"

"I'm realistic."

_Zero is anything but,_ Suzaku thinks without meaning to, and wrestles that thought down again. _Stop it._

"Besides," Lelouch continues, "I've read that a person suffering from your kind of amnesia can't actually recover any memories through external factors. A recovery is spontaneous, and has nothing to do with how much we show you or how much you get to know about your former life. Try to get used to that thought."

'_Former life', _Suzaku thinks in displeasure, but nods along to his explanation. Not only have the doctors made sure he understood that, he has seen time and time again that he can't count on his memories coming back that way. Neither familiar places nor faces helped any.

Suzaku shrugs at him. "It's only been a week. I have all the time in the world to remember everything."

Lelouch doesn't answer, and takes out one of the two water bottles from his bag. Taking pity on him, Suzaku slings the bag over his own shoulder to carry it for the rest of the trip. He assumes that they have crossed most of the distance now, although he can't see the house from here as they are surrounded by trees.

Suzaku wonders how much will still be preserved from years ago. While Lelouch doesn't seem to think that there'll be much to come back to, Suzaku can't curb that glimmer of hope. Even if it's not much, a photo or anything personal from his parents would be well worth this trip.

Back in the hospital, Suzaku meant to accept that he's an orphan and that he will leave all this behind. After all, there is no reason to make this harder on himself and dwell on it endlessly. But this is opportunity offered on a silver platter, and— if only for today— he allows himself to dig deeper.

"Say, can you tell me about my parents?"

Lelouch freezes in the motion of taking a swig from his bottle. He makes eye contact with Suzaku, bottle forgotten and hovering in front of his mouth. The look on his face is probing, unsure. "It's not a happy story. Do you really want to know?" It almost sounds like he's asking for permission.

Suzaku nods with conviction. "I already know the ending. I'm prepared to hear this."

Lelouch looks skeptical. "If you think so." His gaze returns to his bottle which he finally lowers. He twirls it in his hands, thinking. "Do you know who your father was?"

Suzaku blinks at him in confusion. "My father was… my father? What? What are you asking?"

Lelouch shakes his head. "Your father was the last prime minister of Japan." He pauses to let that piece of information sink in.

_Prime minister? But then I'm…_

_No, that has nothing to do with me. It's just a political position. This changes nothing about me._

"Do you remember what happened to the last prime minister of Japan? That might tap into your general knowledge rather than your memories."

Suzaku concentrates, but he still feels like he's fumbling around in the dark. He does know when the war ended, and with it the reign of the last Japanese prime minister, which gives him a timeframe, but nothing else. Suzaku knows he died while in office, and he mulls over that piece of knowledge, how weird a realization it is considering his remembering this fact has nothing to do with that person being his father.

Suzaku closes his eyes in concentration. _How did the last Japanese prime minister die? _"Did he… get killed?" He tests the words on his tongue, but they seem right to him.

Lelouch doesn't react, seeming as if he didn't process Suzaku's answer. At last, he gives a slow shake with his head. "He committed suicide."

"Oh," Suzaku says, because he has not much else to say. He feels strangely detached from it, like they're talking about something abstract and meaningless. In a way, they are. His father is dead already anyway, and knowing the cause of his death changes nothing. _Callous_, Suzaku thinks, chiding himself, but he can't summon more emotional investment than this.

Though, he could have sworn that Japan's prime minister died in a different way.

He decides to shrug it off. "What kind of person was my father?" Even though he meant to leave this topic alone, he can't help but feel curious. And Lelouch is the only person who can give him a reliable answer.

"I'm not the best person to ask that question. I hardly interacted with him."

Suzaku hums in reply, dissatisfied.

"He was…" Lelouch tries, and trails off with a pinched look on his face. "He was a stoic man. A bit intimidating." A shadow passes over his features. "Tried to marry a minor."

_Well, that doesn't sound good at all._ "But kind?"

"I don't… I'm probably not the best person to ask that question."

And a part of Suzaku slams shut. He had already decided not to pursue this matter further, but now he almost regrets asking for more.

"You can look up your father on the internet if you want to. I can't tell you what you want to know."

Suzaku gives a noncommittal half-shrug. "And my mother?"

"I never met her."

_This is going wonderfully._ "Maybe I talked about her?"It seems Suzaku is just the perfect person to lose his memories and remain a riddle forever. The thought would have frustrated him more if he hadn't accepted it already.

Lelouch only shakes his head, looking lost and frustrated in the face of all these questions he can't answer. "We had a rule about this. I won't ask about your family, and you won't ask about mine."

"Oh."

This is something he has never considered before. As concerned as he had been with his own life, that Lelouch might have family problems on his own hadn't even crossed his mind. Suzaku feels terrible about this, but looking back on it, Lelouch had never made any indications that that is the case. Suzaku knows about the situation with his sister, but beyond that he knows nothing. It underlines once more that there are so many things in Suzaku's life that he has no idea of.

A helpless and directionless sort of empathy grips Suzaku. _Something in common_, he thinks, and feels sad for both of them. Suzaku feels so useless, but wants to help him in the same way Lelouch is helping him with his life.

He decides he'll need to ask for permission, too. "Is that rule still in effect?"

Lelouch does not look up, but his answer is immediate and resolute. "I'd rather it would be." He stands up, and with it the short break ends.

Suzaku follows him in silence.

* * *

><p>It still takes a lot of walking and hiking before they hit a landmark.<p>

A torii stands like a beacon of light among the verdure, its red vibrant and beautiful. Moss started climbing it, but it only made it a few inches upwards. Most of the red wood is unmarred and shining among the green, picturesque and venerable. As though honoring the gate's namesake, a small bird is perched on it and preens itself.

Whatever the torii might have lead to once, it now points to remnants of charred wood and jumbled stones. The base structure only alludes to the big shrine it once might have been. Suzaku assumes it was damaged during the war, and feels nothing but cold acceptance at that thought.

_It can't be coincidence that my family lived so close to a Shinto shrine_, Suzaku thinks, and then feels suddenly, violently inadequate to be here. Whatever this was to his family, he knows instinctively that it isn't all that much to him anymore.

Suzaku doesn't dare walk through the gate and makes a wide berth around it, pushing against Lelouch as he does. He doesn't dare touch its red wood either. It isn't that he's particularly superstitious, but this is borne more out of a kind of reverence, of respect, and passing through it would feel inappropriate.

They leave the torii and the ruined shrine behind. It still nags at his mind, though, because it reminds him of something. "Do I have an altar for my deceased parents?" It's not a Shinto ritual— anything death-related is usually the domain of Buddhism— but it tends to go hand in hand in Japanese culture.

"I don't know," Lelouch answers. There is no reproach in his voice, but they both know Suzaku doesn't keep one.

Suzaku thinks of his apartment which contains no hint of his heritage or cultural background. There are no photos or anything to even indicate how his parents looked like or what kind of people they had been. Something must have happened. There must have been something that made them clash or drift apart. And whatever the cause of their estrangement, it must have been so final and thorough as to leave nothing behind in Suzaku's life.

He already knows the answer to his next question even though he needs to make sure. "Did I have a falling out with them?"

"I guess you could say that."

Lelouch doesn't elaborate and Suzaku doesn't feel like asking.

* * *

><p>At last, they stand before the abandoned mansion.<p>

It might have been beautiful once. It still is, but in a different way: verdure everywhere, wood coated in moss, lush plants trying to cover everything that is man-made. A motley ensemble of vines make their way up the walls, hiding wood and stone behind a shield of leaves. It's a rich green color, bright and glowing in the sun.

The building itself peeks out from under it, meek and dwarfed by the nature surrounding it. Years of desolation left its mark, even if they could never dismantle a whole mansion in that amount of time. It's not a ruin by any stretch of the word— and the plant-overrun entrance is probably the most affected— but there are already precursors of patina and decay. There is no arguing that this mansion has seen better days, imposing as it still is.

Suzaku stops and stares like a tourist. He feels like one, too. Nothing gives him a sense of familiarity or a sense of being here before. He feels less and less like he's about to walk down memory lane and more like he's an interloper trespassing on foreign property. Seeing the place you grew up in after years shouldn't feel like nothing at all.

Not only that, but Suzaku didn't expect it to be this big. Its sheer size screams prestige and wealth, and stands at odds with what Suzaku has seen of his life so far. But all things considered, he should have expected it. This had been the prime minister's home, and Lelouch had referred to it as a mansion right from the beginning. But despite that, Suzaku couldn't shake off the image of a homey, nondescript house. Something that would at least tangentially match his current living situation. He has a hard time believing he went from something this luxurious to a tiny and barren apartment.

His eyes flicker from the main building to the dojo a few feet away and back to Lelouch. While he's still excited to be here, he wonders if he wouldn't be better off deciding that this is enough and return home. If he walked away now, he could still cling to the images and impressions in his head. Reality tended to underwhelm Suzaku with unrelenting frequency, and he is very aware that this could be yet another disappointment stacked on top of all the other ones. He might trade ignorance for disappointment.

He'd always wonder and would never have surety, but he might prefer that to the truth, which would be final and unrelenting, robbing him of this possibility of hoping. Ignorance would let him believe what he wants to believe and be happy in not knowing better.

But Lelouch already walks past him, brushing weeds and vines out of his way. He stops on the threshold as the wooden floor creaks in protest, and surveys it with a glower, testing its brittleness with a few careful steps.

"Too wabi-sabi for you?" Suzaku asks when he walks up to him, joking, and trying to build up his determination. _This trip would be worthless if we went back now_, Suzaku reminds himself. And he will not be ungrateful to Lelouch; it's a gift from him, after all.

"That word doesn't really fit," Lelouch replies, eyeing a big spider web. "Imperfect, yes, but nothing about this is modest."

_I wasn't serious._ "Well, then. Ready to go into the lion's den?"

Against his expectations, Lelouch steps down from the porch. "Have fun."

Suzaku looks after him in puzzlement. "You don't want to go in?"

Lelouch shakes his head, and pulls out his phone. "I have no nostalgia for this building."

"Didn't you say you were living here for a while, too?"

"Never in this building."

Unsure, Suzaku looks between him and the house. Lelouch does that very often, saying something cryptic and then letting it hang in the air.

He looks up from his phone when Suzaku hasn't moved after a minute. "I assure you, all the nostalgia I have for this place lies more within the people I spent that time with. I have some very nice memories from here, but none involve this house."

"I won't be long," Suzaku answers, and means it now that he knows that this won't be a shared experience.

The door is unlocked, to Suzaku's surprise. Habit makes him want to remove his shoes before entering, but he suppresses the urge and steps in. It doesn't matter anymore.

* * *

><p>Empty rooms, mostly. Suzaku can deal with empty rooms; he has practice by now.<p>

It's spacious, with enough branching paths to make him feel like he stepped into a little labyrinth. It's a labyrinth with nothing in it, though, and makes Suzaku feel lost for a different reason.

Only a handful of rooms are identifiable without any furniture in it: bathrooms, adjacent rooms with a Japanese toilet in it, the kitchen. The rooms that matter the most offer no insight as to what they might have been. It is impossible to identify the living room, his parents' room, or Suzaku's own room in their naked walls.

Most of the things that made this a home are gone. Only the skeleton is left. From the outside the mansion seemed to have nothing in common with Suzaku's apartment, but not so from the inside. Here, it's equally bare and useless. Equally depressing. Every footstep leaves a loud echo in the emptiness.

He pays close attention to the smell here. Of all the senses, isn't smell the one tied strongest to memory? Suzaku is concentrating, but while pleasant if vaguely dusty, the smell does nothing for him.

One room sets itself apart from the rest by having actually something in it. A big desk stands in its center. All of the desk's drawers are gone, and one of its legs is missing, rendering it stuck in a perpetual kneeling position. Behind it looms a bookshelf that spans across one wall, but as big as it is, it only contains a single book. It's a bright room otherwise, with large windows and its blinds in tatters.

Curious, Suzaku zeroes in on the one book perched on the massive shelf. When he touches it, a small cloud of dust rises up from it, making his eyes water. Blinking and trying not to sneeze, he looks at the bleached-out beige cover. Its Japanese title is written in seal script, Suzaku notes, and it takes him a moment to make out the first character as it is slightly distorted by the style of calligraphy. 文楽, its title reads. _Bunraku_.

Suzaku pauses to think, but he realizes he knows very little about bunraku besides the very basics. It's a form of Japanese puppet theater. It's unique in the way that the puppeteers are on the stage along with the puppets they wield. But they're usually not actors and tend to wear black hoods, appearing like sentient shadows huddling around the star of the show. Because the puppets are so big, they usually require three people to handle: one for the head, one for the left hand, one for the legs. That's all Suzaku knows. He can't imagine he was all that interested in theater.

Upon opening the book, a pleasant smell wafts from its pages. But as old as the book seems to be, its spine is free of creases, its pages yellowing only at the edges.

Page 242 stares up at him where he expected to see the preface. Embarrassed, he opens the book at the other end. _Right to left. Right._

He reads at a staccato-esque pace. Some customs of Britannia might not have left their mark, but this one certainly has. He feels like he has to wipe cobwebs off the kanji processing part of his brain, like it has gone into hibernation next to the easier script of Britannian. Logograms are always more difficult to remember than phonograms, but this is his mother tongue, and it shouldn't feel this sluggish and dormant.

Passive knowledge carries him through the sentences, rusty as it may be. He traces the shape of some kanji in the air with his finger, hesitant at first, but gaining confidence with each stroke. _Ah yes, that's what it is_, he thinks with most, but hits a complete blank with a few others.

His joy at discovering a latent skill is short-lived. Before soon, the paragraphs get flooded with technical terms, and his eyes flicker across the pages without taking their message in. It's a boring book, besides. Longwinded and losing itself in a bloated rhetoric.

In a strange way, Suzaku doesn't feel really adequate to read this. He doesn't feel all that Japanese anymore. Being unable to comfortably read this only fortifies that feeling. _It's a difficult book_, he tells himself, but it doesn't alleviate the feeling that he came up wanting, that he failed a personal and self-imposed, yet important test.

Giving up, he snaps the book shut and moves to deposit it, disappointed— both at the book and at himself— but hesitates. This could be his one chance to get something from his parents. And it looks so lonely and forgotten on this shelf. In a way, that makes him appreciate it more; it stirs a strange, anthropomorphized empathy in him.

By all accounts, it should be his. It only catches dust here. Suzaku is not much of a reader, he doesn't think, but that is irrelevant. He will take it with him not to read it, but to _own_ it. As a souvenir, as a flimsy link to his parents, or even as another book to put between himself and the gun.

Clamping it under his arm, he feels like a grave robber for a brief moment before the notion passes. He nods to himself, not satisfied, but not empty-handed, either. Turning his back on the kneeling desk and the empty bookshelf, he makes his way towards the exit.

He finds nothing of his parents. Besides a few bulky pieces of furniture and the book he picked up, the Kururugi mansion has nothing to offer its former resident. Not even nostalgia reaches this place. And if Suzaku really had a falling out with his parents, then he has nothing more to gain here.

He finds nothing of himself either.

* * *

><p>Suzaku's steps are slow when he leaves the mansion. He gives himself enough time to take in everything with a keen eye. For all its lush vegetation and inherent beauty, this idyllic place can never be what it was or what Suzaku wants it to be. So he tries to carve this into his memory: the smell of the old wood, the slight humidity on his skin, this husk of a house drowning in the nature around it, the sadness of having nothing to be nostalgic over.<p>

There's no reason to ever come back here again.

Lelouch stands in a contrapposto pose a few feet away from the entrance, looking off into the distance, phone in hand. Upon noticing Suzaku, he starts to say something, but stops himself. Suzaku's face must have spoken volumes.

"Are you taking that with you? What is it?"

Suzaku holds the book out towards him. "It's about bunraku."

"Bunraku? How… quaint. If I were you, I would pilfer a more useful book."

"It was the only book left there." He shakes his head, not liking his answer. "I want to keep it. It belonged to my parents, and beside that, I really don't have anything left of them."

Lelouch looks confused. "You have an old pocket watch that your father used to own."

"I do?"

"You don't have it anymore?"

Suzaku shakes his head in frustration, and looks at the book in his hands. Now it feels a lot more like a shoddy consolation prize. _So I had something from my parents after all? Did I lose it?_

"That pocket watch saved your life once. It blocked the bullet when your squad leader shot you."

Suzaku looks up, not comprehending. "What?"

A peculiar, twisted smile meets his gaze. "Britannia has such a wonderful regime, hasn't it? Fair and just to all its people. To all its blind sheep."

"Back up for a moment. My squad leader shot me?"

"Yes," Lelouch answers. "I was there. I saw where the bullet hit." He makes a motion towards the area of Suzaku's hips. Suzaku doesn't mean to, but he still flinches back.

_Oh_, Suzaku thinks through his disbelief. _That's what that scar is._

Lelouch gives him an expectant look as if he's ready to combat more disbelief on his part, but once Suzaku digested that piece of information, he doesn't feel argumentative at all. _I can't refute anything,_ he thinks, not quite ready to believe that Lelouch isn't exaggerating. He doesn't disbelieve him per se, but Lelouch displayed too much axe-grinding and grudges in that regard that Suzaku thinks it's not above him to twist the truth a tiny bit. At the very least, Suzaku wants there to be more to the story.

"Maybe Miss Cécile and Lloyd know where I put the pocket watch," Suzaku says, both to change the topic and to give himself a reminder for later.

"Asking can't hurt," Lelouch says with a shrug, and again looks off into the distance, apparently disappointed. "By the way, it will be pretty late when we get back. You can crash at my place if you want."

That offer comes out of nowhere, and Suzaku finds himself wholly unprepared for it. _He doesn't mean anything more by that, right?_ Lelouch is casual about this, and Suzaku can't imagine he hinted at anything, but on the off chance that this really is a clumsy—

"It's really no problem. I have a guest room," Lelouch adds, misinterpreting Suzaku's long silence.

_Ah, okay_, he thinks, and can't quite figure out how he feels about that. "Didn't you say you were busy yesterday?"

Lelouch throws him a baleful look. "If you don't want to, just say so."

"I wasn't declining."

"Then don't be ungrateful," Lelouch says, and doesn't even react when Suzaku thanks him, turning away to look off into the same distance again.

Suzaku tries to see what Lelouch has so fixated, but he can't see past a row of trees. "Is there still something you want to do here?"

Lelouch opens his mouth looking as though he means to decline, but thinks better of it. "Actually, yes." He starts in a direction towards the woods, and hesitates, making sure that Suzaku is following. "It's not very far."

_So you have something to come back to after all_. "No problem," Suzaku says, more than happy that this excursion has become less one-sided.

He doesn't spare the house or the dojo he hasn't been to another glance. Without turning, Suzaku gives the estate a nod in a strange ritual of saying goodbye. He feels a bit sad about this, like slamming the door on something that was never quite there, but this place has nothing for him anymore and he will accept that.

Once more he focuses on the person who ties his old and new life together. If Suzaku absolutely had to choose between something new to look forward to and having something old to fall back on, he probably wouldn't have changed a thing.

He does not look back. His steps are light, and the book weighs almost nothing. If he wants to, he can almost pretend that he isn't holding onto something from his past.

* * *

><p>Lelouch leads him through thick woods along a dirty, misshapen path full of roots and pebbles. 'It's not very far' translates to an arduous trek through the thicket that takes even longer than the route to the house.<p>

Lelouch huffs and puffs, but trudges along without any complaints. Suzaku doesn't begrudge him of anything that he wants to see here, but hopes that the detour will be worth it. By the time they get back, it'll probably be dark.

At last, they stop before it. And "it" is the best description for what they see: a victim of a landslide lies at the end of their path. A few pieces of splintered wood peek out from underneath dirt and soil, but most of it lies buried. Very little remains of what might have been a little storehouse once.

_Well, that was worth it_, Suzaku thinks, and is ready to joke about it, but Lelouch's expression stops him. He has his eyes fixed on the little ruin, staring motionlessly. "Is something…" Suzaku asks, but trails off when Lelouch moves closer towards it.

With an indiscernible expression, he kneels to pick up a little piece of splintered wood. It's a very thin piece, and he twirls it in his fingers like something valuable and rare before gripping it with both hands. Lelouch's thin arms tense and shake with exertion. The piece snaps in two. Then, without moving a muscle in his face, he watches the two pieces fall to the ground. They make almost no sound when they plop onto the soft dirt, but nevertheless Lelouch seems enthralled.

For a long time Lelouch keeps on staring at something that isn't there anymore. For a long time Suzaku watches him look at nothing.

"We're done here," Lelouch eventually says, and turns to go.

Something dislodges in Suzaku then, and it makes him bold. He catches up to Lelouch and lightly bumps into him, not to annoy or tease him but to show him that he's here.

Suzaku can only guess as to what Lelouch expected to find. But he understands how it feels when something is taken away from you that you thought would last forever. That you thought would be there for you forever.

* * *

><p>Suzaku is somber after that trip to nowhere familiar. Lelouch is too, and dozes off again mere minutes after they boarded the train. Suzaku watches the sun setting in the horizon, giving the world an orange hue that turns darker by the minute. Every once in a while, he looks at the book in his hands, but he feels little incentive to try reading it again.<p>

This time Suzaku is braver, and he sat close enough to Lelouch so that their legs touch. It's possible that Lelouch didn't notice, but Suzaku likes to think he did and welcomed it. Either way, Suzaku feels like he's making progress. If nothing else, this trip has helped him alleviate a lot of his prior reservations.

_You spent the whole day with me_, he thinks.

Idly and without much direction, he thinks about his life, about his losses, about his relationship with Lelouch. And without much intent, he thinks about sex.

The thoughts are kept abstract and harmless. After all, he doesn't want to embarrass himself on a public train. Plus, thinking about Lelouch that way would feel weird, Suzaku is sure, because for all intents and purposes Lelouch has so far only treated him like a friend.

But he's working into this headspace. The fact that Lelouch spent time with him after all— in fact practically wasted an entire day to do him a favor— makes Suzaku feel bolder, more intent on taking their platonic relationship further. He's not nearly as skittish about the prospect of this as he had been before.

Everything else about his life seems to fall into place or fall apart, but his relationship stays at an impasse. Lelouch seems to be content in this passivity. Suzaku was fine with that for the last few days, but now he's making his way over that hurdle, and would like to reclaim that aspect of his life. Not only that, but it seems to be the only aspect of his life with an auspicious prospect— one that doesn't involve terrorism or lies.

And if Lelouch is only so laissez-faire about their relationship because he waits for a silent okay from him, then Suzaku will do that and play instigator. He won't be afraid of that role.

* * *

><p>After disembarking the train, Lelouch leads him through what must be the nicest part of the city towards a beautiful house. While not quite as affluent as the mansion they visited earlier, this house has its own charm and is definitely a cut above what most homeowners can call their own. The homey foyer only reinforces that feeling.<p>

"Wow. This is really nice."

"I'm house-sitting for a friend. I own nothing here."

"Lucky," Suzaku says, and stares at what appears to be a collection of cuckoo clocks.

"I'm glad I don't have to go to the Ashford dormitories for a while. A few days ago someone tried to follow me when I left school." Lelouch dismisses Suzaku's questioning look with a shrug, and opens the door towards the living room. "I would return to an empty apartment anyway."

"I know that feeling."

They share a glance for a tiny moment. Lelouch is the first to look away, and Suzaku wonders whether he is the only one who feels like they shared something there. Some kind of companionship that they found today. Or maybe Lelouch knew all along, and Suzaku was the one who had to rediscover it.

* * *

><p>Lelouch is taciturn when he shows Suzaku the rest of the house. Afterwards, they prepare dinner together with Lelouch doing most of the work and him following simple instructions. Somehow they create something delicious without Suzaku really understanding how.<p>

"I have somewhere to go tonight," Lelouch tells him when they watch the news on TV, lounging on a comfortable couch. "Don't be surprised if I'm not here in the middle of the night."

"You still have to be somewhere this late?" A look at the clock shows Suzaku that it's almost ten p.m. "What do you need to do?"

"I need to make a few more preparations for rescuing Nunnally. We will set out soon."

_Ah. Of course. _"Do you want me to accompany you?"

"No," Lelouch says at once, and the way he didn't even need to think twice about it surprises and hurts Suzaku. But Lelouch's next sentence rids him of those feelings. "Everyone would recognize you. I need to be stealthy."

Suzaku can't argue with that. Being Princess Euphemia's knight must have killed any and all anonymity he might have had. "Be careful."

"Don't wait up. I might be gone all night, and I want you to be on top of your game in the next few days."

Suzaku hums in response, and looks at the TV again without taking anything in. He probably has no reason to worry about Lelouch. After all, Lelouch should know better than anyone else how to take care of himself and stay under the radar. It's practically in his job description.

Another thing comes to his mind: the fact that he spent this much time with Lelouch and they still haven't talked about their relationship. Suzaku had ample opportunity to ask him throughout the day, but despite that he kept his mouth shut, and they covered all that distance sidestepping the issue. Maybe it's all clear as day for Lelouch, but Suzaku needs it to be unambiguous.

_Instigator_, Suzaku reminds himself, and tries to battle down his nervousness.

"Can I ask you a couple of questions before you go?"

"Of course. What would you like to know?"

Suzaku snatches the remote from the low table, and turns the TV off. He shuffles closer to Lelouch so that their knees almost touch. Lelouch look at him with attentiveness, probably sensing that this is important to Suzaku.

_Let's begin with the easy stuff. _"I want to thank you for today. That meant a lot to me."

"That was not a question."

Suzaku mock-glares at him. "I mean it. I'm trying to thank you here."

Lelouch shrugs in response. He looks pleased though, and that is all Suzaku wanted to accomplish anyway. "Don't mention it. Now, what did you want to ask?

"You said that we have been dating for one month now?" Suzaku asks awkwardly, although he knows he remembers correctly.

"That's right."

Already at a loss for words, Suzaku wishes that he had planned a speech or a course of action in his head beforehand. But by now Lelouch must expect that sometimes Suzaku needs to stumble through his sentences before something cohesive comes out. _Come on, this isn't so difficult._

"What kind of relationship did we have? I mean," he flounders when Lelouch raises one eyebrow. "Is it serious?"

Lelouch looks the most incredulous Suzaku has ever seen him. "Was there ever any doubt?"

"No, no. I'm just making sure." _I wanted you to say it_.

Suzaku looks down at his hands. As clumsy as he is with this, and as much as he must have befuddled Lelouch with that question, it was all worth it to get this reassurance. There_ had_ never been any doubt, and Lelouch would have completely flabbergasted him if he had said otherwise, but Suzaku still needed it to be out in the open and set in stone. After all, his one-week-life is built on a pillar around that fact.

But it's the next question that has him so nervous, and he stalls, hoping he won't annoy Lelouch with his indecisiveness. When Suzaku manages to look up again, Lelouch watches him with curiosity, maybe slightly confused, but all the same indulging him and his internal pep talk. _Well, there's no helping it. Close your eyes and jump into the fray. _

"Did we sleep with each other?"

Lelouch's Adam's apple bobs.

For a few seconds that's the sole reaction he has, and Suzaku witnesses how he processes the question in what seems like slow-motion. His eyebrow twitches once before realization makes him open his eyes wide, and he averts his face in haste. It's Lelouch's turn to look at his hands.

It comes with a small amount of delight that Suzaku is able to see Lelouch embarrassed for once. Disregarding a few instances in which Lelouch's temper shone through, most of the time he's very close to the epitome of composed and in control in Suzaku's mind. Seeing haughty, calm Lelouch this way is its own reward.

At last Lelouch clears his throat. "Yes, we did. It… we haven't done it very often, but… we did," he says, stumbling over his words for once. When he looks up and sees Suzaku's small amused smile, his expression turns affronted. "Do keep your schadenfreude to yourself."

Suzaku can't suppress a laugh, scratching his cheek. It's hot under his finger, but that's okay because Lelouch is red in the face, too. "You don't have to be embarrassed. We're both in this, aren't we?"

Lelouch makes an "ugh" sound, sinking into the couch, and Suzaku can't help but laugh again. At once all his nervousness leaves him, and any dread he previously had about this conversation dissipates. For all the hardships in his life, his doubts in regards to the Black Knights, and his brief and disastrous career as a knight, he is so very grateful that Lelouch is here with him. "I'm sorry for having to ask that. I wasn't sure, you know?"

Lelouch doesn't answer him. He still seems disgruntled and put on the spot.

Suzaku sighs. "I'm sorry for this whole mess. It would be so much easier if I could just remember everything."

"It's not your fault," Lelouch tells him, and manages to sit upright and look him in the eye again. Maybe Suzaku's placation mollified him.

"Yeah, but I'm really sorry that I'm causing you so much trouble."

Lelouch doesn't smile, but he has a gentle, almost fond expression in his face. "Don't apologize. You're worth the trouble."

_That's the nicest thing you've said to me since I woke up._

It clicks then. Suzaku doesn't know what "it" is, but it does.

Emboldened and slightly light-headed, he reaches out— _too soon?—_to grab Lelouch's shoulder. Lelouch for his part watches him, not moving, but not bothered by the hand on his shoulder either. _No, not too soon_, Suzaku decides, and cups Lelouch's cheek with his other hand.

He does not react. Something in his face might have changed, but if it did, it was minuscule. Suzaku waits one, two, three more seconds before wetting his lips and tilting his head. He leans in.

Lelouch's lips are warm. Suzaku closes his eyes, breathing through his nose and taking his smell in. It's a smell he can't quite pinpoint, fresh and masculine. Suzaku shifts his weight, getting more comfortable, and enjoying this artless first contact.

_What do you like? _Suzaku wonders, and moves his lips in a tiny circular motion against Lelouch's, trying to coax him into a reaction now that the surprise should wear off any second. _Did we kiss like this?_

But Lelouch's lips remain still and unyielding. His hands remain limp at his side. Growing unsure, Suzaku waits a few more seconds for him to do something, anything at all, before opening his eyes.

Blinking and looking like this was sprung up on him out of nowhere, Lelouch stares back. He does not at all seem like he's enjoying himself.

Feeling like he made a mistake, Suzaku retreats, drawing both of his hands back. "What's wrong? Did I…?"

Lelouch gives a broken-looking shake of his head. "I…" he trails off, shakes his head, and then tries again. "I… wasn't expecting this so soon. You just surprised me." He straightens his collar and clears his throat, and with those actions it seems like he regains his bearings. Calm, composed Lelouch meets Suzaku's worried face head-on. "It almost feels like you're a different person. I have to get reacquainted with you, too. And I told you, we were friends before we became more than that. I guess I reverted back into that mindset."

_Ah, that's the problem_, Suzaku thinks in relief, having assumed much worse. _I guess I misinterpreted his signals. _If Lelouch needs more time to get used to him again, then Suzaku is more than happy to oblige him. And it's probably better this way seeing as Suzaku's newfound determination is only a few hours old. They can stumble back into this together.

Suzaku decides he will not apologize for kissing him because he really isn't sorry. "How am I different?"

Lelouch hums in contemplation. "You're more straightforward and honest. Also, a bit more innocent. Those aren't bad changes, of course, and you'll probably become more like you had been before as time goes by, but for the time being it's strange for me. You remind me of your ten-year old self, actually."

"The one that punched you?"

He cracks a smile, and all traces of tension that remained between them vanish. "Yes. But I befriended him anyway."

As far as first kisses go— it wasn't, but Suzaku will ignore that for now— it could have gone a lot worse. Suzaku will be satisfied with what he got, and will look forward to when Lelouch will meet him halfway. At any rate, he's glad some kind of progress happened.

And then, in a hasty split-second decision, Suzaku smashes their comfortable atmosphere:

"Were we in love?"

As soon as he speaks these words, he wished he hadn't. But he can't take it back now that the question hangs between them.

Lelouch stills beside him, and Suzaku doesn't want to know anymore. It doesn't matter whether Lelouch says "yes" or "no"; he would feel bad either way. For something lost between them or for something that was never there.

Lelouch's face is low, his eyes unfixed in contemplation. He looks like he has to work out a difficult puzzle. Maybe he does.

"I don't know," he finally says.

* * *

><p>End of chapter 5<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass nor do I claim that I do. This was written solely for my own entertainment, and serves no other purpose.

Warning(s) for this chapter: strong language, violence, blood, a bit of gore

Notes:

1. First of all, a grand round of applause for **Persephone1 **for offering to beta this chapter for me! That is so kind and awesome of her, and I'm absolutely stocked about it!  
>2. I also want to thank <strong>Muckraker<strong> for everything that she has done for me up until this chapter. I will always be grateful for that.  
>3. I kind of fell over and couldn't get up again. But I'm better now.<br>4. Drew a cover for this story. I might replace it later, but for now it'll do. A link to a bigger version is in my profile.  
>5. I flip-flopped on this for a long time, but eventually decided against ending on a cliffhanger. As a result, this chapter is <em>long<em>.

* * *

><p><strong>Blank Slate<strong>

Chapter 6 (October, 27th, 2013)

* * *

><p>A cacophony of <em>cuckoo cuckoo<em> wakes him up. Suzaku stares up at an unfamiliar ceiling, feeling disoriented and trying to blink the sleep out of his eyes. _The cuckoo clocks in the foyer._ _Lelouch let me crash at his place_, he remembers with a wordless grumble, and rubs his face until the noise subsides. He hasn't slept well.

His transition to wakefulness is not nearly as smooth as it was yesterday, and he takes his time to lounge under the unfamiliar blanket, looking at the room in a different light now that the sunshine spills in. It's a nice room, appearing more lived-in than your standard guestroom with little knick-knacks everywhere and alphabetized books stacked on a neat bookshelf. All in all, Suzaku already feels at home here. _That's a first, _he thinks, and marvels at the fact that it took a stranger's house to give him that impression. It's basically everything he wished his old home had been. Only the address is wrong.

He shakes his head, not wanting to dwell on that any longer.

Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster, and Suzaku allows himself to laze around for a few minutes and relive the events before his inner eye. Despite trying to, he hasn't been able to stop worrying about Lelouch, wondering about where he had to go on that impromptu night trip and whether everything went according to plan, especially considering he flat-out refused to let Suzaku accompany him.

Suzaku also couldn't stop thinking about the things that transpired before he left. They might not have left on the best of notes, but that shouldn't negate all the progress they have made.

Lingering in bed won't give him answers though, so he smoothes the bed sheets, and folds the blanket before trudging over to the bathroom. He emerges from it feeling fresher, but no more rested.

The sound of clicking and tinkering drifts over from the kitchen along with Lelouch's voice, and Suzaku breathes a sigh of relief, making his way towards the noise. At least his worries that something could have happened to Lelouch were completely unfounded. He hopes that Lelouch got at least some amount of sleep, and…

Suzaku stops.

Time slows. Standing still, muscles coiled, he looks around in bewilderment.

_What…?_

Any and all semblance of his prior tranquility is gone, and he crosses his arms over his chest— a visceral reaction— feeling goose bumps. All instinct, his eyes flicker around as he stands there in the hallway, only going by this unspoken promise in the air:

Something's wrong.

It's debilitating, some sort of palsy, but even as his heart is beating wildly and all his inner alarm bells are going off, he sees nothing but a harmless, normal hallway. It can't be because it looks different in the morning, now devoid of artificial light that gave it a paltry look yesterday. It's white-walled and bright, filled with pictures of people he has never seen. For a moment, he looks for Lelouch in them, but isn't surprised when can't find him among the unfamiliar faces. A vase sits like a tiny king on a small pedestal. A row of windows and closed doors point towards the kitchen, the path framed by potted plants.

Nothing lurks behind the windows. No shadows flit from corner to corner. Everything is as it should be— the hallway neither expanded to allow this sort of echo in his ears, making his every breath reverberate, nor did it shrink to justify the sudden sense of claustrophobia.

Nevertheless, he can't shake off the feeling of wrongness, and once more tries to look for the normalcy. When he holds his breath, he can hear the cuckoo clocks ticking in the foyer along with Lelouch's muffled voice. When he inclines his head, he can feel the sun rays reaching through one of the windows. It doesn't help.

_This is ridiculous_. Here he is in this nice house after making not negligible progress with his boyfriend, but instead of having a nice and relaxed morning, he stands here and gets freaked out over his own senses, counting shadows and mapping out escape routes. If anyone really _is_ watching him, they are probably shaking their head by now.

Fed up and running out of patience with himself, he takes a step forward, only to stop again. This time not by reflexes, but by what he sees: one door is open, revealing a bedroom and— like a mirage swaying in the air— a person therein.

She sees him, too.

_Oh_, he thinks in befuddlement. _Were you there all along? _ How had he neither seen the open door nor the woman sitting on the bed? Either he's losing his mind or he isn't as awake as he thought.

But before he can relax completely, an epiphany hits him. It isn't accompanied by a musical cue or any such fanfare, but it might as well have.

_You_, he thinks in a pinpoint moment of clarity. A puzzle piece thought lost snaps into place.

_I know you._

As though in a trance, driven now with a sense of understanding and nascent excitement, he walks towards her. The woman watches him, unmoving.

_I know you_, he thinks again. And he knows exactly who she is, even if he can't attach a name to her face. He can hear Lelouch in the kitchen, but Suzaku ignores him for the time being, going towards this newfound silver lining. This is where his every answer lies.

When he crosses the threshold—

His head bangs against the door. Flinching in pain, he almost topples over, but manages to catch himself in time. He checks his hands for blood, finds none, and then looks up again in disorientation. A closed door looms before him.

_What? But I saw her through the… what? _Hesitant now because he has no idea what just happened, but still resolute despite the pain, he begins to open it.

And she's there, sitting on a bed, all languid with yellow eyes and neon green hair. She holds a slice of pizza aloft, frozen in the motion of eating it. If there's a particular emotion on her face, Suzaku cannot read it. He approaches her, undeterred because this is it, this is what he had wanted to wake up to when he had opened his eyes to a white hospital ceiling: clarity, reason, a key to regain it all.

_You are the poison from the container_, he thinks. _Rising in a mushroom cloud and scattering._

He was ready to breathe it all in, and pressed his gas mask against someone else's face. Pushed him to the ground, let him have the filtered air while Suzaku watched the poison gas billow and spread. He was fine with breathing it all in. Because he had found an old friend. Because he was not afraid to die.

"You…" he begins, ready to tell her all of this, share this moment of discovery, but trails off when he realizes all the words he wants to say have no meaning.

It's gone.

Whatever was in his head a few seconds ago, it isn't anymore. As if waking up from a long dream, he blinks owlishly at her, fishing for knowledge that isn't there. _You are the poison_, he thinks again, but this time it doesn't feel as axiomatic or sensible as it did before. The thoughts themselves are there, but they became improbable and mystifying in the span of a few seconds, none weave a coherent or even a plausible story anymore. It's all slipping through his fingers.

As for her, she still watches him with a slice of pizza between her hands and mouth, and waits for him to sort himself out, indulging their awkward mutual staring with patience. She's a stranger again.

"Uh…" His mouth opens only to close again. As she's watching him like that, he can't help but think of a snake, maybe biding her time. Maybe waiting for him to make the first mistake.

One piece of salami falls onto the white linen. She chews once, twice, and then her features slacken to look annoyed. "Are you lost, little boy?"

_No, I know where I am. I know where the kitchen is._

_Always, though I might have known once._

_I was, but I'm working on it._

"I'm a guest," he ends up saying because that strikes him as the most logical answer. This is all very surreal, and he would try to be friendlier, but he's still battling with his own head. _I know her, right? I was so sure a moment ago._

"No," she tells him, head shaking. "You have a different role. You are never just a guest."

He frowns, bemused more than ever. "Do I know you?" he asks, because that is a question that seems more than fitting. He can't place her, and he's sure that Lelouch would have mentioned it if there was anyone else staying with them. "Are you the owner of this house?"

She stares at him, incredulous, looking as confused as Suzaku feels.

"I'm sorry. I have amnesia. I forgot everything," he adds, because that's something he should have mentioned right from the start. And they _have_ met, haven't they? How else would Suzaku know that she's... the poison from the container? _Did that ever make sense?_

"But he already used…" she says, cutting through his train of thought. Her forehead begins to crease. "Are you sure you're welcome here?"

Lost, not just by this whole experience, but also by the way this conversation is going, he begins to fidget. _Why wouldn't I be welcome?_

Then, in a burst of angry and loud noise, he hears Lelouch's voice from the kitchen. Something clatters to the floor in a sharp sound that echoes through the whole house. Suzaku whirls around on reflex, but can't see anything beyond this room. He turns back to the woman.

It's then that he sees her for the first time, really sees her— she's half naked.

Flushing, because he truly hadn't noticed, and she's only wearing an oversized t-shirt that does a poor job of covering anything, he backs away towards the door. "Sorry! I didn't… " _I didn't notice. I haven't woken up properly yet. Something is wrong with my head._

Almost stumbling over his own feet in his haste, he exits the room before she can do much more than raise one eyebrow. The door shuts with a click— _it had been open all this time. It had to have been open. I walked into a wall or something—_ and he stands alone in the hallway again, heart racing, confused and embarrassed.

_What was that?_

_Did I remember something?_

Feeling helpless, he looks around himself, but the oppressing discomfort he felt earlier is gone. The hallway is innocuous again, filled with pictures of smiling strangers. Suzaku looks at the wallpaper around him one last time to find some semblance of logic or sense. He lost it somewhere.

At last he gives up, and rubs his aching forehead with his eyes closed. _I didn't remember anything, _he decides. _I was still half asleep, and I imagined what I wanted to be true. I was so out of it, I didn't even notice that woman._

His head is empty. There's no revelation lurking in its depths. Nor can he say with any conviction that he was ever onto something. Now that it has passed without leaving any traces, it seems like a fever dream, a particularly bad case of wonky brain chemicals. _Can you sleepwalk with both eyes wide open?_

He shakes his head, and tries to ignore the disappointment and how he feels deprived of the chance to regain a part of his former life. After all, he only has himself to blame for chasing the tail end of some make-believe hope.

As he backs away from the door and makes his way towards the kitchen, he stops as an entirely different thought hits him: _wasn't that Lelouch's bedroom?_

* * *

><p>After that break with reality, he makes his way towards the sounds from the kitchen, nursing his headache and checking thrice that he doesn't walk into another door.<p>

A phone lies face down on the ground when Suzaku steps into the kitchen. Lelouch towers above it, looking like he's deciding whether to stomp on it for good measure. His clothes are rumpled and, if Suzaku doesn't misremember, they are the same from yesterday.

"Good… morning?" Suzaku greets him.

Lelouch doesn't return the greeting, and instead throws a glare at Suzaku, teeth flashing. "If it weren't for—" He breaks off, and his gaze drops back to the phone on the ground.

Alarmed, Suzaku takes a step towards him. "Did something happen?"

In response Lelouch gives a despondent half-shrug, and heaves a deep sigh before gesticulating towards the ground. "I threw it," he says in lieu of an actual explanation. "Don't worry about it." When he bends to pick it up again, Suzaku can see cracks in the shape of a spider web on its screen. The phone still seems to work though, and casts a bluish glow on Lelouch's face.

Suzaku looks at him in worry. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." The answer comes out in a hiss.

Suzaku has seen flashes of his temper before, but he thinks not even yesterday when he talked with Kallen was Lelouch this angry. As though he's circling a cornered animal, Suzaku moves slowly, never taking his eyes off of him, and sits down on one of the wooden chairs. "What happened?"

Lelouch sets the cracked phone aside in favor of rubbing the bridge of his nose. The stress and exhaustion practically radiate off of him. "I need to think."

_What in the world happened? Something with the Black Knights? _"Can I help in any way?" _I can't do anything if you don't tell me what's wrong._

"Talk about something else. I need to make up my mind about something before I can tell you."

"Uh," Suzaku begins, but feels wholly unprepared to begin idle chatter. He feels like he's reeling from it, first that strange encounter with the woman and now Lelouch's topsy-turvy demeanor. Whatever he expected to wake up to after the kiss yesterday, this certainly wasn't it.

Lelouch gives an angry sigh at his phone, but he seems calmer now, and sinks into himself rather than brim with another wave of anger. "Nevermind. Do you want something for breakfast?"

Suzaku is already halfway out of his chair. "I can get something myself."

"I'm the host. Sit down." Lelouch insists, and the tone of his voice leaves no room for discussion.

Suzaku slumps back down. He watches in silence as Lelouch rummages through the drawers, finding his way around in this unfamiliar kitchen, and looking at the cutlery with invested interest. Two forks and a knife seem to have failed his inspection as he moves to rinse them under the faucet.

Suzaku feels himself hesitant and cautious where to tread. _What topic would be safe?_ "I didn't sleep that well," he starts for a lack of better ideas.

"Was the bed too soft?" Lelouch asks the cutlery.

"I was worried about you."

"Unnecessarily."

Suzaku looks at his hands, and tries not to take Lelouch's aloofness personally. It's almost as though the entirety of yesterday hadn't happened. What a strange, surreal morning this has been so far. Strange to the point that Suzaku would say that it's all a dream, but he already ran into a door to rob him of that illusion. And to be fair, his whole life has been pretty surreal life so far.

Maybe talking about that strange woman will distract Lelouch from whatever is bothering him. That woman is a mystery that Suzaku doesn't want to leave unsolved, and besides, he can't think of anything else to fill the silence with. Maybe they can even have a proper, less awkward introduction, and afterwards they can focus on whatever brought Lelouch close to destroying his phone.

"Why was there a half naked woman on your bed?" Suzaku asks, and regrets his choice of words at once. He didn't mean to make it sound accusing when there's most likely a harmless explanation to it all.

For a brief moment Lelouch looks up in confusion. "You met CC? I didn't know she had returned already. If she said something strange to you, simply ignore it." He shakes his head, and then turns back to his cupboards. "I don't have anything here to make a proper Japanese breakfast. Would you like some cereal? If you say no, I won't be able to offer anything else," he continues, not even tangentially answering Suzaku's question.

_Did he dodge that question on purpose? _Suzaku tries not to frown. "I'll… I'll take whatever. Don't change the subject."

"We had a subject?"Lelouch looks at him quizzically.

"Is she the owner of this house?"

Lelouch gives a sudden snort, and shakes his head. "Oh, no. That would be the day… I think she likes the role as the annoying freeloader way too much for that. Don't worry about her. She's a bit strange."

"Is she your friend?" She didn't look like she was related to him.

"You could say that." The phone vibrates then and Lelouch makes a grab for it, looking with rapt attention at its display.

Any other time, Suzaku would give him his space, but as it is now, he's starting to get unsettled. "Okay, but what was she doing half naked and eating pizza on your bed?" he asks again.

"I told her to stop doing that. She'll leave crumbs everywhere," Lelouch says absentmindedly, and types something into his phone. "She has a few odd quirks such as sleeping in my bed. And borrowing my credit card. She takes some getting used to before you realize she is a good person at the core."

Suzaku stares at him in absolute incredulity. _Did he just—_ "She _sleeps_ in your bed!?" _I must have misheard him or something._

Lelouch looks up from his phone, finally noticing how the conversation is derailing. "Don't jump to conclusions. Nothing is going on between us."

Suzaku tries to see the logic in that, but fails. "But you _let _her sleep in your bed? Right next to you?"_ I thought… I thought that was _my_ spot._

Lelouch sighs. "Look, she is not someone that I can easily get rid of. And I don't_ let_ her sleep in my bed. She simply decided that this is how it's going to be, and I've long since stopped trying to argue with her." As if that magically resolved everything, he puts down his phone, and gets out two bowls before filling them with cereal. "Don't tell her I told you this, but she gets lonely. Beyond that, it means nothing to either of us."

_Calm down_, Suzaku thinks, but it does little to rein in his mounting confusion. "That's it? Everyone is fine with that arrangement? She just sleeps in your bed with you."

"I told you nothing is going on between us," Lelouch says, looking annoyed.

_What does that even mean? Emotionally? And what about that oversized t-shirt she was wearing? Was that Lelouch's_?

This stands in stark contrast to what has transpired yesterday and in fact to everything that has happened between them so far. Yesterday, Lelouch had looked almost flummoxed when Suzaku asked whether their relationship is serious, but today there is a half naked woman lying in his bed. It doesn't help that Lelouch apparently didn't plan on telling him.

It all points to one conclusion.

"Are we… are we having some kind of open relationship?" Suzaku asks, honestly confused.

He knows he hit a nerve when Lelouch recoils like he has been slapped. "What? We most definitely do not have that kind of relationship!"

Suzaku feels like stomping his foot. "Then you're… _cheating _on me?"

For a moment Lelouch looks horrified. "What? Cheating? I'm not cheating on you!"

Suzaku still doesn't understand. The whole situation is starting to turn ugly. "But what is she to you?"

Lelouch purses his lips. "An accomplice."

A tense silence falls between them.

Then, cautious, because Suzaku can't quite believe he's going there, he opens his mouth. "If you let women sleep in your bed, can I let women sleep in mine, too?"

Shock spreads over Lelouch's face before his expression turns furious, teeth flashing. "You will not— for the last time, CC is not involved with me in any romantic or sexual way! You and I are having a monogamous relationship, which CC has _nothing_ to do with! I am _not _cheating on you and you will _not _cheat on me!" he snaps, and in a rare display of immaturity, he slides the bowl of cereal across the table with enough force to spill milk everywhere.

Some milk splatters on Suzaku's hands, but that is all it reaches. Lelouch meets his gaze head-on, silent and defiant. Some milk flows over the edge of the table, creating a staccato _drip drip _against the quiet.

It's an impasse.

Suzaku breaks eye contact, and looks at the soggy cereal in his bowl, at the mess across the table, at the sudden space between them. There are more things that he wants to say, and it's all too easy to ride another wave of anger, but he also knows some battles are not worth fighting when the only outcome is ruins and smoke. "Was I okay with it before?" he asks, defeated.

At that, Lelouch crumbles too, falling bonelessly into his chair. "I apologize. I'm not myself right now." He takes a deep breath. "I didn't think it would be that much of a problem. It won't happen again. With CC, that is. I'll talk to her in a minute."

Suzaku nods, but can't quite bring himself to look up.

"Things have gotten worse over the night," Lelouch adds. "I'm under a lot of stress at the moment."

"It's fine. I understand. Just talk to her."

"I will."

They both ignore the spilled milk on the table.

"Was I okay with it before?" Suzaku asks again because that question hasn't been answered.

"It's nothing sexual," Lelouch reiterates.

Suzaku bites on his tongue, but acquiesces. _As long as it stops._ He stirs his cereal in a little circular motion, pointlessly. _Could he be so gay that sleeping next to her doesn't affect him at all?_ Lelouch certainly seemed nonchalant about the whole situation, and if it really was all platonic and chaste, then Suzaku has no reason to continue racking his brain over it.

_Would the same be true for me? Being apathetic about sleeping next to a woman? _ He frowns, unable to picture it in his head.

"Suzaku, look at me," Lelouch says, and nudges one of Suzaku's legs with his. "Are we okay?"

It's not a question with a difficult decision attached to it. "We are," he answers, and means it.

"Good." Lelouch clears his throat. "The overnight mission from yesterday went well."

"That's good."

"It's today I'm worried about."

It seems Lelouch is finally ready to tell him what has bothered him this entire morning. "Today? Is something happening?"

Lelouch pauses in thought, and then leans forward. "Do you have a gun?"

The non sequitur completely blindsides him. "What?"

"I'm asking if you own gun. We are short on resources, and every spare asset will be valuable. You probably won't even need to use it, but I'd rather be prepared. So, do you have one?"

_What's going on? _"Yes…?"

"Bring that with you. We'll meet at the hideout in a few hours. Can you manage that?"

"Are we…?" Suzaku trails off, not entirely sure what he's asking.

"Yes." And the strain and tension Lelouch carries gain a new meaning:

"We're going to rescue Nunnally today."

* * *

><p>Suzaku returns to his apartment soon after, leaving Lelouch to wipe away the milk and fret some more over his phone. They both need their mental preparation in solitary.<p>

The first thing Suzaku does is deposit his newly acquired book, trading its position with that of the gun. This way, the bookshelf gains something of value besides its stack of impersonal books, and Suzaku gets another pass at making peace with the weapon he's holding. He handles it more carefully this time, aiming it at nothing, simply trying to regain the ease he had felt upon first handling it. However, spending a day away from it did nothing for his peace of mind, nor did any of his inner courage resurface.

But it does not matter that it's still cold and heavy in his hands. He'll tout it for today, not for himself, but to secure the safety of a girl who has nothing to do with any of this. Moreover, he's certain that the gun will not be the star of the day— where he goes, he will fight steel with steel rather than lead with flesh.

He doesn't stay long. Sitting uselessly in his apartment does nothing but stave off the inevitable, giving fodder for second thoughts and cowardice, so he decides to leave for the hideout early. The gun bumps into his hip with every step he takes, but it does not impede his stride.

* * *

><p>Few people are at the hideout when Suzaku arrives.<p>

Disconcerted, he wanders around the storehouse for some hints of the fabled army, some evidence that the meager attendance on Friday was just a fluke, but counts no more than a dozen people. From the few people that are there, it's undeniable how tense everyone is, and as a result Suzaku feels less enmity— not enmity, maybe, but certainly distrust— from them than before. Some even greet him. Despite that positive side effect, Suzaku does not feel comforted.

Zero arrives soon after, and struts around his base, appearing calm and in control with no allusion of his earlier distress. He acknowledges Suzaku with a nod, before walking towards a small cluster of people. When Suzaku moves to join them, Zero holds up his hand. "You'll need a different briefing."

_Why? _Suzaku thinks in confusion, but doesn't ask. Obedient, he watches from the sidelines and awaits his turn.

After what feels like hours, Zero approaches him, carrying a map and the signature mask of the Black Knights. "You will have the most important role of everyone," he tells Suzaku, and presses the mask into his hands. "You will be the one to escort Nunnally out of there. I trust you with that role."

Suzaku almost drops the mask in shock. "Me? Seriously? Wouldn't you rather have someone else do it?" _Someone who doesn't suffer from amnesia. _In a way, he's flattered that Zero would put so much trust in him, but Suzaku can't get past the enormity of what is expected of him, this new burden. By all logic, someone else should stand in the front lines while Suzaku tries to get reacquainted with his skills and works his way into the fold again.

"I said I trust you with that role. Don't make me repeat myself."

_But I haven't even piloted a real Knightmare yet! _"Do I get to do a test run at least?" Suzaku asks, more than a little unsettled.

"We don't have time for that. I trust that your skill level hasn't changed. Kallen will accompany you so everything should be fine."

A tight knot forms in Suzaku's stomach. "But—"

"Suzaku, I don't have time to overhaul my entire strategy!" Zero snaps. "Accept my decision and listen."

"Okay! I'm sorry!" The last thing Suzaku wants is another row with him.

With a long-suffering sigh, Zero unfolds the map, which turns out to be a blueprint of an airship. Thin white outlines form the skeleton of the airship in the vague shape of a bird with two cannons instead of wings. Its insides are lattice-like, a plethora of squares. It's giant. Suzaku's eyes sweep over the notes in the margins, and spots at least two conference rooms and multiple recreational rooms. A tiny Knightmare is depicted next to it as though the ship's massiveness wasn't already evident.

Suzaku's stomach knots further.

"Here," Zero says and points to a big room on the map. "This is where they're holding Nunnally right now. It's heavily guarded, but it's a room that you can easily enter with a Knightmare. This is point A."

Suzaku frowns at where he's pointing. "How do you know she's there?"

Zero makes a dismissive wave with his hand, and simply mutters, "I have my sources." His finger moves along the map towards a tangle of small rooms enclosed by a dotted line. "This is where they might move her once they're under attack. It's a bunker. It'll withstand explosions and any attack we can throw at it. It's designed specifically so you can't get past it in a Knightmare. If they move her there, you'll need to exit your Knightmare and retrieve her on foot." He pauses to let that information sink in. "This is point B."

_It's getting worse and worse. _Suzaku looks at Lelouch's finger that still rests on the cluster of rectangles. "Let's hope she'll stay at point A, then."

"Yes, let's." Zero folds the blueprint. "We will ambush the airship once it lands. We will get Nunnally out and that will be it. I'll give you your uniform and then we're ready to set out."

_How in the world are we going to pull this off?_ Heavily guarded, probably swarming with hostile Knightmares, the airship's a floating fortress. Against it stand a handful of Black Knights— one of which who has no idea of what he is doing. Who, for some reason, has the most important role of them all. And if they really move Nunnally into that bunker, he will have to play the intrepid hero and shoot everything in his way, and hope that in a distal corner of his brain he still knows how to do it.

And hadn't Suzaku's condition for joining the Black Knights been that he wouldn't have to kill anyone? _Where did that promise go?_

Suzaku's hands start to shake around the mask. "Zero," he says, and using that word in conjunction with Lelouch feels alien on his tongue. "How many are we?"

There's a moment of uncomfortable silence before Zero reacts. "This mission is voluntary. Everyone who is here is so out of their own conviction." It's not what he asked, but it's an answer in and of itself.

Suzaku exhales a shaky breath, and surveys once more the deplorable offering that's supposed to be the world's most dangerous terrorist group. "Are you sure we can do this?"

Instantly, he knows that this was the wrong question to ask. Zero's shoulders square, and the atmosphere changes. "Do you believe in Zero? Do you believe that I can change the world?"

_Oh, please don't go there_, Suzaku thinks, but the question is floating in the air, and now he's pressed for an answer. "I…" He casts around for help or maybe a distraction, but finds none. "I thought your army was bigger."

For a few seconds, the form before him doesn't react. But then Zero grabs his wrist with a sudden angry movement. _Uh oh. _Suzaku nearly stumbles over his feet as Zero drags him away into a dark corner of the storehouse.

He gets shoved against a wall. It's not a hard shove, but it jostles him, and the headache from this morning comes back with a vengeance. Zero ignores his wince, and leans in close, almost butting Suzaku on the head with the mask. His next words come in a whisper, sharp and aggressive. "We are the only hope Japan has. If I can't drill that through the skull of my own men, I won't be able to accomplish anything. If you want to desert me—"

"I don't!" Suzaku protests. "But this is ridiculous! We're barely ten people."

"If you cannot stand beside me—" He breaks off with a frustrated growl. "We already went through this! You already pledged your allegiance to me. You could not have chosen a worse time to get second thoughts. What do you even want me to do? Blow off this whole mission? Abandon my sister?"

"Of course not! But this is practically a suicide mission, and you promised me that—"

"Suzaku", he says, cutting him off at once with his scathing tone. It's not explosive, but a cold, calculating anger. Somehow it's worse. "Are you with me or are you against me?"

Suzaku looks helplessly at the opaque glass before him. "I'm with you."

"Then put on your mask and _stop wasting my time_."

Flinching, Suzaku ducks away from the grip and the mask's blue glare. He bites his lip, and presses his own mask against his chest. _What was I trying to accomplish, anyway? _He should have never tried to push Lelouch at a time like this.

And really, what _did _he expect? Suzaku _has _given his word. Suzaku _is _aware of what he's doing here and what is expected of him. Becoming a Black Knight was as much a moral decision as it was a decision on whether he wanted to stand on yet another battlefield, showing courage while wearing a different color. If the fine print expected him to be braver than expected, then it's his own fault for not squinting hard enough.

He will shoulder through this. For Lelouch, for Nunnally, and for himself. He will prove that he can be counted on no matter how dire the circumstances. And if Lelouch wants him to be bold and reckless and slightly suicidal for one day, he will do it. Not only that, but for once in this new life, he wants to do something right. Something he can be proud of—

Provided he lives long enough to remember the tale.

But before he can make his way back and start building on that internal promise, Zero grabs his arm. Suzaku curbs the reflex to jump away— cowering against more scolding— and yields to the grip.

One hand holds him there, suspended in motion, the other hand fumbles with Zero's mask until it comes off. Lelouch stares back at him, beleaguered: bags under his eyes, hair tousled, face sallow. It might be amplified by the dim light, but he looks worse now than a few hours ago and worse still than when he had feared Suzaku would reject both him and the Black Knights.

_Desperate_, Suzaku thinks, mouth dry. This has been hiding under a mask all this time.

Lelouch's voice is strained. "I want you here. I _need_ you here. Can you understand that?"

The thin fingers tremble where they wrap around his arm. _We are in this together,_ Suzaku thinks, and wonders why he needed yet another reminder. Torn between wanting to give Lelouch a hug and closing the gap between their faces in a caricature of reassurance, he settles for a feeble "yes".

"Don't forget that." Lelouch's hand lingers on his arm for a few more seconds before he withdraws and puts on his mask.

When Zero turns, he is back to his usual panache— tall and proud and immovable.

* * *

><p>The mask gives the world a bluish tinge. It's subtle enough to not limit Suzaku's vision, but both it and the unfamiliar weight on the bridge of his nose will take some getting used to. The uniform itself is fine, black and silver, complete with that silly hat. He wears it like a badge, his proof that— despite everything— he belongs here.<p>

It's a bit tight at his shoulders, though. He's in the middle of fiddling with it and almost popping a seam when he hears someone clear their throat behind him.

Kallen stands there, demure for once and looking at the floor with her arms crossed. Despite that, his first instinct is to bolt and get away before he makes her angry again. But instead of following his gut feeling, Suzaku stands his ground, and takes off his mask. Even though she said that they are friends, he can't help but think that this either wasn't or isn't the case anymore. So far, she has only shown hostility and distrust towards him, so should she notice him fidget, she really can't blame him. Whatever her reason for approaching him, he won't be the one to break the silence.

Kallen clears her throat again, looking as reluctant to be in this situation as Suzaku is. "The Knightmare you'll be piloting is in that transporter over there." She points to a vehicle shrouded in shadows.

"Oh, okay. Thanks." _Is that all you're going to say to me?_

She grimaces as though privy to his thoughts, and tries once more. "I didn't mean anything of what I said yesterday."

As far as apologies go, she could have done better, but Suzaku doesn't mind meeting her halfway. "Look, I'm sorry that we kept our relationship a secret, but…" He trails off when she shakes her head vehemently.

"That's not it. That has nothing to do with it."

"Then, has it to do with this whole…" He can't find the right words, but she manages to catch his drift anyway.

"I don't care who you're dating. That you're gay or whatever."

Now he's confused. "What's your problem with me then?"

She sighs in frustration, and looks off into the distance where Zero talks to another member of the Black Knights. They're arguing about something, with Zero repeatedly pointing to his blueprint. _So many people to convince,_ Suzaku thinks, and regrets ever trying to oppose him.

"I will be honest with you," Kallen says, and he turns back to her. "I was against involving you again. Lelouch shouldn't have revealed himself to you."

Both her sincerity and what she says stun him. "Why?"

She fixes him with an intense stare. "You aren't in this like everybody else. You don't believe in a revolution. You are only here because of Lelouch. I don't know what he did or what he promised that was enough for you to join, but because of that you are not one of us, and I doubt you ever will be."

_'Not one of us.' _It mirrors his own thoughts, but hearing someone else echo these words somehow exacerbates it.

"I'm not here just because of Lelouch," he says in indignation.

She huffs, and sends him a dubious look. "Really? If it had been anyone else but _your boyfriend_ to ask you to join the Black Knights, would you still have done it?"

He can't meet her eyes at that.

She sighs again. "That's why I was against it. It would have been better for your own sake, even. You would have been a lot happier if Lelouch had never told you that he's Zero. Am I right?"

This, he can counter. "But then I'd be with the military and would have to fight you guys for real. You would have been my enemies. I could have hurt or even killed you." He shakes his head. "And what if I had needed to capture Zero? What if I had _succeeded_? I would have found out that Zero was my boyfriend all along."

"That would have been a shock," she mumbles.

_What an understatement._ "Well, I'm glad Lelouch has told me who he is. And who I am. Anyway, I'm here and that's all that should matter."

She looks unsatisfied, or maybe conflicted. "And you'll fight on our side?"

_Why is that even a question? _"Of course. What do you think I've been doing up until now? I've always been fighting on your side."

A frown appears on her forehead, but she offers no answer.

While she does seem to have his best interests in mind, strange as her way of showing it may be, it's not for her to decide what Suzaku does with his life. Maybe he can put it into terms that are more agreeable with her. "Lelouch said that I'm a skilled pilot. Or that I wasone,at the very least. And it looks like the Black Knights aren't doing so hot at the moment. Would you rather have one pilot less?"

Again, Kallen is silent, but they both know what her answer is, rhetoric as his question was. After a couple of seconds, she makes a vague motion towards the room, looking frustrated. "So this is what you want?"

"Being with the Black Knights? Well, I guess. If I had got to choose how my life turned out, this wouldn't have been my first pick, but it's a lot better than what I thought it would be like when I first woke up in the hospital." To make it abundantly clear, he adds, "I still have a few problems with accepting some things that the Black Knights do, but Lelouch asked me if I wanted to join him again and I accepted. That was my choice and I'm not taking it back."

"Are you happy with him?" She looks thoughtful as she asks this, as though she doesn't really want an answer to that question.

"Well, I'm…" He hesitates because he's thinking of a way to articulate Lelouch's pivot-like position in his life. Or if, in fact, he should tell her this much. But maybe then she'll realize the extent of his fealty— maybe not to the Black Knights, but to Lelouch. "To be honest, he's probably the best part of my life right now."

Her reaction is delayed, but once her mouth twitches and she averts her eyes, he knows that this answer, this sad little truth, made a difference. "I see," she mumbles, seeming not to address him.

Before she turns away, he sees pity on her face.

* * *

><p>At last, he meets the Knightmare he will be piloting.<p>

It looks naked. Even as it's crouched in a transporter, half obscured by shadows, it cannot quite hide its unfinished state. Pistons and wires peek out from under the metal armor, giving it an undignified appearance. It reminds Suzaku of pictures of old locomotives where all the machinery is visible before technology advanced and tried to cover their innards.

But as much as it pings him as "different", it does not visibly distinguish itself from the other Knightmares assembled here. It must be on purpose— if he's the one to carry Nunnally, he cannot stick out. Hide a tree in the forest, hide a person in a crowd. Try to hide a black sheep among its flock.

Kallen's Knightmare is the exception in the room. Bright red with a slick design that commands respect even in its hunched over position. Suzaku can't help but feel slightly jealous.

"It's wonderful that you're back again," a voice says from behind him.

When he turns around, he sees a woman in a lab coat. She stands out: not only because she doesn't wear black, but also because she throws him a genial smile. Ried had smiled at him too, but this time Suzaku doesn't get any sleazy vibes, moreover, this is probably the warmest greeting he has received yet.

It's not difficult to match her smile. "Thank you."

She gives him a long and overt appraisal. "I'm Rakshata. I developed the Knightmare you'll be piloting." She taps the metallic leg of the Knightmare with her pipe.

_Rakshata_, he thinks, recognizing that name from the uncomfortable conversation yesterday. "Nice to meet you again," he says, and feels like that wasn't the most appropriate thing he could have said.

Her smile does not waver however, and instead it takes on an amused glint. "This Knightmare here is kind of special. The cockpit needed a few modifications to accommodate our little damsel in distress, and as a result, it will probably feel really cramped in there. But that's not the only change I had to make. This Knightmare has a hover function. You won't be able to fly or float, but it'll cushion you should you fall."

"A hover function? That's unusual."

"Zero specifically asked for it. On short notice, too." She takes a long drag from her pipe, and then blows the smoke away from him. "Everything will function normally for battle, but I didn't have enough time to iron out a few kinks here and there. A few _minor _functions won't work."

"That's perfectly all right." He takes another look now that he's talking directly its creator. "Is it mine?"

Her expression turns confused. "Hm?"

_I guess not. _"Have I piloted it before?"

She eases back into a smile. "Does it matter?"

He scratches his cheek, bashful. "I suppose not…" he says, and then looks over to Kallen's Knightmare. "I just thought I had a personal Knightmare. Like Q1."

She gives him a pleasant laugh. "You have the Lancelot. What more could you possibly want?"

He lowers his gaze, feeling young and stupid next to her despite her friendliness.

"Speaking of which," she continues. "You wouldn't happen to have a manual for the Lancelot? I'd be very interested in taking a closer look at it."

Suzaku opens his mouth to answer "I have two, actually" but stops himself. _Do I really want to betray Lloyd and Cécile like that? But aren't they technically my enemies?_

By all accounts, there is no reason to withhold it from her when it could actively help the Black Knights. But Lloyd and Cécile had been so nice to him…

Suzaku clears his throat. "Possibly? If I have one, I'll have to find it in my apartment first."_ The fact that she's asking in the first place means that I must not have given her one before._ For now, he'll buy himself some time to make up his mind.

She gives him a wide smile. "That would be really nice." With that, she hands him a key and a code card, and then turns to go. "Good luck."

Feeling better after this positive encounter, Suzaku turns back to the huddling Knightmare. As he inserts the key, his earpiece starts to make a sizzling sound.

"Can you hear me?" Zero's voice asks him against a hint of white noise.

"You sound even more like a robot over the intercom."

"A 'loud and clearly' would be nice."

"Sorry. I can hear you just fine." Suzaku probably shouldn't joke when Zero is this wired up.

"Good. Your codename will be 'N1' from here on."

Suzaku frowns. "'N1'? Why that letter?"

"Because 'K' already stands for the king," Zero answers, not elaborating any further. "Get in the Knightmare and stay put. The drive will be long. I won't be directly involved in the fight, but I will give you directions every step along the way."

Any other time Suzaku would have reassured him that everything was going to be okay, but at this point they are both beyond appreciating empty placations. "Roger that."

"You won't disappoint me," Zero says, and ends the connection before Suzaku can retort.

* * *

><p>The drive is long and tedious, accompanied by the constant rumble of the transporter, and interspersed only by the occasional turn of the vehicle. Suzaku endures it in total darkness, alone save for his thoughts and his gun. Neither provides any comfort though, and he blearily stares ahead, seeing nothing, following elusive shapes in the eigengrau around him.<p>

Unlike his first foray into a Knightmare's cockpit, this time he is not bothered by the cramped space. Instead, he feels a weird sense of comfort, a belonging. It is familiar already: trading patience for the promise of feeling powerful and weightless and free. Despite the many caveats involving the mission and its urgency, this is something he can cling to.

It's a while before the shaking of the transporter dies down, and the waiting game enters its final phase. The door of the transporter opens, and the faint light of the setting sun spills into the cockpit. A smooth expanse of meadow with a hint of forest around the edges lies before him.

Static appears in Suzaku's ears. "In about half an hour," Zero tells him. "Watch the sky."

_Here? Where is it going to land? _Nevermind an airport, there's not even an airstrip here as far as Suzaku can tell. _What reason does it have to land here?_

Despite his incredulity, they seem to be at the right spot as the Black Knights leave their transporter, and look for a place to better start their ambush. Soon Knightmares peek out from behind the bushes and trees, metallic giants huddling in the thicket. Suzaku joins them, and tries not to feel like a sitting duck as he waits and stares at the sky.

He spots it then: a bright dot against the darkness, like a firefly that is being chased by the night sky itself. As the airship wanders across the firmament, its engines becoming audible, quiet still, but rising in volume. Suzaku follows it on his monitors, and watches as the vague silhouette gains volume and detail.

"Wait," Zero tells them as the airship approaches the meadow. Wind starts to flatten the grass around them.

But despite its drawing nearer, there is no sign of it preparing to land.

_What if it simply flies by? _As far as Suzaku can tell, none of their Knightmare could follow, and if it indeed soars over their heads, Zero hasn't said a word about a backup plan.

But in that moment Suzaku sees it— it dips. It's a miniscule movement, and it makes him wonder if he only sees it because he wants to see it, but then the airship does it again, steeper this time. Suzaku's hands fly to his controls, not pressing anything, but mapping out the movements he will make in a minute or two.

It starts to descend steadily.

There is a murmur of gasps and relieved whispering coming from the intercom, but Suzaku barely hears them, and lets his Knightmare grip the rifle gun in its hands tighter.

"Wait until I give the signal," Zero says.

As the airship approaches its makeshift landing spot, it starts to wobble. It slants dangerously to the side in what appears to be accidental lateral movement, and then almost zigzags towards the ground.

"What in the world is it doing?" someone asks as the airship makes a motion as though it plans to rotate around its axis.

It gives another shake, almost burying one of its canons into the ground, but it pulls through, and lands safely. The end result stands aslant on the field.

Suzaku holds his breath.

"Now!"

Lights flare up around him as the Knightmare's engine roars up. Suzaku breaks through the thicket, jumping forth rather than stepping.

_Different_, he thinks as the Knightmare runs across the meadow towards the airship. What felt like second nature to him in the simulator feels different here. The controls are relatively smooth, the handling is fine, but it feels off to him for a different reason: his hands fly over buttons that aren't there. He surprises himself, and sits here dumbstruck, trying to unlearn a reflex. There's more routine and ingrained habit left in him than he ever thought possible, and he tries to get used to it fast as he has no time to learn the machine's intricacies. Even while only sprinting, his Knightmare rattles with movements it isn't meant to perform. Suzaku's muscle memory is used to a different beast, and this inferior machine groans under the strain.

Nevertheless, there's a _thrill _to it. Even in this cobbled-together frame he's feeling the rush of adrenaline. Just like in the simulation, but better because he knows this is real. This time his steps leave footprints on the ground.

Against all of his expectations, climbing on top of the airship turns out to be a non issue. There are no signs of resistance yet, and as Suzaku stands on the ship's metal plating, he watches as one by one the rest of the Black Knights follow his lead. It looks like ants crawling onto much bigger prey that has already given up.

It's eerie. If they hadn't witnessed it land, Suzaku could swear they're standing on a ghost ship.

"Could it be a trap?" Kallen asks over the intercom, echoing Suzaku's own unease. She flanks him with her Knightmare, and for once, he's reassured by her presence.

"No," Zero answers her. "They're simply unprepared. Continue with the attack."

_Except there isn't anything to attack._ Suzaku boots up the blueprint of the airship on one of his monitors, and turns towards his target point.

A siren starts to blare then, followed by the first signs of hostile Knightmares. A clang of metal resounds like a starting signal.

One Sutherland approaches them, but before Suzaku can do more than point his rifle gun at it, Kallen's Knightmare surges forward, silver claw outstretched. She tears through it easily, leaving behind nothing but smoke and chunks of metal.

"N1, leave most of the fighting to Q1," Zero says. "Her Guren is vastly superior to your machine."

_I noticed, _Suzaku thinks, and sidesteps the remnants of the broken Knightmare.

But despite the still droning siren, little resistance springs forth. When Suzaku takes a moment to look around himself, he sees nothing but overwhelmed and outnumbered enemies. There are few hostile Knightmares moving on his monitors as well, and no sign of reinforcements. By all accounts, the Black Knights are trouncing them.

"They're scattered and uncoordinated," Kallen says over the intercom as she runs behind Suzaku.

"Like a bunch of headless chicken." Zero gives a sinister-sounding laugh. "Our luck."

"You knew," Kallen accuses him. "You knew exactly that this would happen and planned for everything. They didn't intend to land here. What did you do?"

"Focus on your job, Q1. I don't hear any exploding enemies."

_This is why_, Suzaku thinks in a cocktail of awe and disbelief. _This is why people follow Zero._ He has no idea how Zero did it, but as a result, this quasi suicide mission somehow turned into a cakewalk. On a certain level, he knew that Zero had earned his position as the leader of the Black Knights, and Rivalz had told him before that Lelouch is a genius, but now Suzaku fully believes it.

A hiss comes from the intercom. "N1, Q1, they are moving her to point B," Zero tells them.

_Well, shit. _Suzaku makes a movement akin to a U-turn, and then gives himself a short mental pep talk. He has hoped it wouldn't come to this, but it was part of the deal, and there is no turning back now. He briefly touches the gun at his side to check that it's still there.

In no time, they reach their destination: a small door surrounded by a wall of thick steel.

"This is it." Zero says. Suzaku knows what he means— this is where he leaves his Knightmare and continues on foot. "There's a long corridor behind that door," Zero continues. "Move straight ahead, and then you'll get to the room where they're holding her."

"Okay," Suzaku says, and opens the hatch of his Knightmare.

"Q1, make sure he still has a Knightmare when he returns."

Kallen makes a garbled sound over the intercom. "He's going in alone!?"

"Yes. I want you to stay on the battlefield," Zero says. "I want N1 to retrieve her."

She makes another incredulous noise. "What if it's crawling with enemies in there? At least have someone go with him so he doesn't just die five steps in!"

"Q1," he says, and the impatience is clear in his voice. "Do not question my authority again. And don't underestimate N1."

Suzaku does not need further prompting, and stands up from his seat. "It's fine. I can do it," he says to both to them and to himself. If Zero has that much faith in him, then Suzaku will not doubt his judgment. He checks his gun to see if it's fully loaded, and then crawls out of his Knightmare.

"Was that your plan from the beginning?" he hears Kallen asks, but no answer is forthcoming, and his earpiece falls silent.

The steel door is unlocked. Gun drawn, Suzaku walks in.

* * *

><p>Not one step into the hallway, he recoils.<p>

The stench— almost a physical presence in its intensity— stops him like a slap to the face. He recognizes the smell viscerally, in fact could never mistake the pungent copper smell for anything else, so after his eyes readjust to the bright light, he sees what his olfactory senses already forecast: the entire hall is filled with corpses. Pools of dark blood mix with the carpentry. The dark red creeps over the floor like a shadow, framing the tangle of limbs and uniforms. Guns litter the floor like confetti.

Carefully, very carefully, Suzaku sidesteps the corpses, but can do nothing to evade the copious amounts of blood on the floor, still fresh and flowing. It's sticky where he treads, and he tries his best to ignore it as he puts one foot before the other until he stands in-between the death and the vacant stares.

_Head shots_. Most of them were killed with a precise shot to the head, many at point blank. He sees wide-eyed shock in most of the faces that aren't caved in. In a stark contrast, a few others are frozen in a perpetual grin.

It's quiet here, and Suzaku has a sense of déjà vu, finding himself alone in a hallway again, and feeling like he fell down yet another rabbit hole. Only this time it's worse because he knows it's not just in his head. It's real this time, a monster of a different caliber with a different set of teeth. This time blood is flowing between his shoes.

Suzaku shudders. _What in the world happened here? Who did this? Did someone of the Black Knights leave their Knightmare as well? _But Zero would have told him. Moreover, not many people are involved in this mission, and if someone made a solo trip into the airship, Suzaku would have noticed.

It couldn't be one of them.

But whoever it was, they're headed for Nunnally as well. Red shoe imprints lead the way towards a door at the end of the hallway.

This might not be a rescue mission anyone, Suzaku realizes. It might have turned into a corpse retrieval.

Heart beating hard against his ribcage, he all but sprints across the hallway, dodging limbs and bodies in a twisted version of parkour. Hesitation is no longer an issue. The urgency gives him strength, makes him callous, and he steps over and on the corpses with no care or deference. His principal concern narrows down to getting to Nunnally before anyone else does and not slipping on the blood.

He stands at the other end of the hallway in a matter of seconds. When he moves to open the door, the gun is steady in his grip.

A diminutive figure sits in the middle of the room. She is clutching at her wheelchair, looking scared, but alive and unharmed. She is easy to recognize; Suzaku has seen the seven year younger version of her in a photo, and except for growing her hair out, her appearance hasn't changed at all.

Suzaku releases the breath he wasn't aware he had been holding, and then stops dead in his tracks.

One man stands a few feet next to her, gun in hand. He slowly turns around to Suzaku, and gives a toothy smile.

Suzaku's heart leaps into his throat, but his reaction is not delayed. He aims at the man's head, index finger resting on the trigger and ready to curl. His mouth falls open, a "Freeze!" on his tongue, but the plea doesn't make it over his lips.

The man does not heed the silent warning, and instead raises his arm in slow motion.

Suzaku's finger feels numb over the trigger. _Don't. Please don't make me._

But instead of pointing the gun towards Suzaku or Nunnally, the man levers the gun at his own head.

_What…?_

The man's finger moves.

Like a marionette pulled by its strings, he makes a jerky half-jump sideways before he flops over. His body spasms once upon hitting the floor, and for a second the man's limbs loll to gravity's whim, but then all movement ceases. Blood pours out from the man's hole at his temple, contributing to the red carpet. The grin stays frozen on his features.

_Oh_, Suzaku thinks, and tries to work through the fog that has settled over his mind. _Oh._

He dimly realizes that he's aiming his gun at a corpse. The steel is warm in his hands, and bemused, Suzaku holds the gun close to inspect it, but it does not look any different— its muzzle is free of soot and its barrel is still full of bullets. The only warmth it gained came from between his palms.

His gaze turns to his hands, covered in gloves. He can't see anything on them, black as they are, so he removes one to reveal the hand underneath. It looks normal, flesh colored with fingernails all blunt and short-trimmed and unhelpful. But without blood; it did not quite reach that far.

_I did not fire the gun_, Suzaku thinks, feeling faint and distant in his own head.

But is he sure? His memories have betrayed him before, after all. Maybe he's sleepwalking again, seeing poison gas and open doors.

He lowers his gaze until he stares at his shoes. _Blood hides well on black_, he thinks, comforted, detached. _It's invisible there._

A loud noise outside startles him, breaking him out of his reverie. It is followed by a rumble, and a slight tilt of the floor: the airship is moving.

_Rescue her_, Suzaku reminds himself._ That's right. I have to rescue her._ Shaking his head, he puts the glove back on, and turns to face Nunnally.

Even from a distance, Suzaku can see that she is trembling. When he takes a step towards her, her head whirls in his direction. When he clears his throat, she flinches, and gives a little gasp before— even with her eyes closed— looking directly at him. "Suzaku?"

Suzaku flinches in turn at hearing his name, and stops in shock.

Nunnally doesn't give him time to collect his thoughts before she, akin to a small child who wants to be picked up, holds out her arms towards him. "Suzaku!" She wiggles on her wheelchair, reaching out and trying to bridge the gap between them. It's when she nearly falls out of her wheelchair that he unfreezes and rushes towards her.

Dropping to one knee, he catches her. She feels light and frail in his arms as he clings to him, hugging rather than holding onto him. Thin fingers clutch at his shoulders.

It's an awkward embrace. A dead man is lying only a few feet away, and Suzaku is still holding his gun. On top of that, it feels inappropriate to hug her this tightly when she isn't to him what he is to her. He's hugging a stranger, embracing a concept rather than a treasured person.

It must have shown.

"Suzaku?" She sounds unsure now, belying her earlier confidence when he was halfway across the room.

He gives her shoulders a squeeze, whether in reassurance or apology he's not sure. "Don't worry, I'll get you out of here."

For a moment he considers picking her up and carrying her through the hallway, but that would render him unable to draw his gun, so instead he helps her back into her wheelchair. As he steers her around the dead man, Suzaku takes another look at him to make sure that, yes, the man is still holding the gun, and the hole that used to be his temple is rimmed with black powder. All the while he is grinning, and plunging all his secrets into nescience.

_Forget about it for now. Get her out of here first._

No one comes to intercept them as he wheels her across the hallway. The droning of machines grows louder, and the ground begins to shake. Suzaku accelerates his steps.

When they reach the part of the floor that is stacked with corpses, Suzaku has to push stray limbs out of the way before the wheelchair can pass. The pungent smell dominates the air, the wheelchair gives a jolt when it rolls over a wayward hand, and some blood seeps into the hem of Nunnally's dress, but she keeps silent throughout it all.

They leave the hallway, and Suzaku opens the door to the battlefield. A gust of wind meets them as well as Guren who picks them up and holds them out towards Suzaku's Knightmare. After giving Kallen a wave of his hand, Suzaku picks Nunnally up and carries her into the cockpit.

He puts her in the makeshift emergency chair that Ratshaka built in. _At least _she _gets a safety belt_, he thinks as he fastens it. She makes this difficult as she doesn't completely let go of him. When he draws back, she still doesn't let go of his shoulder.

"Is big brother well?" Her hand travels down to his sleeve.

"He's fine. You'll see him again soon enough." he answers as he sits down.

It's now very cramped in the small cockpit, and he'll have to watch not to accidentally hit her while piloting. There's little distance between them with her sitting directly behind him, and still she doesn't let go of him, her hand moving further down until she touches his own hand. Her fingers twitch, moving along his gloved fingers in fleeting motions. "How are you? Are you alright?" When Suzaku turns around to look her in the face, her forehead is creased in wrinkles.

_Did you witness what just happened? Did you hear where the shot came from?_

He pulls his hand out of her loose grip. "I'm fine," he quickly says, and activates the speaker on his earpiece. "I got her!"

Zero gives a sound of relief. "Out. Now!"

Nunnally gasps at the sound of the distorted voice. "Was that…?"

"I'll explain everything later."

The Knightmare surges forward.

The battleground is as deserted as Suzaku left it but the background scenery changed: gone is the meadow under them. The airship is flying, and the vast ocean stretches under them, a black and roiling mass.

Suzaku stops at the edge of the airship. _How do we get out of here?_

When he turns around, looking for an answer in the morning sky, he sees that it's speckled with black dots. They are far away still, but it doesn't need much imagination to guess at what they are.

"They have reinforcements!" someone says over the intercom. "We have to get out of here!"

"Jump down," Zero tells them.

"What?" Suzaku ask in perplexion.

"Jump down from the airship."

"Into the sea!?"

"Yes. Drop down into the water and dive. That's an order. Don't forget the floating system."

_Did you plan for this as well?_

Suzaku jumps.

* * *

><p>There's a moment of feeling weightless before the Knightmare enters into freefall. He counts to four before he dares to activate the floating system. The engine sputters, then the cockpit rattles as it kicks in, letting loose smoke and a loud noise. Their fall slows.<p>

But before he can get used to their new speed, the Knightmare breaks the surface of the water. After the impact, they descend smoothly into the depths. The view turns dark. Only the light from buttons and graphs illuminate the cramped space, and he hears nothing but the faint hum of the engine around him. It vibrates softly where he sits.

The tranquility doesn't last long. A sound disturbs the near silence— a _drip drip_ that has nothing to do with spilled milk.

Horrified, Suzaku turns to look into the darkness, and tries to figure out where the sound is coming from. He finds a spot where the faint light from the console gets reflected: a black miniature waterfall flows through nooks and crannies. When he looks around, he sees a few more.

_Not waterproof_, he thinks in disbelief.

"Suzaku?"

Nunnally can hear this. It's obvious what it is and he cannot lie it away.

Suzaku grinds his teeth, and activates his earpiece. "Zero?" White noise meets his ears. It clicks away.

"Suzaku? What is happening?"

"Give me a moment," he tells her and tries once more. "Zero?" Again, he receives no answer.

Swearing under his breath, he fiddles with the controls, but accomplishes nothing except for making the Knightmare row through the water uselessly. When he activates the floating system once more, a burst of bubbles rushes past the cockpit, breaking the black monotony of his view, but besides gaining a little altitude, it accomplishes nothing before the engine makes a garbled noise and dies.

The controls fall out of Suzaku's hands.

He speaks into the ear-piece once more before jamming on the emergency ejection button, hoping that he hasn't waited too long and that the pressure isn't too great. Even if it works, he has no idea if they will float upwards, but when the alternative is sitting in this deathtrap, he'll take that risk.

The button comes off and falls into the water. A tangle of unconnected wires is left in its wake.

_'A few minor functions won't work.' Of course. _With a deep sigh, Suzaku gives up. The cold water reaches his ankles._ At least the blood is coming off._

The metal groans around him, and Suzaku imagines that the walls are coming towards them. Except he's not sure it's his imagination. For a moment he contemplates which would be the better death: drowning or getting crushed from the pressure. The latter will definitively be quicker, but that decision is not up to him.

"Will we be rescued?" Nunnally asks, sounding strangely calm.

"Zero will save us," he reassures her. Zero must have had accounted for this considering how resolute he gave that order, but Suzaku is not sure what miracle Zero will pull out of his sleeve this time. The water now reaches his calves, and he grimaces at the uncomfortable feeling. Thankfully, Nunnally has an elevated seat and so far shares none of his discomfort. She'll have a few more dry minutes.

"I'm happy you came to rescue me," she tells him.

"Hm," he says, distracted as he pulls his legs away from the ice-cold water.

"How did you get Zero to help you? Did you two call it a truce?"

"Something like that," he mumbles.

"I'm glad you're here," she says.

He fidgets in his wet seat.

"Suzaku?"

"I'm sorry, but…"

Her hand is on his shoulder suddenly, making him jump. He cranes his neck to look at her, but she's nearly invisible in the dark. Only a white-rimmed silhouette hints at her position.

With startling accuracy she grabs his hand, and peels the glove off. Suzaku is too stunned to stop her or to draw his hand back before she interlaces their fingers. Her hand is cool to the touch, not unlike her brother's.

Her fingers are frail and small in his own, gripping with just enough pressure to keep him there, but not trapping him, only sharing warmth. It's a farce of a peaceful moment. All the while water continues to fill the room.

She untangles their fingers after a while, but does not draw back. Instead, both of her hands wander over his, tracing the shape of his fingers and the furrows on his palm as though she's trying to look for something. As though she feels that something got lost along the way.

She whispers, "What happened to you?"

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, both because it seems appropriate and because he can hear the helpless confusion in her voice. "I lost all of my memories."

He hears an intake of breath, and in the next moment, her fingers bump against his mask. She traces its shape before she gently removes it, and deposits it on her lap. Her fingers are on his face now, and he closes his eyes as she traces his cheeks, his mouth, his nose, his eye sockets. Suzaku holds still, feeling awkward, but not awkward enough to draw his face back. He allows her this ritual. In fact, he did something similar when he woke up in the hospital and found a stranger's face in the mirror.

"You're still the same," she says, sounding wondrous and relieved.

"Yeah," he tries to reassure her, but his voice is shaking as he does.

Another sound joins the tinkle of water then. A low, droning noise like engines or turbines.

A beam of light fills the small space, and Suzaku shields his eyes with his arm, blinking against the brightness. The light sprouts from a dark mass behind it.

'_We also have a submarine,'_ Zero had said. _I had completely forgotten._

It's difficult to see against the blinding light, but he catches the moment as the hatch of the submarine— formed like the maw of a giant shark— closes around them.

* * *

><p>When his Knightmare opens, artificial light floods in. Stretching, Suzaku gets out of the pilot seat with lethargic movements now that all his adrenaline is depleted. The seawater licks at his calf, but it has been reduced to nothing more than a minor annoyance, flowing out of the cockpit in small streams.<p>

It's over.

"Nunnally!" a muffled voice yells from outside. Zero's silhouette appears against the light for a brief moment before he jumps down into the shallow water. "Nunnally," he repeats, voice close this time.

Nunnally's head whips around in the direction of the voice. Her mouth opens without any sound coming out, and her hands clutch at Suzaku's mask in her lap.

Zero gives a relieved sigh, body swaying with the exhalation. He catches himself though, and turns to Suzaku with an almost exuberant motion, grabbing him by both shoulders and leaning in very close. Zero's mask lightly bumps against his forehead.

"You did well" he whispers, and the warmth in his voice carries over even through the mask. Then, completing the energetic movement, he turns the grip into a tight embrace.

_I didn't do anything_, Suzaku thinks, and forgets to hug back. _He killed himself._

Suzaku's gun hadn't been fired. The smoke rose from a different weapon.

But it does not quite matter that Suzaku never pulled the trigger— the result is a dead man on the ground all the same. The red imprints left on the ground are his, and with every step he took he had to trample on a corpse.

So where _did_ that gallant promise to not contribute to the bloodshed go? _Up in smoke and red across the floor._

It goes unsaid.

When Zero pulls back, he turns to his sister, still brimming with excitement. "Nunnally," he says with a tinny echo. The tone itself is gentle, imploring.

Mouth still formed in a silent 'o', Nunnally gives a little shake of her head, but that is the extent of her reaction. She does not greet him. Her hands do not reach out.

Hesitant now and much less confident, Zero walks up to her, and takes one of her hands into his. Nunnally actually flinches on contact, and holds up the mask as a makeshift shield. She lowers it again in an instant, but her reaction hangs like a grave verdict in the air.

"I…" Zero starts, but doesn't finish.

Nunnally continues to stare at the empty space in Zero's general direction.

_She didn't know_, Suzaku thinks, remembering Lelouch's words, and at once feels violently inadequate to be here. He turns, and climbs out of the Knightmare before he can witness more than he already has.

* * *

><p>The air of the submarine tastes salty, and Suzaku clutches at his soggy uniform, feeling cold and not at all triumphant after a successful mission. <em>I have school now<em>, he thinks, and rubs his eyes.

Muffled laughter echoes along the steel walls of the submarine, but he has no mind to join the festive mood. Instead he makes a berth around the noise, and trudges through the corridors in a mockery of a lone, directionless victory lap. Gray walls give way to more gray walls, but the scenery itself doesn't matter— there's no hint of red carpets anywhere, and the smell that permeates the air has nothing to do with dead bodies. It's fine if he wanders in circles here.

After finding more cul-de-sac than paths, and wondering whether he killed someone today or not, he comes across Kallen.

As he walks by, she gives him a tiny little nod.

* * *

><p>End of chapter 6<p> 


End file.
